Artie Abrams quotes from Glee

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Sam

I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Finn

[aside to Artie] I like this kid.

Artie

[to Finn] I like his confidence. But the Bieber cut's gotta go.

Artie

[About Tina] She dumped me for Mike Chang. They fell in love over the summer at...Asian Camp. They were counselors, in charge of teaching all those tech-savvy Asian kids about the arts.

Finn

So, what did Tina say when she broke up with you?

Tina

[In Artie's flashback] I think you're great, Artie, but you're a terrible boyfriend. You ignored me for weeks this summer!

Artie

I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!

Tina

And then when we did get together, all you wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. Mike tries to be into what I'm into. Like his abs.

Artie

I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.

Santana

There you go, blue tooth.

Brittany

I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr Pepper was a dentist.

Artie

Am I about to lose my virginity?

Brittany

Before our duet, we're gonna do it.

Holly

[walks in the choir room and slides the buttered floor]

Artie

Oh what the hell?

Holly

Hola classe. Nothing says buenos días like a buttered floor.

Kurt

[walks in and slips]

Will

Now, when I'm sick there's only one thing that makes me feel better

Artie

[Nodding] Gin and Juice

Will

No, Singin' in the Rain.

Artie

Stop picking on Kurt.

You mind? I'm changing.

Mike

We're serious. [slams locker closed] This is a warning.

Oh, yeah?

Artie

From now on you're gonna leave him alone.

Look, if he wants to be a homo, that's up to him. Don't rub it in my face.

Artie

We're not asking you.

Mike

Yeah, we're done talking about this. It ends now. Just back off, alright?

Why don't you back off? [pushes Mike into Artie]

Brittany

Pretty soon no one will bully us. Santa Claus can do anything and this year I asked for the Glee club to stop getting picked on.

Lauren

She's kidding, right?

Artie

Guys, this is serious. Listen up.

Artie

Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.

Mercedes

(holds in a laugh) You cannot be serious.

Sam

Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.

Quinn

She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Rachel

(looking at Finn)

Finn

(decorating the tree)

Rachel

Do you mind, um, meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at four?

Finn

Sure.

Lauren

Someone's gotta break the news to her.

Uh uh. Not me. I mean I'm cruel and all but that's just hardcore.

Artie

That's my point. Hear me out. Remember how excited you get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little longer?

Mike

How?

Artie

I got it all figured out.

Brittany

Go Mercedes, go Mercedes, go! (smiles)

Mercedes

(sitting on Santa's lap) I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony and a dolly that laughs and cries and...one of us smells like McDonald's.

Lauren

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. And I want sweet potato fries.

Santana

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want bling. I can't be more specific than that. Okay hold up. Don't tell that's a roll of Certs in your pocket. (gets off)

Artie

(nodding)

Quinn

(sitting on Santa's lap) Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam

(sitting on Santa's lap) Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

Mike

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina

(sitting on Santa's lap) When does Asian Santa arrive?

Next.

Brittany

(to Elf Lady) Just know, you have rights.

Ho, ho, ho.

Brittany

(sits on Santa's lap)

What's your name?

Brittany

Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

That's because in the North Pole there is a hole in the ozone.

Brittany

(laughs) You're amazing. I know you're really busy so I only want one thing for Christmas. (points to Artie) Do you see my boyfriend over there?

Artie

(waves)

Artie

(frowns)

(turns to Artie)

Artie

(shakes his head no)

Um...sure. I'm on it.

Brittany

Thank you Santa.

Artie

Now we're screwed.

Brittany

(hugs Santa)

Tina

Artie.

Artie

(standing up with machines supporting his legs and his hands gripping on canes)

Brittany

(gasps in shock)

Artie

It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time but...check me out. (slowly takes a few steps then stops)

Quinn

Where did you get it?

Sam

How the hell did you afford that thing?

Brittany

I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.

Artie

(turns to Santana) I assumed her dad got it for me but he has no idea. He went to take a long poop and then it was there.

Rachel

So if no one knew who bought it for you then-

Brittany

Santa brought it.

Mercedes

Santa.

Artie

(nods) Santa.

Quinn

A real Christmas miracle.

(watching and smiling)

Artie

[wheels into the choir room covered in slushie] It was awful.

Finn

[furious] That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now!