Drake Parker quotes from Drake & Josh

Josh

I cannot believe you jumped out that window.

Drake

I can't believe I broke my arm.

Josh

Yeah, but at least you don't have to worry about. [starts feeling cold] Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold in here?

Drake

Yeah. Look. [exhales]

Josh

It must be like 30 degrees.

Megan

[comes in Drake and Josh's room] 31 Degrees and dropping.

Drake

Alright, Megan. What'd you do?

Megan

I just modified the air conditioning in your room. You guys did say you like it cold, right?

Josh

Yeah. That's right.

Drake

Yeah. We love it cold.

Josh

So if you thought this was gonna upset us, too bad!

Drake

Didn't work.

Josh

So ha!

Drake

And ha!

Megan

Good. Enjoy the weather. Boobs. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]

Josh

Well, it looks like we foiled her little plan.

Drake

Yeah, so she made the room a little cold. Like we care.

Josh

Wanna watch some TV?

Drake

Sure.

Josh

Dude?

Drake

I know.

Drake

Aw, here, come on, man. Let me take you to the hospital.

Josh

No, no. I'll be fine.

Drake

Come on. You said it was broken.

Josh

Ow! I'm not going to an hospital. Look, I'm sure it's just a bruise.

Drake

Man, I don't know what happened. I just shoved the potato in here but it wasn't supposed to go off until I pressed the- [Josh angrily throws Drake's toy gun out the window]

Young Josh

Hey!

Young Drake

[acting like a bully] Hey.

Young Josh

I'm Josh, what's your name?

Young Drake

Drake.

Young Josh

I'm gonna buy a foam finger.

Young Drake

Um, could you not talk to me?

Young Josh

Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?

Young Drake

If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?

Young Josh

Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.

Young Drake

Yeah, I know. Hey girls! Why don't you cut in line you can all buy foam fingers?!

Young Josh

Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!

Young Drake

Got any foam fingers left?

Lenny

Just one.

Young Drake

[satisfied] Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!

Young Josh

Heh!?

Lenny

Here you go, the last foam finger.

Young Drake

[satisfied] Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!

Young Josh

Daddy! [Young Drake hits him] You thumped me!

Young Drake

Did not.

Young Josh

Daddy!

Lenny

Cops! Cops!

Josh

And then the cops had to come break it up!

Young Josh

[complaining] Hey! What the heck is taking so long?

Young Drake

Oh, don't worry. The line's moving pretty fast.

Young Josh

[complaining] Who asked you?

Lenny

Next in line.

Young Josh

He said next in line. Get your butt out of your ears!

Young Drake

Oh sorry.

Young Josh

Just hurry it up.

[walks up to Drake and Josh] Pardon me sir. I have only 3 weeks to live. May I please cut in front of you? Every minute counts.

Young Josh

[complaining] Ah! For the love of crud!

Young Drake

Sure, go right ahead.

You're very kind. [leaves]

Young Drake

Uh, 1 foam finger please.

Lenny

O-kay, it looks like that you got the last one.

Young Josh

[complaining] The last one?!

Young Drake

Sorry.

Young Josh

You're dead, punk! [begins fighting with Young Drake causing a fight for the last foam finger]

Lenny

Cops! Cops!

Drake

So it was Josh who started the fight.

Josh

That is so not how it happened.

Audrey

Oh, that poor little girl.

Josh

There's no poor little girl! Why would a dying British orphan be at a Padres game?!

Drake

Orphans love baseball!

Josh

You started that fight!

Drake

You calling me a liar?

Josh

I ain't callin' you a truther.

Josh

What are you doing?

Drake

Just thought you might what to see something.

Josh

No! Alright, there is nothing that you can show me right now that would ever make me forgive you- [gasps as Drake shows him his foam finger]

Drake

Yeah. That's right.

Josh

The foam finger.

Drake

The last foam finger from that padres game years ago.

Josh

You kept it all these years?

Drake

Sure did...'cause I love It! You see, I forgot how much I love it, but since you reminded me, I'm ready to start, loving it again.

Josh

That finger should belong to me.

Drake

Yeah? Well, you can't have it, you know why?

Josh

Why?

Drake

Because I'm #1! [Josh attempts to takes it from Drake and misses, he angrily roars and fights Drake, then rips the finger off the foam finger, making it a foam fist, Drake grows angry with Josh] You crossed the line.

Josh

You crossed the line 8 years ago!

Drake

Get out!

Josh

No! [Drake starts taking his things in anger] What are you doing?

Drake

Later.

Josh

Wait, what are you- Where are you going?!

Drake

I'M MOVING OUT! [angrily leaves the room and takes his stuff with him, but he comes back to take his foam finger away from Josh]

Walter

Now how much longer are you two gonna fight over a dumb foam finger?

Drake

Until he admits he started the fight.

Josh

You thumped me in the back of my 8 year-old head.

Drake

I did not!

Josh

Okay. Well, then would you please tell everyone, that he is the one that thumped me on the back of my head, and that's what started the fight?

Drake

No, you can tell everyone here that he just attacked me for no reason!

Walter

Could you tell us what happened?!

Lenny

[narrating] The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...

Audrey

Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.

Young Drake

Thanks, mom.

Audrey

[smiling] Megan! Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Audrey

Yes. You can have a cookie.

I am hungry.

Audrey

Take the cookie.

Young Josh

[walks up to Young Drake] Hey.

Young Drake

Hey.

Young Josh

I'm Josh.

Young Drake

Drake.

Young Josh

I'm gonna buy a foam finger.

Young Drake

Me too.

Young Josh

Cool.

Lenny

Next in line.

Young Josh

Hey, you're up.

Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?

Young Drake

Cool with you?

Young Josh

Sure.

Young Drake

Go ahead.

Young Josh

You know, my dad's a weatherman.

Young Drake

My mom loves weathermen.

Thanks. Bye. [she and the other little girl leave]

Young Drake

1 foam finger, please.

Lenny

Okay, it looks like you got the last one.

Young Josh

[upset] Aw, that's the last foam finger?

Young Drake

I'm really sorry.

Young Josh

Daddy! [Toddler Megan throws the cookie at Young Josh's head in slow motion] Aaah! [angrily turns to Young Drake] You thumped me!

Young Drake

[truthfully] No, I didn't.

Lenny

Cops! Cops!

Josh

[realizing] So...it was Megan who started the fight.

Lenny

That's right. She threw the cookie.

Megan

[surprised] Wow. I was even cool then!

Josh

Can you believe us? I mean, we've been fighting this whole week. We were fighting when we were 8 years old.

Drake

Yeah, I wonder what it's gonna be like when we're 80.

Josh

[chuckles] Yeah.

I am starving. [blows on his inhaler; an elderly Megan comes to bring them their bowls of food] Starving!

Yeah, where's Megan with our dinna?

Megaaaaan!

I'm comin', I'm comin'! Drake, here's your oatmeal. Josh, here's your cream of wheat. [gives them their bowls] Boobs! [walks away]

Wait. Wait-wait, I wanted the oatmeal.

No, you asked for the cream of wheat.

You gimme that oatmeal!

Over my dead body!

Fine! I can wait 5 minutes.

That's it! I'm eatin' on the other side of the room. [gets up]

Well, who needs ya? [gets up cracking his back, as Megan secretly throws a cookie at him and quickly escapes] You threw somethin' at me!

That's a lie!

It is on!

Oh, it's on!

It's go time!

I'll show you go time!

I am comin' at you, fast as lighting!

Drake

You know what I love about you?

Lucy

What do you love about me?

Drake

You're always in a great mood. Man, I can't believe I even thought about dumping you.

Lucy

Huh?

Drake

Oh, oh, nothing, it's stupid.

Lucy

Oh, tell me.

Drake

Well, it's just you know. Okay, to be totally honest, you know I-I got kind of freaked out about the other night.

Lucy

What, the thing with the football player?

Drake

Yeah, you know I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.

Lucy

Yeah. So now you're cool with it?

Drake

Cool with what?

Lucy

Dating a girl that's tougher than you.

Drake

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.

Lucy

[laughing] Okay, whatever you say.

Drake

You think you're tougher than me.

Lucy

Kinda.

Lucy

[throws Drake] Whoops.

Drake

Not bad.

Lucy

Well, there's a lot more where that- [Drake wrestles back] ahh!

Josh

[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting by picking him up] IT'S A DRAW!

Josh, who are these people?

Josh

Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-

He's your brother?

I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!

Mindy

Dad, mom, wait!

Josh

[incredibly furious at Drake] You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!

Drake

Josh.

Josh

[still incredibly furious] Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!

Drake

[confused] Y-You spent $100 on ice?

Lucy

[breaks up the brothers from fighting] Stop!

Listen, Josh. I think...that you and Mindy should continue dating.

Josh

[surprised] For real?

Mindy

[also surprised] Why'd you changed your mind?

Because any young man who cares that much about our Mindy. I think you understand.

Josh

[relieved] Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw.

Just one thing.

Josh

Yes, sir?

[to Drake and Lucy] What were you two fighting about?

Lucy

Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.

Well, of course you're not. [chuckles]

Lucy

Huh?

Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.

Drake

Ah, thank you.

Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.

Mindy

You tell him, mom.

You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.

Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.

Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.

Megan

Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this.

FIGHT!

Josh

What just happened?

Drake

You said you were gonna get Josh!

Josh

HUH?

Josh

What up with the sheep?

Megan

[comes in the garage] Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?

Drake

This thing's yours?

Megan

Yes, he's mine. Are you okay, Baaahhb?

Josh

His name is Bob?

Megan

No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!

Drake

It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb.

Josh

[stares at Drake] Yes, I get it. [to Megan] Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?

Megan

I bought him on the internet.

Josh

[sarcastically] Oh, excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.

Drake

I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.

Megan

No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.

Josh

Well, when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble, little girl.

Megan

No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide him in your room.

Josh

Oh, really.

Drake

And what makes you think we're gonna do that?

Megan

Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.

Josh

Yeah.

Drake

What?

Megan

I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.

Josh

For real?

Drake

You swear.

Megan

Swear.

Josh

Think about it.

Drake

A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.

We'll do it. [suddenly let go of their hands in disgust]

Megan

Excellent.

Drake

But just for a few days.

Megan

That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. [she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh] And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! [leaves the garage]

Josh

Alright, we should take Bob up to our-

Drake

It's Baaahhb!