Meg Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Meg

I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]

Peter

Who was that guy?

Meg

Oh, my God!

Carter

He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter

Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter

You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Did you hear me, young man?

Meg

I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris

Boobies!

Lois

Peter?

Peter

Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois

Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris

Elephants are bigger in person!

Peter

Lois, no one needs glasses.

Meg

You wear glasses.

Peter

That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Tom

[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake's picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie

HE GON' GET IT!

Tom

Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Meg

So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?

Yup.

Meg

Wow! Where’d ya get it?

Oh. I got a guy.

Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Peter

My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!

Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.

Meg

I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!

Stewie

Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois

Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.

Meg

Dad? What the hell are you doing!?

Peter

[drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

(after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.

Lois

Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

Meg

For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

Lois

Chris, we all love your hat.

Chris

Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]

Peter

Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.

Lois

So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."

[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]

Chris

[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]

Meg

I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]

Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.

Meg

What did he just say to you?

Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]

Peter

Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois

OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

Joe

[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Chris

[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg

We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!

Cleveland

[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Peter

[reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!

Meg

Abstinent.

Peter

Absent.

Meg

Abstinent.

Peter

You're grounded.

Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!

I will never be attracted to you.

I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!

You're acting like a psycho bitch.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!

Meg

[sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.

Mmm, I like your ass.

Peter

The end!

Meg

Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!

Chris

Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?

Peter

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.

Chris

I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.

Peter

Oh, really? Define decent.

Chris

I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.

Peter

Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?

Chris

Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.

Peter

Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.

Chris

[chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.

Peter

And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.

Chris

Oh, so you do know the show?

Peter

I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.

Chris

[angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!

Lois

So, Meg, any luck finding another job?

Meg

No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.

Meg

What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and we could watch House?

Peter

All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]

Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?

Stewie

Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep! [his head turns 90º slowly and creepily as he talks]

[freaked out] My God... you did it! You actually did it!

Stewie

Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?

You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!

Stewie

Good luck proving that, Brian! Now, seriously, that number?

Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]

Stewie

You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.

Meg

I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.