JJudge
Mr. Foreman, how say you?
FMr. Foreman
We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
MegOh, no!
[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
KAKool-Aid-Man
OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
JJudge
Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.
[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]
Meg
What's wrong?
MMichael
Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.
Meg
What? Where?
MMichael
Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.
[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]
Meg
Oh, my God! Dad!
[she and Michael approach Peter]
Meg
What do you think you're doing?!
[Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?
Meg
I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!
Meg
Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!
Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!
MMichael
Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.
Meg
But, Michael.
MMichael
I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.
[he leaves]
See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.
[When the spelling bee is over and Peter won]
Meg
Yeah, you're a smart fella', dad.
Yeah, you're a fart smella'!
Meg
What?
Peter farts on Meg's face
Meg then after the fact is disgusted.
Come on, let's go home...
Meg
[to Connie DiMico] Alright, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
[cut to a movie theater]
ASAdam Sandler
This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was ten...
ASAdam Sandler
Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.
CMCrowd Member
Hey! Will you shut up?
SSeagull
No, you shut up, man! It's a comedy!
ASAdam Sandler
When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring! Ring! Ring!
[Chris has lost his popularity after an embarrassing video of himself was released]
Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
Meg Griffin
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
Meg Griffin
Tell me what it was like, being one of them.
It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.
Meg
Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
That's your sense of humor?!
Meg
I was just kidding! God!
Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?
Meg
I was just trying to be funny.
That wasn't funny, that was just dark.
Yeah, that's your father!
[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!
[Seeing Meg's new appearance]
Meg! You look so different!
Meg
First question: who's the biggest. toughest guy in this house?
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I believe I hold the distinction-
[Meg knocks Peter off the couch, beats him and breaks all his teeth]
Meg
My house now, bitch! Now who's the funniest?
[lifting his hand up] I know my way around a joke- [Meg kicks and stomps on Peter's face]
For God's sake, Dad! have some humility, it'll save your life!
Meg
There better be beer in the fridge. [Meg leaves the room]
Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...like the stock photos on a corporate website.
[a real photo of a female lab technician appears]
WWoman
I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles, staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
[a real photo of a male construction worker appears]
MMan
I'm a Latino in a hardhat, but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
[a real photo of college students and their professor appears]
MSMale Student
We're college students listening to our professor, but the class is taking place outside?
[Lois enters Meg's room]
Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.
[she sets her laundry on her bed. she then smells the room]
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
[the camera zooms out revealing a large bucket]
Meg
It's my poop bucket.
Meg
I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.
That's disgusting! No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!
Meg
No.
Ugh, God, it smells horrible! Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?
Meg
I like to fill it up. I'm not making a million trips.
[looks closer into Meg's poop bucket] Oh, my God! Are you using my shirts as toilet paper?
Meg
Yeah, and I think I might need some right now!
[Meg tears left sleeve off of Lois's shirt]
Meg
Get out now or stay and get weird! Your call, warden!
Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
Meg
I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!
Look, I understand that you're upset.
Meg
You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?
I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.
Meg
Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
Meg
You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]
Meg
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!
Well, when you're ready to talk...
[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]
CConnie
[knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!
[she opens the door]
[she and her friends suddenly react to what they see]
[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in their underwear in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]
Meg
Chris?
[both scream in shock]
Meg
OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!
Tryin' to grab some boob!
Meg
FROM YOUR SISTER?!
I didn't know it was you!
Meg
Well, who did you think it was?!
Meg
[coughs] OH, MY GOD! Oh! WE DID SO MUCH!
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
Meg
WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!
MDMan dressed as Clinton
[in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!
Meg
Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?
Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.
Meg
I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
Meg
What about the prequels?
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Meg
Yeah, me neither.
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
Meg
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
So, where is the birthday girl?
Meg
Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]
Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.
Peter, that skank is your daughter.
Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.
Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!
Meg, get in the car! We're going home!
Meg
I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!
Meg, I'm only gonna say this once! You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and GET IN THE DAMN CAR!
Meg
Yes, Daddy. [walks away sadly with Peter following behind her, Lois walks up to Quagmire]
If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian!
And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month! Do you understand me?
Peter, I got us the cabin!
[Back to Quagmire] I don't ever want to see you on our doorstep for at least a month!
Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?
[sighs angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
