Josh Nichols quotes from Drake & Josh

Josh

Hello, s'mores. HELLO, PAIN!!!

Josh

[inside the tent] Um, could someone... let me out of here?! [shakes the tent] I hate camping, too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores! Get me out of here!

Josh

[inside the tent] Hey! I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! Oh, come on, let me out! I wanna whack a mole! Drake, Megan, could I just get some water? [shakes the tent] There's no bathroom in here! That's a problem!

Josh

Some people are born lucky. I am not 1 of those people.

Josh

We have a strict no-pet policy! [dog barks] Expect for you.

Josh

Drake? Drake, you awake? [picks up his Oprah cardboard] Oh, Oprah. Oh, Commander Nichols. [kisses his Oprah cardboard as Drake wakes up from his dream too] It could happen.

Josh

Mr. & Mrs. Crewshaw.

Josh

Stupid big shrimp. This is all your fault! [take 1 shrimp in his mouth, and spits it out] Tell your friends!

Drake

[first lines] My name's Drake Parker.

Josh

I'm Josh Nichols.

Drake

I should probably be doing my homework.

Josh

I'm just doing a little homework here.

Drake

But it's more fun to do this. [plays his guitar]

Man, I'm thirsty. [both take their drinks each]

Drake

I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.

Josh

I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy.

Drake

I love girls. [drinks] So my mom's been dating this guy.

Josh

So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great.

Drake

He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school.

Josh

She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.

Drake

Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh.

Josh

I really don't know Drake all that well.

But he seems kinda…

Josh

...Okay.

Drake

...Unusual.

Audrey

Drake!

Drake

Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.

Josh

What happened?! I heard screaming!

Walter

It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.

Drake

Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?

Josh

Tell him.

Audrey

Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.

Drake

[yelling] Megan!

Megan

[referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?

Audrey

Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!

Drake

You got me a dirt bike?

Audrey

No. [she and Walter exchange looks]

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]

Drake

You're getting ma-ma-ma...?

Walter

Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!

Drake

Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?

Josh

Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]

Drake

Hey, Josh, you don't want to play any basketb- [he screams when he sees Josh dressed up as a women] Oh, my God!

Josh

I can explain!

Drake

Oh, my God!

Josh

I can explain!

Drake

Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!

Josh

I CAN EXPLAIN!

Drake

Why are you dressed like Queen Latifah?

Josh

Because Oh, I can't tell you!

Drake

Mom! Josh is dressed like--

Josh

Shh! Alright! I'll tell you, but you gotta swear to keep it a secret.

Drake

Fine, I swear. Now talk.

Josh

Alright. I'm uh. I'm. Miss...Nan--

Drake

What?

Josh

I'm Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.

Drake

Wait. From the advice column? From the school newspaper? You're Miss Nancy?

Josh

Yes. [Drake laughs] Quit laughing. Being Miss Nancy's very important to me. I help people with their problems.

Drake

You can't help people by wearing pants?

Josh

You don't understand. I need the- I-I can't write good advice without wearing it.

Drake

You want some good advice? Stop dressing' like a lady!

Josh

If dressing' like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall!

Drake

[while reading a letter] Dear Miss Nancy,

Josh

Hey that-- Give me that!

Drake

My boyfriend doesn't understand me. He's never romantic. I wish he would just bring me flowers, or write me poems, or cook me romantic dinners.

Josh

That's for Miss Nancy's eyes only!

Drake

Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her I's with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolis.

Josh

Quit sniffing' my mail!

Drake

Dude, Tiffany Margolis is like the hottest girl in school. But, hey, she's not happy with her boyfriend.

Josh

What are you thinking. What are you thinking?!

Drake

Poor Tiffany. So sad. So lonely. Sooo hot. Yeah. I think I can help her.

Josh

No, no, I'm not gonna let you use my letter for your own selfish desires.

Drake

Fine, then I'll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother Josh Nichols is the real live Miss Nancy.

Josh

You're not that evil.

Drake

(Shouts out the window) People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss Na-- Hey! Hey! My spine! My spine!

Josh

(Pulls him back in)You can't tell people I'm Miss Nancy. You'll ruin everything!

Drake

Fine. Then don't stop me from "helping" Tiffany. Deal?

Josh

Alright.

Drake

Alright?

Josh

Alright.

Drake

Are those real? (Referaring to his fake boobs)

Josh

Stop that!

Walter

Drake, Josh. Your dinner is on the table.

Drake

[from upstairs] Kay.

Josh

[from upstairs] Thanks.

Josh

No way!

Drake

Look, what's the whole reason you do your Miss. Nancy advice columns, huh?

Josh

To help people with their problems, and or issues.

Drake

So, if I buy Tiffany some flowers, write her a couple of poems, and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that would solve her problem, won't it?

Josh

Wait? You know how to cook?

Drake

Nope, but I hear you do.

Josh

No, no, no sir. I'm not cooking dinner for Tiffany.

Drake

I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is! [Josh makes him hush]

Josh

Ok, alright! I'll cook the dinner. Aah! You hand licker!

Drake

Come on, let's eat.

Drake

THE HOSE!

Josh

WHAT HOSE?

Drake

THE HOSE!

Josh

WHAT HOSE?

Drake

The window!

Who's that?

Josh

I don't know. [door knocks louder] Alright, alright, I'm coming. [he walks over to open the door and Buck barges through the door]

Buck!

[he grabs Josh by his shirt] So, it's true!

Josh

What? That I have a concussion?

I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?!

Josh

[dramatically] Trouble, breathing!

Look, I can date whoever I want.

Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! [Josh cries] You're hamburger meat. You understand me?

Josh

[crying] But I'm a vegetarian!

Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. [shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]

That was so romantic!

Drake

[comes out of the kitchen] And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee.

Josh

[looks down at his pants] Done.

Josh

Where is it?! Where'd you put it?!

Drake

Thought you were never talking to me again.

Josh

I have to write my Miss Nancy column. Now where is my dress?

Drake

I hid it.

Josh

That's it! You are the worst stepbrother ever!

Drake

Ooh, harsh. Going to make myself a sandwich.

Josh

You gimme my dress, or I'll unleash $30 worth of karate on you!

Drake

No!

Josh

Man!!

Drake

Look, I'm trying to do something nice for you. You-you said yourself you hated dressing up like a woman!

Josh

So?!

Drake

So, you don't need the dress to give good advice.

Josh

I told you. I do.

Drake

You don't.

Josh

Give me my dress!

Drake

No.

Josh

Give it!

Drake

Nope.

Josh

Drake!

Drake

Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice. What would you say?

Josh

I don't know!

Drake

What would you say?!

Josh

Drake-I.

Drake

What would you say?!

Josh

I'd say it's ridiculous. I'd say, good advice comes from the heart, and in from what's inside you, not the clothes you wear.

Drake

That's stupid.

Josh

It's not stupid.

Drake

Yeah it is, that's stupid advice.

Josh

It's good advice!

Drake

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

Josh

I said, it's good advice.

Drake

Guess what, Josh? Looks like you just gave some good advice, and i don't see you wearing any dress.

Josh

Holy.. You're right!

Drake

I know.

Josh

I gave good advice, while wearing pants!

Drake

Praise be the pants.

Josh

I'll never have to dress like a freakish, man-lady again! Oh. Drake! Sorry. I've forgot that you're not comfortable with the hugging.

Drake

Thanks. [sighs] Look, man. I'm sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye.

Josh

It's okay. I know you didn't mean to. And listen, I'm sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother, I didn't mean that. We still friends?

Drake

Friends? No way, man. We're brothers.

Josh

May I…?

Drake

Hug me, brotha! [hugs]

Drake

You're still researching?

Josh

Yeah. I found all kinds of great stuff on how to repair a dune buggy.

Drake

You've done enough research. Come on. Let's go get started on it.(Hits him with a pillow)

Josh

Quit it. I'm tryin' to read a website on tires.

Drake

Come on. We use some tools. We tighten things, you know. Maybe throw some oil in the oil hole and we're good to go.

Josh

[amused] Oil hole? [Drake hits him again] Quit whacking my head!

Drake

Then come on! [Josh throws a pillow at him, missing, as Josh knocks over the root beer on the TV causing it to short circuit and emit sparks, as it dies] You see what you do?

Josh

You did it first!

Drake

Yeah, but my pillow didn't cause anything to explode!

Josh

Oh! [tries to turn the TV back on, but to no avail] Oh... What are we gonna do? Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!

Drake

No, they won't... They're gonna kill you.

Josh

But you're the one who ducked! You, d-ducker! Oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble...

Drake

Dude, [sits with him] there's a very easy way outta this: lie.

Josh

Lie?

Drake

Lie.

Josh

Lie...

Drake

Yeah, if Mom and Dad ask about the TV, you don't know what happened.

Josh

But that's not the truth.

Drake

Which is why they call it lying...

Josh

I don't know, lying... It seems so wrong.

Drake

You wanna get grounded?

Josh

But it feels so right!