Walter Nichols quotes from Drake & Josh

Walter

[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald] Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. [leaving the room] Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

Walter

Hey, I'm a professional weatherman.

Audrey

Drake!

Drake

Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.

Josh

What happened?! I heard screaming!

Walter

It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.

Drake

Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?

Josh

Tell him.

Audrey

Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.

Drake

[yelling] Megan!

Megan

[referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?

Audrey

Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!

Drake

You got me a dirt bike?

Audrey

No. [she and Walter exchange looks]

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]

Drake

You're getting ma-ma-ma...?

Walter

Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!

Drake

Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?

Josh

Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]

Walter

Drake, Josh. Your dinner is on the table.

Drake

[from upstairs] Kay.

Josh

[from upstairs] Thanks.

Josh

No way!

Drake

Look, what's the whole reason you do your Miss. Nancy advice columns, huh?

Josh

To help people with their problems, and or issues.

Drake

So, if I buy Tiffany some flowers, write her a couple of poems, and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that would solve her problem, won't it?

Josh

Wait? You know how to cook?

Drake

Nope, but I hear you do.

Josh

No, no, no sir. I'm not cooking dinner for Tiffany.

Drake

I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is! [Josh makes him hush]

Josh

Ok, alright! I'll cook the dinner. Aah! You hand licker!

Drake

Come on, let's eat.

Drake

THE HOSE!

Josh

WHAT HOSE?

Drake

THE HOSE!

Josh

WHAT HOSE?

Drake

The window!

Drake

What?

Audrey

You can't drive this out in the street!

Josh

Sure we can! This thing will do 50!

Audrey

I mean, you're not allowed to drive it.

Drake

Why?

Audrey

Why? You're too young.

Walter

You don't have driver's licenses.

Audrey

It's dangerous.

Walter

That thing can't be street legal, I-it doesn't even have turn signals.

Drake

No, that's why I got Josh. Left! [Josh signals left] Right! [Josh signals right]

Walter

Sorry, guys.

Audrey

Nope.

Josh

Well, why'd you let us fix it up if you weren't gonna let us drive it?

Audrey

We never thought you'd actually get it running.

Walter

Look, we can take it up to the lake this summer and you can drive it.

Audrey

Slowly, with helmets on, and bubble wrap.

Walter

Until then, it stays in the garage. We clear?

Drake

Yeah.

Josh

We're clear.

Walter

Good. [leaves the garage with Audrey]

Drake

Well, I'm not just gonna sit in here.

Josh

Me neither.

Audrey

Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?

Walter

Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.

Audrey

Is he okay?

Josh

Um... yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...

Drake

[comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.

Audrey

[scoldingly to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!

Walter

I did?

Drake

It-it wasn't the wrestling. It was a car accident.

Audrey

[concerned] Car accident?

Josh

[to Megan, eagerly] He's gonna get it now.

Drake

Actually, it was a... a dune buggy accident.

Walter

Are you okay?

Drake

Well, the doctor sai...

Audrey

[interrupting] Wait-wait-wait! What doctor?

Drake

I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.

Josh

[more eager than before] Here it comes.

Audrey

[pitifully] My poor baby!

Josh

[deadpan] Huh?

Audrey

Just look at you. You can barely stand. [she grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]

Drake

[wincing] Ah! Ah! Ah! Easy! Easy! Ah! Easy! Everything hurts. You guys, I'm-I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.

Josh

[to Megan] NOW he's gonna get it.

Audrey

[rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?

Josh

Well-yeah-yeah I knew...

Audrey

You still made your father wrestle him?

Walter

When you knew Drake was hurt?

Josh

Wait secon-

Drake

Guys, guys. Go easy on him. He's a good kid. And about the TV getting broken, that was really kinda my fault. And I talked Josh into lying about it.

Audrey

We'll discuss this later.

Walter

What else did the doctor say?

Drake

That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.

Audrey

Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.

Josh

[satisfied] FINALLY! [sings] Oh yeah! You're grounded. You're grounded. What are you doin' tomorrow? You're grounded.

Josh

Pizza's here.

Drake

Thanks. [he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles] What are you smiling about?

Josh

The great Drake, grounded for 2 weeks. I love it!

Drake

Yeah, me, too.

Josh

Heh?

Drake

2 weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad.

Josh

I- I don't understand-!

Drake

Hold that thought. [through his walkie-talkie] Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream?

Walter

[through his walkie-talkie] Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh!

Josh

[realizes Drake can still get lucky even when grounded] Aw, come on!

Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.

Josh

Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?

Audrey

Is that really possible?

Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]

Walter

Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.

Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]

Walter

$300?!

Yep, see ya.

Drake

Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?

Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and leaves the house]

Drake

I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?

Audrey

Well, you heard the doctor.

Josh

YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!

Megan

[walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.

Josh

[takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!

Walter

What'd she send you?

Josh

[opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!

Drake

No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.

Josh

Never underestimate Grammy!

Walter

What's a GameSphere?

Josh

Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]

Drake

Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.

Josh

Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]

Drake

No!

Josh

You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!

Drake

Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!

Josh

No!

Drake

[holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...

Josh

[whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!

Drake

And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]

Josh

Oh! [they repeat this process]

Megan

This is the greatest day of my life.

Josh

[rocking on the couch, desperately wanting to play his GameSphere from his Grammy] GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere....

Drake

[looks at his rash in a mirror] Oh, my face... My face!

Josh

GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere... [Audrey and Walter notice them and walk into the kitchen]

Audrey

Can you believe them?

Walter

Ha! I know! There's no way Josh can keep this up. Drake's gonna win this bet easy.

Audrey

Are you kidding? Drake's rash is spreading, he'll cave first.

Walter

You wanna bet on that?

Audrey

You are so on. What d'you wanna bet?

Audrey

Drake. Josh. You’ll be late for school.

Megan

Okay, I was wrong. This is the best day of my life.

Audrey

Just get in the car.

Walter

See ya, boys.

Audrey

Bye.

Josh

So, when do you think this pink will wear off?

Drake

I don't know. A few weeks. Months.

Josh

School's gonna be rough.

Drake

Oh, yeah.

Josh

Well, let’s go.

Drake

Nah. I'm going to get some breakfast. I’ll just meet you at school.

Josh

Okay, see ya.

Drake

[reveals he wore a pink wig and takes it off; to himself] Idiots. [he goes to the kitchen as the episode ends]

Walter

[gives Josh his Campfire Kids chief hat] This is for you.

Josh

What're you doing?

Walter

Resigning. You're the new Campfire Kids chief.

Josh

But I don't wanna be the-

Walter

[shouting] NEW CHIEF!

Josh

[nervously] Yes, daddy!

Drake

[as he arrives home] Sorry I'm late, guys.

Walter

Where you been all day?

Drake

I was just hanging out with a new friend of mine. Actually, I invited him over for dinner And to watch "Canadian Idol" with us. Is that cool?

Audrey

Sure. Megan, will you go tell Josh and Drew that dinner's ready?

Megan

Sure. [talks using the speaker] Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner.

Drake

Where does she get this stuff?

Megan

[to Drake] None of your business.

Megan

Did you do it?

Drake

No.

Megan

Why did you do it?

Drake

I didn't.

Megan

How did you do it?

Drake

I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!

Audrey

Excuse me, still alive here.

Drake

Sorry, it's an expression.

Walter

Megan, out.

Audrey

Out!

Megan

Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.

Audrey

So, we just got off the phone with your principal.

Drake

Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.

Walter

Well, you have been known to 'act out'.

Drake

Like when?

Walter

You drove the lawnmower into the living room.

Drake

By accident.

Audrey

You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.

Drake

To make money.

Walter

Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?

Drake

Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.

Walter

Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.

Audrey

A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.

Drake

This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.

Josh

[comes in the room] She can't!

Drake

What?

Josh

According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.

Drake

What's that?

Josh

It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.

Walter

How were you going to make money with lobsters?

Drake

Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?

Josh

Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.

Drake

Oh really. That's awesome.

Josh

We go to trial in 2 days.

Drake

That's awesome.

Josh

And I'm gonna defend you.

Drake

That's not awesome.

Josh

Hello, happy Saturday!

Audrey

Josh? Is anything going on there?

Josh

Uh... no, nothing to speak of!

Audrey

Well, we're watching TV and we could swear we're looking at a wild party going on in our living room.

Josh

[horrified, to Drake] It's for you! [gives him the phone]

Drake

Mom? What's doing?

Walter

[takes the phone from Audrey, angrily] Alright Drake, I don't know what's going on, but we're coming home.

Drake

No! No! Uh... [Walter hangs up] No you can't, it's just- !

Josh

So how's L.A.?

Drake

[shocked] They're on their way home.

Josh

Oh!

Drake

Man, if we don't get all these people out of here in less than 2 hours, our lives are over.

Josh

Well, what are we gonna do?

Megan!

Walter

Yes, officers, can we help you?

Yes. Sir, do you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city-authorized permit?

Walter

Heh?

Audrey

We didn't host a televised event.

Yeah, we have evidence that says you did.

Walter

But, officers-

Come with us, please. [they grab Walter and Audrey]

Audrey

No, what're you-?

Walter

But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. [cop shuts the door]

Josh

Okay, we're ready!

Megan

Hello? [finds out that Audrey and Walter left as the episode ends]