Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

Man, you didn't even have a real gun?

Malvo

It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns!

Principal Edwards

Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.

Chris

But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

Principal Edwards

You're helping yourself.

Narrator

Spoken like a true white man.

Principal Edwards

You were fighting. Why?

Chris

'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!

Caruso

That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

Principal Edwards

"Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.

Caruso

See?

Chris

Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!

Julius

You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator

My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris

Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius

You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya

Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius

You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew

Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius

You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator

Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.

Chris

I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.

Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.

Chris

No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

Mrs. Milone

Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

Chris

A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.

Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Chris

Can I at least get French fries at lunch?

I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

Doc

You're looking for Macaroni and Cheese on Thanksgiving? That's like trying to find candles on Hanukkah.

Chris

Well, I did make the Mac and Cheese, but I burnt it.

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

Narrator

Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

Chris

[as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.

Narrator

I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

Chris

[as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Narrator

I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

Chris

[as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris

They've always hated me.

True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator

And because I'm black.

Chris

Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.

Rochelle

It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.

Narrator

After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.

Principal Edwards

[puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.

Chris

What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?

Principal Edwards

That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.

It's algebra, the math of the unknown.

Chris

Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.

Narrator

Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.

Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Chris

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.

Narrator

He taught me history.

The Vitruvian Man.

Chris

The Hangman. Pick a letter.

Narrator

He taught me science.

Your turn.

Chris

Got anything bigger?

Narrator

Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!

Chris

Are you serious?

As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Narrator

Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

It's a B minus, all right?

Chris

No, sir!

Do you wanna learn?

Chris

Yes, sir!

Do you wanna quit?

Chris

No, sir!

Do you wanna go to another school?

Chris

No, sir!

Why?

Chris

'Cause I have no other place to go!

Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?

Chris

C squared!

I can't hear you!

Chris

C squared! It's C squared!

That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Narrator

That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.