What are we watching?
We're looking at the sports day.
Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Yes I am.
Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Dougal, where did you go to?
Ted, how are ya!
(Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Guess what, Ted?
What?
(confused) What?
Dougal! Have you been drinking?
I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
(shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Oh, well, that is the last straw.
I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.
I can see up your trousers, Ted!
Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!
Ted, it's getting a little late.
Yes, I really think we should go.
No, you don't have to go.
I think we should.
(leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.
Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.
To the pub, Ted.
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