[the family is having dinner]
YYonka
Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.
You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd you call that son? Fudgie boos?
Oh, dad, please stop talking.
No, no, no, that wasn't. It. It was frosty poos.
Right. So I'm gonna get more meat.
YYeesta
So, Drake, you have not, told me how you plan to support my daughter.
DrakeWell, my hope is to, become a famous musician and singer.
Drake
Boosha?!
YYonka
You must get a real job.
Drake
Yeah. My grades are very important to me.
Yeah, do you know how hard he works to maintain his "D" average?
YYonka
I say school not so Important. I not go to school, yet I become billionaire by age.
Drake
A B-Billionaire? Like with a "B"?
Drake
Why you didn't tell me. Your family had a billion dollars? That's worth mentioning... My sweet, sweet wife.
Drake
Oh, money... Yooka! Ohhh, Yooka.
YYonka
Josh, this meat is magnificent. We don't have beef like this in our homeland.
YYeesta
Oh? Then what is this meat?
YYeesta
You serve us goatballs?!
YYooka
Josh, how you could do this?!
Well, it was Drake's idea. In fact, he cooked this entire meal.
Drake
Be quiet, Josh. They have a billion dollars.
YYooka
Drake! You know that goat is sacred in my country!
Drake
Yes, Yes! I know! I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!
[Yonka ends the marriage right away as Yooka's family leaves Drake and Josh's home, much to Drake's horror]
YYonka
Family, we go. Now!
Drake
Wait, Wait! Don't go! I love you all so much!
YYeesta
[angrily] BOOSHA!
YYonka
[angrily] THIS MARRIAGE IS NO MORE! [rips up Drake and Yooka's certificate]
Drake
Yooka! Yooka, wait! Don't go! What about the love we share?! I'm sorry about the glokmah! Wait. Can't I just have a few million dollars? Please? [Yooka and her family leave] Boosha!
[during the end credits, Josh reads an e-mail to Drake as Drake is feeling sad about Yooka]
[sits at his computer] Oh Drake, check out this email from Yooka. She writes, [reads, in a poor Yudonian accent] when we got back to Yudonia, I met a wonderful boy named Akbu! We fell in love and are engaged to married. He is a big fan of American baseball, so my father bought him the Boston Red Sox! [talks normal] Man, what you think of that?
Drake
[sits on the couch, crying] Boosha! [blows his nose]
[Drake takes Josh upstairs to their room to have a private conversation about their dad]
Drake
We've got a problem with dad.
I got him a dandruff shampoo.
Drake
This isn't a dandruff problem, Josh. It's a woman problem.
Drake
Listen to me, Josh. I overheard dad talking on the phone and- Well, I think he's-I think he's seeing another woman.
Seeing another woman do what?
Drake
I think he's dating another woman.
What?! Dad can't be dating another woman. He's married to our mom! [laughs] Ooh.
Drake
Yeah, ooh.
But dad's not the kind of guy to go running around with other women. He loves mom and has dandruff.
Drake
Oh, yeah? Then why was he telling that woman on the phone that he's "interested" and she's all he's been thinking about, huh?
You overheard him say that?
Drake
In a hushed tone.
Drake
Hushed.
Oh, man. Look, maybe you misunderstood.
Drake
Yeah. Maybe I didn't.
Alright. Well, let's not do anything yet. Let's just, Um...keep our eyes open for the next few days, but don't say a word to mom.
Drake
No way. Wait. Hey, uh...you got some White flakes. White flakes. [wipes something off of Josh's back]
[Josh panics as he runs up to his room to wake Drake up]
Drake, wake up! Drake, Drake! I have to talk to you! Drake, wake up! [climbs onto Drake's bed and jumps on him] DRAKE, WAKE UP! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! Hi.
Drake
I'm calling the police.
Look, Drake, alright, you were right.
Drake
Great. Can you hand me that bullhorn?
Sure. [gives Drake a bullhorn]
Drake
Thanks. [turns the bullhorn on, yells in it] GET OFF OF ME! [Josh gets off] Now, what was I right about?
About dad, alright? I think he is dating another woman.
Drake
What happened?
Well, I caught him sneaking in. He was wearing a suit. When I asked him where he'd been, he says: [imitates Walter] "I was out buyin' milk, but I drank it all on the way home!"
Drake
Oh, that's bad!
Drake
I really needed some milk.
[slaps Drake with a pillow] THIS - IS NOT - ABOUT - YOUR DAIRY - NEEDS!!! I can't believe that dad's cheating on mom.
Drake
Okay, we don't-we don't know for sure.
Yeah, well, I gotta know.
Drake
Okay, tell you what, tomorrow we'll-we'll skip school and follow dad around and see what he's up to.
Excuse me? [picks up his trophy] Perfect attendance since nursery school.
Drake
Ah, the golden dork award.
Drake
Well, so you'll bring in a doctor's note and it won't count as an absence.
Where am I gonna to get a doctor's note?
[Drake pulls a box out from his bed]
Drake
Uh, you want small pox or hemorrhoids?
[Walter chokes from cumin from his waffle that Drake made]
Drake
What's the matter?
[choking and suffering] Cu-cu-cumin!
Cumin!? Cumin!? [angrily takes Drake out of the kitchen while Walter chokes] YOU PUT CUMIN IN HIS WAFFLE?!
Drake
You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Drake
What's the difference?
Everything! Alright? Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Drake
Oh, so I made a little mistake.
A HUGE mistake. Alright, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably in there dying right now. [pause] DAD! [they run back into the kitchen] Dad! Dad, what do I do!?
[choking and suffering] Inhaler!
Drake
He said inhaler!
[mumbles] Help me find it! [he and Drake find the inhaler in the drawer] Here! Here! Dad! [puts the inhaler in Walter's mouth] Drake, what do I do? [Drake hits Walter's chest] Are you okay? Is that better?
[Audrey angrily comes in and has a fight with Walter about finding loose hair in their shower]
[angrily] Walter, I am not happy!
Why, because your demon waffles didn't kill me?!
You know, I'm allergic to Cumin.
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Drake
Do you think my thumbs are the same size?
If you want to know why I'm not happy, it's because when I got in the shower this morning, I found one of these again. [shows Walter the hairball]
So I left a little hair in the drain.
How 'bout those red sox? They're good, right?
When I take my morning shower, I do not enjoy stepping on a hamster!
Drake
Hey, anyone want a tangelo?
Mmm. / Tangerine, / Hello.
Drake
[British accent] 'Ello.
You know what? I'm going to work.
Fine. Why don't you take this with you? I think it might be "take your hairball to work" day!
[after Audrey and Walter angrily leave, Drake picks up Walter's waffle he dropped on the floor and takes a bite]
Drake
I like it.
[Josh grab's Walter's waffle off of Drake's hand and throws it to the plant]
[Drake and Josh both sneak into the restrant that Walter and Peggy are at to tell her to leave their father alone]
Drake
What's up?
PPeggy
Hello? Did I order 2 teenagers?
Drake
No, actually uh, Walter is our dad.
PPeggy
Oh, oh, this is awkward. Um, see I-I really don't think Walter wants you to know what's going on just yet.
Yeah, well, we do know what's going on, we're not to happy about it.
PPeggy
Really? Wow, I thought 2 teenager boys would find it exciting.
Drake
Well, we don't so maybe you wouldn't mind you know backing off.
PPeggy
[chuckles] I don't think so.
PPeggy
Because I want your dad.
Drake
Yeah, we know that but-
PPeggy
Granted, I was considering a few other men and 1 woman but there's something about your father that feels right.
Drake
You know, he's married.
PPeggy
I know. I think this can be great for your mother, too. Look, when I see someone I want, I go after him.
Yeah? When we see someone we don't like, we do this. [dumps pasta on Peggy's head]
Drake
And sometimes, we even do this. [shoves a cake in Peggy's face, as Walter returns]
Drake! Josh! What have you done?
PPeggy
Walter.... If this is how you raise your children to behave! Then, I have no interest in pursuing you any further!
PPeggy
Goodbye, Walter! [spits at him and angrily storms away]
[Drake and Josh are trumphant as Walter angrily stares at them when he found those them as they we're sneaking in his business]
Drake
But we had to do it.
Alright, we couldn't let that skunk-bag steal you away from mom.
Drake
Yeah, and ruin our whole family!
Drake
We won't tell mom about this whole "episode".
[satisfied] We got your back! [they pat him]
You think, I was dating that woman?
Drake
Yeah.
Boys, that "skunk-bag" just happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today, and she was talking to me about being the weatherman, on the #1 [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!!!
Drake
Yeah, we're gonna go.
Bye. [try to leave, but Walter stops them]
No, you're not! You're gonna do something else.
Drake
No problem.
[for costing Walter his job, Drake and Josh are forced to dump food all over themselves as the episode ends]
[Josh pretends to be Tori while Drake plays himself]
Drake
Alright. Uh, Tori.
[in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Drake
Okay, I can't do this if he's gonna talk like that.
Drake
What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
[stops the fight] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Alright, just do this.
Drake
Tori?
[Josh hums as Tori]
Drake
Now, I-I really like you I- [Josh hums again] But-but I think we have to break up! [Josh begins to cry] See! I can't handle it!
Just keep going you can handle it.
Drake
Look I-I just think I should date other people and you should too!
[in a very girly voice] Well, I guess I understand.
Drake
Uh, just one more thing.
Drake
SHAVE OFF THE MUSTACHE!
[angrily] OUT! [he makes Drake leave]
Drake
Josh, is Tori here?
Um, uh, yeah. She's over there with another good-looking guy.
Drake
Oh good, cause I have a hot date coming here [stares at Josh's half shaved mustache] What happened to the other half of your mustache?
I woke up this morning and it was just gone.
Drake
Well, then why don't you shave off the other half?
No! Alright, that's just want Mindy wants me to do.
Drake
Dude, if you shave it off, she will kiss you!
Well, there are more important things in life than kissing girls.
Drake
Name two.
Drake
You have to keep your dumb mustache. Come here!
Drake
Restashing you! [draws a mustache on Josh's face]
Drake
Here comes Liza!
Drake
The hottest. You think she'll make Tori jealous?
[Josh mumbles]
Drake
Hey Liza! You know my brother Josh.
LLiza
What's up with his-?
Drake
Come with me! [he and Liza leave]
Drake
[while wandering around Helens house] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Is that some of your business?
Drake
How do you afford it?
Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Drake
Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Yes, I was little Georgia.
Drake
Awesome.
Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? (They both say yes) The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Just put it on auxiliary 1 and press play.
[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]
MMark
Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
GGeorgia
You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drum.
MMark
Here catch! [throws the football and breaks the flower vase]
GSGeorgia's Mom
Mark, you go to your room right now!
MMark
Yes ma'am! [leaves and gets grounded by their mom]
GSGeorgia's Mom
And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
GGeorgia
That is not my job!
Drake
That is not my job!
Yeah, that was my catchphrase!
[Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
PPriest
Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
[Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
Drake
[mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
PPriest
But sadly, these are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
[Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
Drake
This is all your fault.
[as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
[answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
Josh, did you lose something?
I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
[at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
GGavin
[picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
Drake
I don't want to kill the bug.
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Okay, what up with the cane?
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
I don't know! This house is tilted!
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Drake
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
Drake
He dropped a barbell on it.
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
Drake
It's a long story.
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Do you know how serious this could be?
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
[whining] But I love this foot!
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
They have to develop the x-rays.
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
Drake
Yep.
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
Drake
Yeah...
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Drake
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Drake
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
CDr. Carlson
Yes well, I was just coming to talk to you about that. Until I ran into somebody out in the elevator.
[Dr. Nussbaum enters from behind him]
Drake
Who's he?
CDr. Carlson
This is Dr. Nussbaum.
[points at Drake] You mean he's an impostor?!?
CDr. Carlson
It would appear so. [Drake looks at Josh for ideas, only for him to shrug in response, two police officers enter from behind the curtain] Are you aware, that you can go to prison for impersonating a doctor?
[as the group closes in, Drake quickly jumps out the window, roughly landing in a shrub]
Drake
[jumps out the window] Ow!
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
