Phoebe Buffay quotes from Friends

Ross

Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

Phoebe

But...

Ross

No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Phoebe

Fine... be murky.

Ross

I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica

No, you don't.

Ross

No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

Joey

And you never knew she was a lesbian?

Ross

No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Chandler

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

[To Phoebe] Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe

Oh... I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Rachel

You're a twin?

Phoebe

Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.

Chandler

What does she do?

Phoebe

She's a waitress.

Phoebe

There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler

Oh! Satan's minions at work again.

Phoebe

Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.

Joey

What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe

It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!

Rachel

Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Ross

A thumb?

Joey

Ewwww!

Phoebe

I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.

Chandler

Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

Rachel

Phoebe?

Phoebe

Hmm?

Rachel

Who is George Snuffleupagus?

Phoebe

He's Big Bird's friend. [laughs]

Ross

It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?

Rachel

Come on! You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler

We can? All right, I'm trying that.

Joey

You know what blows my mind? Women can see breast whenever they want, you just look down and they are there! How you get any work done is beyond me.

Phoebe

You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.

Ross

... Multiple Orgasms!

Phoebe

This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.

Chandler

It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

Rachel

Come on, someone go.

Monica

OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

Ross

That's my sister.

Joey

OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Monica

Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Ross

Phoebs, what about you?

Phoebe

Oh um... Milwaukee.

Rachel

Um... Ross?

Ross

Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Phoebe

Ooh, Rachel.

Rachel

Oh come on, I already went.

Monica

You did not go.

Rachel

All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Ross

Step back...

Joey

We have a winner!

Chandler

What is it about me? Is it my hair?

Rachel

Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.

Phoebe

You have homosexual hair.

Rachel

So I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe

Yeah, you wish.

Rachel

Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?

Rachel

Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?

Chandler

Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!

Rachel

Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

Phoebe

Yeah, you wish!

Rachel

Oh, and -- and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.

Monica

What's a niffle?

Joey

You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.

Rachel

All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist...

Ross

Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? I tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

Phoebe

I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Rachel

Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Monica

Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

Phoebe

Ha, ha, ha!

Monica

What?

Phoebe

"Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black."

Rachel

[To Ross] Boy you really can't stand to lose can you, your face is getting red and little veins popping out of your temple.

Phoebe

Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.