FNFather Noel Furlong
Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!
“Flight into Terror” · Season 2
In this episode: Father Ted (8), Father Dougal (4), Father Jack (2), Noel Furlong (1)
[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]
Father Cave, do you want to go first?
FCFather Cave
I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]
R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?
[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]
Well, beat that! Joe?
FJFather Joe Briefly
I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]
Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?
FFFather Flynn
I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.
Right, well, can we have a look?
[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]
FFFather Flynn
What do you think?
Well, er...
FFFather Flynn
It's me, in the nip, with a dog!
[bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?
FFFather Flynn
What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?
The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.
FFFather Flynn
Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]
Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. [there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight] Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?
PPilot
The parachutes! The parachutes have gone!
[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]
[echoing] DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!
[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]
[terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!
A Christmassy Ted
(Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up)
(Excitedly) Ted, Ted, would you like a peanut?
You woke me up to offer me a peanut? God, Dougal. Let's get back to sleep.
(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts.)
God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Who knows...
Knickers!
Yes, Father.
Women's knickers!
Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.
Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!
Where's the problem there, Ted?
Who's got the most boring voice?
BBilly
What?
Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
FFitzgerald
(extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Right, now, listen to me--
FFitzgerald
I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Yes, yes, now listen--
RReilly
(loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
FFitzgerald
No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
RReilly
In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Listen! This is what we're going to do...
(to Father Terry) What's going on?
TTerry
I think Ted has a plan.
No, I mean in general.
TTerry
Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
FFitzgerald
(speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
(grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!
"Welcome to Priest Chatback – if you're under 18 or not a priest, please hang up now..."
Hello, is that being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why?
P1Priest 1
No, this is 'how to break the news of a death.'
P2Priest 2
We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, 'Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!'
P1Priest 1
Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like 'remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh!'"
FGFather Gallagher
Shouldn't we not just have a bit of an old pray, and maybe God will help us, and...
[He trails off, noticing that all the other priests are cringing in mortification, and promptly sits back down]
Aaaaanyway...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.