I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Sacrifice?! Arse!!
(Phone Conversation)
“Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading” · Season 2
In this episode: Father Ted (8), Father Dougal (4), Father Jack (4), Sister Assumpta (2), Mrs Doyle (1)
NNun
On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
£200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
(While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
(having sobered up) Where are the other two?
"Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
And what do you two do?
Well, we're priests.
What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!
How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.
(After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!
(After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)
Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]: Nan!
No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
[Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...
Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.
That's right.
....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?
Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.
Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.
I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.
I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.
What about....Frosties?
Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.
Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-
FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.
(Their Lenten vows have been hard to keep, so Ted is on the phone to get help)
(speaking to Dougal) One day! You think we could go one day without giving in to temptation. (Ted speaks into phone) Hello? Hello? (speaks to Dougal again) God almighty, when I think of the sacrifices that Matty Hyslop made...
Who?
Matty Hyslop. He was a notorious drunkard who found God and then decided to punish himself for his sins. Oh he used to do all kinds of things. Like he had this terrible allergic reaction to cats, so instead of avoiding them, he used to carry a kitten in his pocket. He'd sniff it from time to time. His head just inflated like a balloon.
Fair play to him.
I mean Dougal could you not knock the rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?
(upset at himself) I know, I know Ted. I used to be happy enough with the old bike, you know. I used to get a great buzz just going down to the shops. But after a while it just wasn't enough! I just kept going for bigger and bigger thrills! But I could handle it Ted, I could quit any time I want.
Well you tried to quit yesterday and you couldn't!
(breaks down) You're right Ted. I admit it! I have a problem!
(Dougal falls to the floor at Ted's feet)
(The Matty Hyslop group have sent a nun around to help them keep their Lenten vows)
Hello there. (Ted realises who it is) Ah! Sister Assumpta!
(shakes Ted's hand) Hello Father!
Dougal! Do you remember Sister Assumpta?
(pause)
Ah no.
She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it?
(Dougal shakes his head. No)
Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper.
(Dougal shakes his head)
You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah you must remember it Dougal!
(Assumpta and Ted look eagerly at Dougal, who continues to be confused and not remember)
And when you were accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!
(pause)
And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
(Dougal shakes his head)
Do you remember? You can't remember any of that?
(Dougal shakes his head)
The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember?
(Dougal shakes his head)
You were wearing your blue jumper.
(suddenly remembers) Ahhhh! Sister Assumpta! (shakes her hand)
(having had enough of Sister Assumpta's methods, Ted and Dougal plan to escape)
I'll leave her a note saying we've gone to a funeral or something.
Or... an autopsy! Why don't we say we had to go to an autopsy instead! That'd be more exciting!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.