Luke Danes quotes from Gilmore Girls

Luke

Thank you for not being related to me.

Luke

That came out wrong.

Lorelai

No, I got it.

Lorelai

Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter.

Luke

I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.

Lorelai

Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

Lorelai

  It's over—oh, yes, it is over!

Luke

  What is?

Lorelai

  Me and snow—we're through!

Luke

  No, you're not.

Lorelai

  It was years of bliss, y'know.  We had some good stuff and good times.  I could show you pictures of the snow angels I made, but I am done.  Done!  […]  I am with you now, buddy, a hundred percent.

Luke

  With me on what?

Lorelai

  Snow is nothing but annoying, icy, frozen water stuff that "falls out of the sky at inconvenient times"!  It's Mother Nature's icy "Screw you, Lorelai Gilmore."  […]  [to some falling snow]  Oh, no, no!, don't try to make up with me now!  You and me are through!  [swats hands at said snow]  You—stupid—hate—you!

Lorelai

[finding Rory and Logan in the middle of making-out] Grandma wants a picture.

Rory

Of this?

Lorelai

Rory? What are you doing? You're at your grandparent's vow renewal thing- whatever. They're out there. God! Rory I swear!

Rory? Rory's here?

Lorelai

Don't Chris, it's alright.

[seeing Rory and Logan looking disheveled] What the hell are you doing in there with my daughter? Stay away from her! That is my daughter! I'm gonna kick your ass! Im gonna kick your ass, you little weasel!

Lorelai

Out!

Who's that guy, Lorelai?

Lorelai

Calm down Christopher, you're drunk!

Calm down? There's a guy in there pawing my daughter!

Luke

What guy? There's a guy in there with Rory?

Luke

[stares at Logan] You, hands off her, I mean it! Hands in the air! I wanna see hands in the air!

Lorelai

Out! Uh, you guys better use the back way out of here.

Rory

But dad, and Luke...

Lorelai

I'll take care of dad and Luke, please go! Now go! [turns to Logan] You must be Logan, I'm Lorelai.

Logan

Uh, nice to meet you.

It’s none of your business what’s going on with Rory.

Luke

It sure the hell is my business.

Lorelai

Oh, guys, please!

Rory is my daughter. Mine.

Luke

Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?

Lorelai

[in a dream] Whatcha watching?

Luke

[watching a movie version of their relationship] Something stupid.

Luke

You're going to make yourself sick.

Lorelai

Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.

Luke

Romantic nausea.

Kirk

I get that all the time.

Lorelai

You know, I love watching you cook. It's hot.

Luke

That's cause you're standing next to the boiler.

Lorelai

Oh, is that what we're calling it now?

Luke

Kitchen.

Sookie

Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?

Luke

Sookie?

Sookie

Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?

Luke

No.

Sookie

You don't put walnuts in your béchamel.

Luke

Sookie, I have things burning, so I-

Sookie

I thought I tasted walnuts. What things are you burning?

Luke

What do you mean you tasted walnuts?

Sookie

You want to get fancy, you can do that at your own diner. My béchamel sauce is classic.

Luke

How are you tasting the béchamel?

Sookie

And, I don't remember including goat cheese in the fennel salad.

Luke

How do you know what's in the fennel salad?

Sookie

So you admit it. You put goat cheese in the fennel salad.

Luke

Yeah, I put goat cheese in the fennel salad. It goes good in the fennel salad, and you had it sitting there.

Sookie

And I also have some Brillo pads sitting there. You want to toss a couple of those into the fennel salad, as well? Hmmm?

Luke

How do you know all this?

Sookie

I just assumed.

Luke

You just assumed that I put goat cheese in the fennel salad?

Sookie

And walnuts in the béchamel.

Luke

I did not put walnuts in- Sookie, are you having people bring you my food?

Luke

Huh? Where are we going?

Lorelai

To Funkytown.

Luke

No, hey, wait!

Lorelai

What? Did you change your mind? Oh, how did I screw it up so fast? Was the Funkytown thing too quippy, 'cause I thought you liked that about me, but -

Oh, the spontaneous proposals are the best, you know.

Babette

Yeah, Morey proposed to me spontaneously. Did I ever tell you the story?

Luke

Uh, no.

Babette

It was a brisk fall night, and Morey was on top. No, wait, I was on top.

Luke

What?

Babette

Hold on, Stoney Morrison was on top.

Luke

Babette!

Babette

We were playing Twister! Did I not mention that?

Luke

No.

Babette

[laughing] I probably should have.

Lorelai

The only draw back is the name. Coco. Too cutesy. But he's a rescue so I don't wanna freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I'm going to get to the name I want in baby steps. So for the first week I'll call him Coco to get him acclimated, then Coci, 3rd week Kooky, 4th week Tooky.

Luke

So you're going to name him Tooky?

Lorelai

No I'm going to name him Paul Anka but it's going to take awhile to get to Paul Anka.

Luke

I'm going to talk to TJ. But I'm going to be smart about it, I'm not going to spook him. I'm going to be like Michael Corleone dealing with that slimy brother-in-law of his. Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame. Invite him along and we'll talk about the beer and the hot dogs we're going to eat, and then I'm going to get him to admit that he did this. And then when we get in the car on the way to the ball park I'm going to put a rope around his neck and pull it 'till he's - DEAD!

Lorelai

Wait, wait. You're in the back seat?

Luke

Yeah, it's best for garroting. Yes.

Lorelai

No, he's totally going to smell something fishy if you hop in the back seat, especially if you're driving.

Luke

No, he's not that bright. It'll work!

Lorelai

Why are you even buying the tickets? You could just sneak up on him and garrote him on the street, save you the money!

Luke

Your muffins.

Lorelai

My what?

Luke

You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.

Lorelai

Oh, right! Muffins, boys!

Luke

These were for them?

Lorelai

Oh, no, they were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.

Luke

Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?

Lorelai

Like what? His posture's perfect.

Luke

You know chairs are for people?

Lorelai

Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.

Luke

Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're going to eat in.

Lorelai

I don't eat in here. They do.

Luke

Want some coffee?

Lorelai

I'm beyond coffee.

Luke

Beyond coffee. This is big.

Lorelai

I'm fueled by my righteous indignation.