Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Right now, now. The way I see it is, if we errr, now wait a second. Errm. What's the problem again?

Father Ted

THE RABBITS!

S2 The Plague

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Father Ted

(trying to stall Bishop Brennan after he had thrown himself into the stairs) I'm all right, Bishop. I'm fine now, thanks. Phew! (laughs uneasily)

(shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

Bishop Brennan

What did he say?!

Father Ted

Look, I'd better tell you...

Bishop Brennan

Did he call me Len again? (shouting down the stairs) You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan!

S2 The Plague

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(finding more rabbits in a room next to Father Jack's) Ted, there's loads more in here. Look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella Harvey Keitel?

Father Ted

Harvey Keitel? How could a rabbit look like... God Almighty! It's the spitting image of him!

S2 The Plague

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NCNiamh Conolly

The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.

Father Ted

God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!

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(Father Dougal is reading a Music magazine. Niamh Connolly is on the front cover wearing boxing gloves)

Father Ted

(seeing magazine cover) There she is again. She's all over the place.

(Ted looks closer at the magazine cover. A closeup of the boxing gloves reveals the words "Clit Power")

Father Ted

"Clit Power". What does that mean?

Don't know.

Father Ted

I knew a Father Clint Power. Maybe she's having a go at him?

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(Niamh Connolly is being interviewed on TV again)

Craggy Island. Yeah. Craggy Island's the place for me.

(Ted and Dougal are watching the TV in shock)

I see it as being a safe haven for those who wish to escape the hypocrisy of the mainland.

Father Ted

God!

I wish to create a world free from sexual and religious intolerance

Father Ted

No that's terrible news!

(Ted switches TV off)

Father Ted

Right! Basically we have to stand our ground. If she's on the island I'm bound to bump into her. I'll just tell her the people of Craggy island will NOT stand for a world free of sexual and religious intolerance!

(animated in his agreement) No Way! Jose!

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(Father Ted is judging "The Lovely Girls" competition)

Father Ted

(speaking into microphone) And now... walking!

(The girls begin walking around traffic cones as if they are at an animal show)

Father Ted

Look at them there. Walking around. Look out there Mary! Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

FLFather Liam

(Walks up to Ted and speaks quietly) Careful there Ted. That might offend the girls.

Father Ted

(agrees, then speaks into microphone) Of course. They all have lovely bottoms!

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(Ted is trying to convince Niamh to give them back the parochial house)

Father Ted

We're a very progressive parish!

I hope it's not a hideaway for pedophile priests. That whole thing disgusted me!

Father Ted

Well Niamh, we're not all like that. Say if there's two hundred million priests in the world and five percent are pedophiles, that's still only ten million.

(Niamh is confused at Ted's statement)

Father Ted

No. What we wanted to create here was a world free of intolerance and hypocrisy.

Really Father?

Father Ted

Yes. If there's one thing I hate it is hypocrisy.

(A happy Father Liam suddenly comes to the window with a newspaper. He pointed Ted the front page in big bold headlines reading '"Priest praises lovely bottoms"')