Helen[walks up to Josh] Hey, do you work for me?
Helen
Where did you get that vest?
Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.
Helen
You made Crazy Steve quit?
You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
Helen
Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-
Helen
Mm-hmm. Let me, ask you something. Do you have a job?
Helen
Are you, alright in the head?
Helen
Congratulations. You're hired.
Helen
Get to work! [walks away]
[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]
Helen
[appears] Uh, Drake? [Drake walks up to Helen] Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why.
Helen
Why?
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.
Helen
It means they're from Norway!
Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.
Helen
Of course.
So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.
Helen
Yeah, I know. Metrics.
So I didn't want to start an international incident.
Helen
Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?
Helen
Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. [leaves]
Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. [walks up to Josh]
Helen
[comes up to Drake] Drake Parker.
Hey, Helen. Looking prettier than ever.
Helen
Oh, you beast. Did you offer him some free candy?
No. You said we weren't allowed-
Helen
Stop aggravating me and give this cute boy some free candy.
Thank you. [Josh hands the candy to him] So, what's been up, Helen?
Helen
Oh, there is something big happening here this weekend.
Helen
Sorry, I can't tell you. You know, it's top-secret hush-hush business. Got to keep it on the down low. We are having a real Hollywood premiere. Right here in this theater!
Helen
I told you it was a secret! It's for that new Ashley Blake movie.
Ashley Blake? I love that girl. She's gonna be here?
Helen
Uh-huh. For the premiere. And for a big photo shoot tomorrow afternoon.
Cool? This is amazing. I can't believe I'm going to meet a real movie star! Pinch me!
I'm not pinching any part of you.
Helen, can I please help out with the Premiere? Please?
Helen
I don't care.
Helen
But listen. This is the biggest thing to happen to me in my life since I played putt-putt with Dionne Warwick! So if you mess this up, I will thump you like a melon. You follow me?
Yes, ma'am. Like a melon.
Helen
[leaves] Bye, Drake.
I get to meet Ashley Blake. How cool is that? [grabs gumballs out of the jar and puts it in his mouth]
Helen
[shows up and confronts Josh] And no free candy!
[Josh spits out the gumballs out of his mouth and puts it back in the jar much to his disgust]
[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
NNikki
Hey, what's going on?
CGCollege Guy
Turn the music back up!
Okay, we have an emergency!
Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
CGCollege Guy
Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
Helen
I don't believe 'em!
NNikki
Yeah! Come on, let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
[to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
[in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers before Audrey and Walter come home]
Oh, no! Look! [points to the vent]
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them]
Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! [he and Drake hug each other after everyone leaves the house]
[while wandering around Helens house] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place must've cost you like, a billion dollars.
Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Helen
Is that some of your business?
Helen
Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Helen
That's the one.
Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Helen
Yes, I was little Georgia.
Helen
Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch an episode? (They both say yes) The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me get to the sofa.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Helen
Just put it on auxiliary 1 and press play.
[a clip from Happy Times play when Helen appears on the show as Georgia]
MMark
Hey Georgia! Come throw the football with me!
GGeorgia
You throw that football in this house, mama's gonna beat you like a cheap drum.
Helen
[voiceover] That's me!
MMark
Here catch! [throws the football and breaks the flower vase]
GSGeorgia's Mom
Mark, you go to your room right now!
MMark
Yes ma'am! [leaves and gets grounded by their mom]
GSGeorgia's Mom
And Georgia, you get some paper towels and help me clean this mess up.
GGeorgia
That is not my job!
Helen
Yeah, that was my catchphrase!
Helen
You don't do it right!
[Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
PPriest
Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
[Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
[mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
PPriest
But sadly, these are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
[Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
[as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
[answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
Josh, did you lose something?
I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
Helen
[at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
GGavin
[picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]
[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]
Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
I don't even know what accent to talk with.
Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
Helen
Can I help you gentlemen find something?
[Irish accent] Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata!
Helen
Potato?
[Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.
Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
Helen
Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that.
LLady
That's them, those 2 men from Ireland!
Helen
Stop the film!
CCorey
These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend!
Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend!
Wait a minute... [rips off their fake beards] What are you boobs doing here?!
[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.
Ooh. [walks before the front door]
Helen, with her grandmother.
[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]
Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]
LLula
Where's the bathroom?!
Did you just break our door in?!
LLula
I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?
Maybe ring the bell again.
LLula
[to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]
What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?
Helen
Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]
And uh, what do we call you?
LLula
Lula. Where's the bathroom?
Right there through that door.
LLula
Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]
Helen
Buh-bye! [goes away]
I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
She's not, she's staying in your room.
You're gonna stay in the boys' room.
DJDrake, Josh and Megan
What?!
[to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
[yells; panicked after crazy Steve goes insane] Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!
JHJosh & Helen
Crazy Steve!?
But it's Monday, you can't schedule crazy Steve to work on a Monday!
Helen
Monday's his bad day!
Well, no-one TOLD me that!
COCK-CA-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...
LLula
[annoyed] I know how to breathe!
[screaming] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I just plugged in the 5-K!
Helen
I'll PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!!! [grabs Craig's head]
[screams] She's got my head! She's got my head! She's got my head! [others take Helen off of him]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
