[last lines of episode]
Chris Rock[narrating] My dad always checked on us in between jobs: His night job, and his late-at-night job.
Chris
Dad?
Hey, man. I thought you were asleep.
Chris
I'm sorry I ate the big piece of chicken.
That was 89¢ worth of chicken. What, you didn't get enough to eat at school?
Chris
I was still hungry.
Now I'm still hungry. [sits on Chris' bed] Look. Next time, eat a little something extra at breakfast, okay?
Chris
Okay.
[pulls out cash] Here. [pulls cash from Chris before his can get it] Now, don't go pullin' this money out. Somebody'll try to rob you. [gives cash to Chris] Don't tell you mother about this. Everything okay at school?
Chris Rock
[narrating] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights Era. After hoses, tanks, and a dog bites on your ass, somehow, Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Chris
Yep, it was alright.
Okay. I'll see you in the morning.
Chris Rock
[narrating] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you." I was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning." meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you."
Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's two cents an hour.
[Chris begrudgingly decides to unplug his clock.]
[offscreen; angrily] What the Hell happened to my towel?! [Chris' eyes widen in shock, as if thinking "I'm busted!", as the screen freeze-frames and fades to black, ending the episode as "Rapper's Delight" by The Sugarhill Gang plays in the background]
TTanya
But I don't like it.
You're going to eat this sausage, do you hear me?! Girl, do you think I'm playin' with you?!
Oh, no! No! Rochelle! No! Rochelle! Rochelle, no, no, no, no!
[Chris, Drew and Julius and protect Tanya from Rochelle trying to force her to eat the sausage, with "Ma Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder playing in the background.]
Chris Rock
[narrating] It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonya's behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still ain't raisin' no babies.
Chris, I was in the basement. I didn't see your bike.
Chris
[quickly makes up a lie] I put it under a sheet so it wouldn't get dirty.
[suspiciously] Not my good sheets?
Chris
[shakes his head] No, ma'am.
Chris Rock
[narrating] If my parents found out about my bike, this was gonna be my last meal.
What'd you put in these eggs?
A little ham, cheddar cheese, seasoned salt, a touch of Basil, and just a, a little dash of hot sauce.
They taste a little funny.
Did you want something else?
[takes a bite of sausage] Hmm. [Julius is quizzical] A little dry.
Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.
[shrugs] Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have to complain.
Half the stuff around here I do better than you! [Rochelle pauses while eating] It ain't that hard.
Chris Rock
[narrating] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.
[Rochelle stares at Julius] What? You got somethin' to say? [Rochelle dryly smiles, stands up, and a warning message appears on screen]
Warning: The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature. Viewer discretion is advised.
Well, ain't this about a bi--?! [Cuts to outside of house as Rochelle is heard inside yelling. Crashes can be heard. People outside stop.] Are you crazy?! You do my job for [crash] one day, and now it ain't that damn hard?! You bacon-frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard! [Time card reading, "One Hour Later", appears] You must think I'm crazy! [crash; everyone ducks and moans] You can kiss my "Ain't-That-Hard" a--! [another crash, everyone runs away, screaming; cut to Rochelle inside] Have you LOST your mind?! [She leaves the room]
Chris Rock
[narrating] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.
Rochelle:: Look, I don't care where you are but you be like E.T. Phone home!
[Tonya agrees with her]
I need to know where you are, who are you with and what you're doing. How do I know that you're not out there selling drugs? You could be the kingpin of a Columbian drug Cartel for all I know!
Chris
I'm not out there selling drugs.
My mother had one golden life for her kids. Don't sell drugs! As long as everybody else is doing that, everyone else is okay!
[Cutaway]
PPolice Officer
Mam, your son shot the Mayor.
[Chris walks into the house]]
[Rochelle opens the door to see the 2nd police officer grabbing Chris by the arms]
PPolice Officer
Mam, your son shot the Governor, kidnap his daughter, rob the President and ran a red light.
He ain't selling no drugs did he?
[Police officers drop Chris, with a look on his face walks in as Rochelle smacked him in the head and slams the door]
Chris
[to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?
[Everyone suddenly looks at him in shock, especially Julius]
I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:
[Cutaway]
Chris
Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]
...
I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?
Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris
Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
I would be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
Are you gonna sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? [to Chris] Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[Chris is sitting on a sofa with a white family]
Chris
You don't wanna know.
Chris
So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?
JMr. Jackson
You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?
Chris
Uh, no.
JMr. Jackson
That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.
You're the coolest big brother out of all my friends.
My father could've asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?
What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?
[Cutaway]
Hey Mom, what time is it?
What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Chris
Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.
It wasn't the first time our parents couldn't go somewhere because one of us got sick.
I got a coupon for a free dinner!
I got Michael Jackson tickets!
Oh, I'll call the sitter.
We just won a trip to Miami!
Ooh! I'm gonna go get packed!
Chris
Ma, I think I broke my neck.
Keisha was the first girl I ever really cared about. Even though she never really cared about me, when I found out her family was moving, I was sad to see her go.
Chris
Hey. Where y'all movin' to?
KKeisha
We're going to this place in California. It's supposed to be really, really nice. Palm trees and lawns, no violence, and no crime.
Chris
Well, what's it called?
I always wondered how that worked out for them.
[in Compton, California]
MMan
[off-screen] Bust a cap in 'em! [the Ridenhours' rear window shatters, implying someone shot through it]
RMr. Ridenhour
Get down, Keisha! Get down, girl, get down!
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
