Luke Danes quotes from Gilmore Girls

Emily

[about Lorelai and Luke] So what exactly is going on between the two of you?

Luke

Nothing. Really. We're friends, that's it.

Emily

You're idiots, the both of you.

Luke

Who's Skippy?

Rory

Skippy was our hamster.

Lorelai

He doesn't care

Luke

[asking curiously] What happened to Skippy?

Lorelai

[Defensively] Nothing happened to Skippy.

Rory

Every time Mom put her hand in his cage, he'd bite her.

Lorelai

And laugh.

Luke

Hamsters don't laugh.

Lorelai

Oh, this one laughed, trust me.

Rory

So finally she got fed up.

Luke

Of being laughed at by a hamster?

Lorelai

Well yeah!

Rory

And she stopped cleaning it's cage. Instead, every day she'd stuff some Kleenex in there.

Luke

You didn't.

Lorelai

It was the quilted kind.

Rory

So this keeps going on and the cage is just a cage full of Kleenex that moves a little, and the smell - really good.

Luke

I can imagine.

Lorelai

No, no, you can't!

Rory

So she takes the cage to the place where we bought him, waits for the sales guy to go behind the desk, and dumps it on the counter, then bolts.

Luke

You abandoned your hamster?

Lorelai

Look, I know it was bad, but this was a vicious hamster. This was like a "Damien" hamster with little beady eyes and a big forked tail and a cape with a hood and... bye bye Buttercup. Bye, Luke.

Rory

You did the right thing.

Lorelai

Uh, I want a pet.

Lorelai

Ok, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint.

Luke

You do?

Lorelai

Yes, I do.

Luke

You love it?

Lorelai

I want to marry it.

Luke

You have strange passions.

Rory

She likes washing dishes too. She's multi-faceted abnormal.

Lorelai

Hey — tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says, "Hey, how's it going?".

Luke

You're on.

Hey, how's it going?

Lorelai

[to herself] Oh, now that's just too easy.

Luke

No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts.

Lorelai

Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays.

Taylor

This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady.

Lorelai

I know Taylor. I'm sorry.

Luke

She's bipolar.

Miss Patty

Really? But you're so young...

Lorelai

Can I use the fun cutter thingy?

Luke

Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.

Lorelai

Please?

Luke

Cut the box, not your hand.

Lorelai

Good tip. You should teach.

Lorelai

That's right. You are. You're fixing my porch rail. . . . At six thirty in the morning!

Luke

It was the only time I could do it.

Lorelai

Why? Why?

Luke

It was broken. I noticed last time I was here. It could hurt somebody.

Lorelai

Luke, we sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.

Luke

You're gonna wake the neighbors.

Lorelai

UGH! Could you pound one more thing while you're out here? Your head! And a for-sale sign on the lawn because we're moving. So that's two things. The sign and your head. And in that order 'cause otherwise you'll be too dizzy to do the sign thing.

Lorelai

Boy, they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?

Luke

It's the Heinz family's little joke.

Luke

What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?!

Lorelai

I'm trying to help you.

Luke

I don't need your help!

Lorelai

Uh, yeah you do.

Luke

Oh, here we go again with this "I'm not prepared for this" crap!

Lorelai

This is not crap, this is the truth! Luke, you should've heard him talking.

Luke

I don't need to hear him talking, he's my nephew and I know what I'm doing. And I'm getting a little tired of your condescending-

Lorelai

I am not being condescending!

Luke

Oh, you have a kid, so you know everything, right?

Lorelai

I have a kid, so yeah, I know a little more than you do.

Luke

You know, you ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at sixteen! That doesn't show the greatest decision making skills, now does it?

Lorelai

Wow... two pies.

Luke

What the hell you talking about?

Rory

I'll have two coffees and two cherry danishes to go please.

Luke

Two coffees and two cherry danishes...

Rory

And some napkins...

Luke

One of these is for her, isn't it?

Rory

Who? Oh, no no no they are for me. I am super hungry today. I had to debate ordering three but I'll tell you how I feel after two.

Luke

Tell you what, I give you one danish and one cup of coffee - you can sit over there and when you are finished, right over there, I'll bring the second one.

Rory

You're really gonna just stand there and watch me eat a danish?

Luke

Cable is out and I'm starved for some entertainment.

Taylor

This goes well beyond a head of lettuce, young man. The charges against your nephew are numerous. He stole the 'save the bridge' money.

Luke

He gave that back.

Taylor

He stole a gnome from Babette's garden.

Luke

Pierpont was also returned.

Miss Patty

He hooted one of my dance classes.

He took a garden hose from my yard.

My son said he set off the fire alarms at school last week.

Lorelai

I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay for Glitter!

Lorelai

[after the original Bracebridge Dinner is cancelled] Let's invite everyone!

Sookie

Everyone who?

Lorelai

Everyone everyone!

Sookie

Everyone everyone who?

Lorelai

Everyone we know, everyone we like...

Sookie

Let's invite everyone!

Lorelai

An out of control, over the top slumber party!

Sookie

I love it!

Rory

Me too!

Lorelai

Done! Spread the word.

Luke

I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai gives him a glaring look] Eight o'clock?

Lorelai

Seven.

Luke

Right.

Luke

Gotta say sleigh rides are a little much but these horses are really beautiful.

Lorelai

[sitting behind the horse] Yes, especially from this angle.

Luke

Not just from this angle.

Lorelai

No, seriously don't back track. The horse has got a nice butt there.

Luke

That's not what I'm saying.

Lorelai

Nice firm hinie.

Luke

Stop talking about the horse's hinie.

Lorelai

Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.

Luke

You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.