Eric quotes from Drake & Josh

Eric

Ya know, sometimes, I feel you just use me.

Craig

Drake said he'd be asleep all night.

[wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?

Eric

He's disoriented.

What did you call me?

Eric

Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just, uhh...

What have you done with the rest of my unit?

Craig

What does he mean, his unit?

Eric

I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.

[uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by 2 German nerds!

Eric

Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.

That's just what a German would say!

Eric

No, no, no. You don't understand...

No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!

Craig

Eric!

[mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!

Eric

[looks out the window] Papa Nichols?

Craig

[in the kitchen] Papa Nichols?

Eric

Papa Nichols?

Craig

Papa Nichols?

Eric

World War II's over.

Craig

And we're not Germans.

Eric

We're honor students.

Craig

[he comes out of the kitchen] Why is he hiding from us?

Eric

Well, I guess he's confused on the count of all that medication they gave him after his surgery.

Craig

Well, where could he be?

Ahh, ahh. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Eric

Craig, I found him! He's upstairs!

Craig

Ohh. [hollars] Thank goodness!

Eric

Papa Nichols. Papa Nichols, are you feeling better? [he opens the covers, but Papa Nichols pranks him as he covers him in a pillowcase]

Ahh!

Eric

Hey! Craig, help me!

General Patton, I just found another one! [he salutes]

Alright. For the last time, what have you done with Colonel Bradford?

Craig

We don't know.

Eric

We're not Germans.

Craig

We're from Lawndale.

Eric

Uh, actually, I'm from North Lawndale. See, last year, city council-

What's that noise?! Where's it coming from?

Eric

My shirt pocket?

What is this? Is it some kind of weapon? Are you two from the future?!

Eric

No, that's just my cell phone.

It's a trick. Incoming!

Eric

Oh no! He ruined my picture phone! It had all of our vacation photos on it.

Craig

From Niagara Falls? Aw, man!

Eric

Almost-- [they finally get the rope off]

Craig

We're free.

Yeah! [they run off, but Papa Nichols pranks them as they sit back down and ties them back up] Oh, oh. We're sorry, we're sorry, so sorry, we're sorry.

Josh

Why are Craig and Eric tied up?

Eric

Because your great-grandfather went berserk. That's why.

Craig

He's an animal!

Josh

What? [he unties them]

Eric

And I'll tell you something else! [he angrily shows Drake and Josh his broken cellphone after Papa Nichols broke it] YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BUY ME A NEW CELLPHONE!

Craig

Who's getting married?

Drake

[disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.

Eric

Isn't she like 87?

Drake

89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.

Eric

Ow.

Drake

That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?

Eric

Well, yeah. When we were going over the guest list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.

Drake

Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--?

Eric

Ow!

Drake

Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?

Eric

Just those two, I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

Megan

[answers the door, revealing Craig and Eric each holding model rockets] What?

Eric

Hey, we heard Josh got the Skybuster 5000 model rocket!

Craig

We gotta see it!

Eric

And we want to show him ours! [excitedly shows off his model rocket, including Craig]

Megan

What is wrong with you two? [hears the phone ring] I'll be right back. [goes to answer it]

Eric

Oh, can we come in?

Megan

No! [answers the phone] Hello?

Hey, are Drake and Josh there?

Megan

Nope, sorry.

Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago.

Megan

Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there.

Huh?

Megan

Um, actually? [looks back at Craig and Eric] Drake and Josh moved to Canada.

Canada?

Megan

But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you.

Okay?

Megan

[hangs up and goes to the door] Alright, do you two want to spend your Saturday night playing with model rockets? Or would you rather be on a date with two hot girls?

Craig

Hot girls?

Megan

Twins.

Eric

Twins? [laughs with Craig]

Megan

Have fun. [closes the door]

Craig

Wait, wait! [taps the door with Eric]

Megan

[opens the door] What?

Eric

Where do we go?

Megan

The Premiere! [slams the door]

Craig

W-wait! [looks at Eric, as the two rush to the Premiere]

Eric

So our friend, Hender comes in and says, "Hey, I thought this was a cafeteria, not a rocketeria!" [The group laughs again] True story!

Craig

[raises hand] I'm a witness!

Wow, you guys are so fun!

Totally!

You mind getting us a couple more sodas?

Craig

Sure, be glad to. [grabs Twin 2's cup]

Eric

We'll be right back. [grabs Twin 1's cup]

Let's get outta here!

Run!

Eric

And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo.

Craig

I look down and realize he still has his socks on!

Drake

[arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.

Josh

Hi, Drake.

Craig

Why are you all sweaty?

Drake

I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!

Josh

It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.

Drake

You always fill up the car!

Josh

Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.

Drake

Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!

Movie tickets here are $11.

Drake

What?

Eric

And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.

Drake

D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]

Josh

[clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?

Steve

I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.

Craig

No, I think it's the other way around.

Eric

Okay, but what's a grinder?

Same thing as a hoagie.

Drake

[getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.

Is this guy a friend of yours?

Josh

[satisfied] No, he's not.

Drake

[frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!

Josh

So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?

[All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.

Steve

All in the sandwich family.

Mr. Roland

Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom.

Mindy

No way!

Josh

Oh, come on!

Craig

Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?

Eric

Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. [Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process] Oh, my God!

Craig

Drake, are you alright!?

Crazy Steve

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...

[annoyed] I know how to breathe!

Crazy Steve

[screaming] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

[scared] Okay.

Eric

What did you do!?

Craig

I just plugged in the 5-K!

Helen

I'll PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!!! [grabs Craig's head]

Craig

[screams] She's got my head! She's got my head! She's got my head! [others take Helen off of him]