[Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]
CraigDrake said he'd be asleep all night.
[wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?
Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh...
What have you done with the rest of my unit?
Craig
What does he mean, his unit?
[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]
I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds!
Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
That's just what a German would say!
No, no, no. You don't understand...
No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!
Craig
Eric!
[mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!
[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]
[Craig and Eric are at home, looking for Papa Nichols]
[looks out the window] Papa Nichols?
Craig
[in the kitchen] Papa Nichols?
Craig
Papa Nichols?
Craig
And we're not Germans.
Craig
[he comes out of the kitchen] Why is he hiding from us?
Well, I guess he's confused on the count of all that medication they gave him after his surgery.
Craig
Well, where could he be?
[they look up as Papa Nichols screams and falls from the ceiling and lands on top of them]
Ahh, ahh. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
[Eric is in Drake and Josh's room looking for Papa Nichols]
Craig, I found him! He's upstairs!
Craig
Ohh. [hollars] Thank goodness!
Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols, are you feeling better? [he opens the covers, but Papa Nichols pranks him as he covers him in a pillowcase]
[Craig hears the commotion as Papa Nichols screams and throws Eric out of Drake and Josh's window]
General Patton, I just found another one! [he salutes]
[Papa Nichols has tied Craig and Eric to chairs, with a broom on his hand]
Alright. For the last time, what have you done with Colonel Bradford?
Craig
We don't know.
Craig
We're from Lawndale.
Uh, actually, I'm from North Lawndale. See, last year, city council-
[Eric's phone is ringing revealing it's Josh]
What's that noise?! Where's it coming from?
[Papa Nichols takes Eric's phone out of his pocket]
What is this? Is it some kind of weapon? Are you two from the future?!
No, that's just my cell phone.
[Papa Nichols throws the phone at the wall, breaking it thinking it was a weapon]
Oh no! He ruined my picture phone! It had all of our vacation photos on it.
Craig
From Niagara Falls? Aw, man!
[Craig and Eric are trying to untie themselves]
Almost-- [they finally get the rope off]
Craig
We're free.
CECraig and Eric
Yeah! [they run off, but Papa Nichols pranks them as they sit back down and ties them back up] Oh, oh. We're sorry, we're sorry, so sorry, we're sorry.
[Drake, Josh, and Megan arrive home after riding The Demonator as Craig and Eric angrily stare at them]
Why are Craig and Eric tied up?
Because your great-grandfather went berserk. That's why.
Craig
He's an animal!
And I'll tell you something else! [he angrily shows Drake and Josh his broken cellphone after Papa Nichols broke it] YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BUY ME A NEW CELLPHONE!
[during the end credits, Craig goes to Drake and Josh's room to look for Papa Nichols]
Craig
Eric! Eric? Eric. Eric? Eric? [he opens the closet door but he got runs off as Papa Nichols pranked him]
Tell the marines the beach is secure! [he runs off to get Craig]
[answers the door, revealing Craig and Eric each holding model rockets] What?
Hey, we heard Josh got the Skybuster 5000 model rocket!
Craig
We gotta see it!
And we want to show him ours! [excitedly shows off his model rocket, including Craig]
What is wrong with you two? [hears the phone ring] I'll be right back. [goes to answer it]
No! [answers the phone] Hello?
[scene changes to the Premiere, revealing to be Drake and Josh's twin dates]
T1Twin 1
Hey, are Drake and Josh there?
T2Twin 2
Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago.
Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there.
Um, actually? [looks back at Craig and Eric] Drake and Josh moved to Canada.
But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you.
[hangs up and goes to the door] Alright, do you two want to spend your Saturday night playing with model rockets? Or would you rather be on a date with two hot girls?
Craig
Hot girls?
Twins? [laughs with Craig]
Have fun. [closes the door]
Craig
Wait, wait! [taps the door with Eric]
The Premiere! [slams the door]
Craig
W-wait! [looks at Eric, as the two rush to the Premiere]
[at the Premiere, Craig, Eric, and the twin girls are sitting and laughing together]
So our friend, Hender comes in and says, "Hey, I thought this was a cafeteria, not a rocketeria!" [The group laughs again] True story!
Craig
[raises hand] I'm a witness!
T1Twin 1
Wow, you guys are so fun!
T1Twin 1
You mind getting us a couple more sodas?
Craig
Sure, be glad to. [grabs Twin 2's cup]
We'll be right back. [grabs Twin 1's cup]
[The two get up and walk towards the soda fountain, as the twins watch them]
T1Twin 1
Let's get outta here!
[Both twins flee the Premiere before Craig and Eric can return]
[A few days later at the Premiere, Josh, Craig, Eric, and Leah are hanging out laughing listening to a funny story from Eric and Craig]
And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo.
Craig
I look down and realize he still has his socks on!
[Everyone laughs]
[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]
[arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.
Craig
Why are you all sweaty?
I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
You always fill up the car!
Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
LLeah
Movie tickets here are $11.
And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]
[clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?
I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.
Craig
No, I think it's the other way around.
Okay, but what's a grinder?
LLeah
Same thing as a hoagie.
[getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.
SGSecurity Guard
Is this guy a friend of yours?
[pause]
[satisfied] No, he's not.
[frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!
So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?
LSLeah, Steve, Eric, & Craig
[All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.
All in the sandwich family.
[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand] Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling!
Craig
Chemical emergency! [turns on the alarm]
Let's get him in the power-shower! [grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]
Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? [Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water] What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! [Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]
Hey! What is this water!? Ow! [continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]
[turns off the water] Drake, you may come out now. [Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning] Sit down, Drake. [Drake ignores him, walks towards the door] Drake, sit down!
Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you way more than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. [tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]
Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way; and yet…] No. No, sir.
Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments.
Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom.
Craig
Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. [Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process] Oh, my God!
Craig
Drake, are you alright!?
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
