Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

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(having sobered up) Where are the other two?

Father Ted

"Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.

And what do you two do?

Father Ted

Well, we're priests.

What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!

Father Ted

How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.

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Father Ted

Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.

That's right.

Father Ted

....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?

Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.

Father Ted

Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.

I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.

Father Ted

I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.

What about....Frosties?

Father Ted

Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.

Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-

FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

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(Their Lenten vows have been hard to keep, so Ted is on the phone to get help)

Father Ted

(speaking to Dougal) One day! You think we could go one day without giving in to temptation. (Ted speaks into phone) Hello? Hello? (speaks to Dougal again) God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices that Matty Hyslop made...

Who?

Father Ted

Matty Hyslop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats, so instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.

Fair play to him.

Father Ted

I mean Dougal could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?

(upset at himself) I know, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know. I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops. But after a while it just wasn't enough! I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills! But I could handle it Ted, I could quit any time I want.

Father Ted

Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't!

(breaks down) You're right Ted. I admit it! I have a problem!

(Dougal falls to the floor at Ted's feet)

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(The Matty Hyslop group have sent a nun around to help them keep their Lenten vows)

Father Ted

Hello there. (Ted realises who it is) Ah! Sister Assumpta!

(shakes Ted's hand) Hello Father!

Father Ted

Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta?

(pause)

Ah no.

Father Ted

She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it?

(Dougal shakes his head. No)

Father Ted

Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper.

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted

You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal!

(Assumpta and Ted look eagerly at Dougal, who continues to be confused and not remember)

And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!

(pause)

And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted

Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted

The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember?

(Dougal shakes his head)

Father Ted

You were wearing your blue jumper.

(suddenly remembers) Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! (shakes her hand)

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(having had enough of Sister Assumpta's methods, Ted and Dougal plan to escape)

Father Ted

I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something.

Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting!

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I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted

Oh, go right ahead.

I wasn't asking for permission.

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Father Ted

He's not a very nice man, is he?

God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.

Father Ted

Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!

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What are we watching?

FKFather Ken Dillon

We're looking at the sports day.

Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!

Father Ted

Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.

Yes I am.

FRFather Rory Shanahan

Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.

If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)

Father Ted

Dougal, where did you go to?

Ted, how are ya!

Father Ted

(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...

Guess what, Ted?

Father Ted

What?

(confused) What?

Father Ted

Dougal! Have you been drinking?

I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!

Father Ted

Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.

(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.

Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.

Father Ted

Oh, well, that is the last straw.

I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)

Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.

I can see up your trousers, Ted!

Father Ted

Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!

FSFather Shanahan

Ted, it's getting a little late.

FDFather Dillon

Yes, I really think we should go.

Father Ted

No, you don't have to go.

FSFather Shanahan

I think we should.

(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.

Father Ted

Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.

To the pub, Ted.

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HRHorse racing commentator

And it's Divorce Referendum in the lead, followed by Glory Be To God. Glory Be To God creeps ahead of Divorce Referendum...

Father Ted

Come on, Divorce Referendum! Come on, Divorce Referendum!

HRHorse racing commentator

Divorce Referendum is way in front; Divorce Referendum is speeding towards victory...

Father Ted

Yes! Yes!

HRHorse racing commentator

Oh, no! Disaster for Divorce Referendum as he turns in the opposite direction and simply runs off the course!

Father Ted

Oh, flip! You flipping, flipping flipper! Oh, it's the knacker's yard for you, pal!

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I want to listen to some music.

Father Ted

Oh, go right ahead.

I wasn't asking for permission.

(Father Stack plays Limb by Limb by Cutty Ranks on his Boombox)

Limb by Limb, we are gon cut dem down

Send fi the hacksaw, take out the tongue.

See me me me me me, see di hit man ah come.

See me me me me me, said me just can dun.

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[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]

Father Ted

Father Cave, do you want to go first?

FCFather Cave

I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]

Father Ted

R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?

[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]

Father Ted

Well, beat that! Joe?

FJFather Joe Briefly

I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]

Father Ted

Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?

FFFather Flynn

I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.

Father Ted

Right, well, can we have a look?

[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]

FFFather Flynn

What do you think?

Father Ted

Well, er...

FFFather Flynn

It's me, in the nip, with a dog!

Father Ted

[bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?

FFFather Flynn

What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?

Father Ted

The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.

FFFather Flynn

Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]

Father Ted

Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. [there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight] Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?

PPilot

The parachutes! The parachutes have gone!

[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]

[echoing] DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!

S2 Flight into Terror

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(Excitedly) Ted, Ted, would you like a peanut?

Ted

You woke me up to offer me a peanut? God, Dougal. Let's get back to sleep.

(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts.)

S2 Flight into Terror

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God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Father Ted'

Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?

A pair of feckin' women's knickers!

Father Ted

Who knows...

Knickers!

Father Ted

Yes, Father.