Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Chris

Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Caruso

Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

You! You did this to me!

Chris

I didn't know you were gonna get shot.

You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

Greg

I was up all night packing for everything you might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a travelling toothbrush...

Chris

Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.

Narrator

If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.

Narrator

I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.

Malvo

I got a question for you, boy. What is today?

Chris

Uh, Wednesday?

Malvo

Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Narrator

Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.

Narrator

If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.

Is you runnin' to the north?

Chris

No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.

Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

Greg

Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?

Chris

It's a black thing.

Monk

I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris

Why not?

Monk

Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quảng Ngãi Province.

Chris

Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator

Nope, Queens.

Monk

I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator

20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Narrator

If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.

[narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.

Tasha

So I'll see you later?

Chris

Um, yeah. OK.

Narrator

While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...

[narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.

Rochelle

And Chrissy the Black... You just out there out calling games like you in Atlantic City huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?

Narrator

Notice: she said "if".

Chris

But I wasn't gambling.

Rochelle

You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling.

Narrator

While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris

So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator

I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris

And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator

And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris

So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome

Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Chris

No.

Narrator

Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!

Rochelle

You can't understand comedy like this.

Chris

I understood it.

Rochelle

You understood which one?

Chris

All of 'em.

Rochelle

The one about the lady with the funny lips?

Chris

Yeah.

Julius

The one about makin' sandwiches?

Chris

Yeah.

Rochelle

The one about the black sheep?

Chris

Yeah.

Julius

The one about the Fukawi Indian?

Chris

Yeah.

Doc

Some of this material is a little blue.

Chris

Blue?

Doc

Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.

Narrator

Don't be so strict, old man!

[on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...

Chris

"Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"

[on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Narrator

Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.

Chris

What difference does it make?

Rochelle

What difference does it make?

Narrator

Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Chris

How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?

Greg

Works for Magnum P.I.

Chris

Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.

Greg

Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...