Mrs. Hayfer quotes from Drake & Josh

[comes in with the graded essays] Morning, class. I graded your essays. [satisfied] Josh, you wrote a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]

Josh

Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.

Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.

Josh

Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.

Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]

Drake

D-? What's wrong with it?

I don't know, just write another one.

Drake

Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?

Josh

Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.

Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey were originally written in what language? Drake!

Drake

Uh, Greek.

WRONG! Todd?

Greek?

[satisfied] CORRECT!

Drake

Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus?

[answers the door] Who's out here?

Drake

Hey, is Kelly- [he notices Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out revealing it's her house] HOLY SNOT!

What a charming sentiment.

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?

Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?

Drake

Isn't this Kelly's address?

Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?

Drake

You're Kelly's mom?!

I'm going to be sick!

Drake

Oh, right there with you.

[comes out of the house] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]

Drake

Yeah, I wasn't expecting my English teacher to be your mom.

Are you one of my mom's students?

If you use the term "student" loosely.

Drake

Well, I’d better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]

Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?

Drake

Um...

Why don't you take me to play miniature golf?

Drake

Oh, you know I-

Oh, I'll get my putter. [leaves and goes inside the house]

Drake

So, nice night, huh?

[satisfied] I hate you.

Drake

I know.

DRAKE!

Drake

Yes ma'am!

Since your talking, please tell the class what's your favorite novel from the 20th Century?

Drake

Uh, Catcher in the Rye.

WRONG.

Drake

Wrong? But you just asked-

WRONG! [Drake mumbles] Was I talking to you?

Drake

Kinda!

Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?

It was in your trunk.

Josh

Hey, Drake, that's your jacket.

Drake

Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.

Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?

Drake

I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.

[angrily] You are suspended, Drake Parker.

Drake

What?

[angrily] SUSPENDED!

Drake

Come on, now you have...

[angrily] TO THE NURSE! [Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car]

Mindy, how could you?!

Mindy

How could you give me a B?! I'm perfect, better than all of you!

Mindy, you're suspended. Drake, you're not. I gotta get some soup.

Good morning, adolescents. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or I will sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?

[runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.

What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!

Josh

So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?

Oh, they're not fighting.

Josh

Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?

Drake

[walks in] Thank you, Becca.

Josh

Of course.

Drake

And how could I ever repay you?

I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the cheek] Let me know if you need more help.

Drake

Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.

Josh

Is nothing personal?

Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?

Drake

Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I had my face buried in this book.

Are you lying to me Drake?

Drake

Would I lie to you?

Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?

Josh

Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-

Josh!

Josh

[whines] No, he wasn't here on time.

Drake

Josh!

Josh

[continues whining] He told that girl to come in here so you'd have to leave so he could to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my sleep tonight I'd appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [ends up getting a scary emotion]

See you tomorrow, class.

Drake

Okay, how many days of detention are you going to give me?

None!

Drake

None!

Josh

She said none.

Drake

I heard the none.

I'm putting you in Remedial English. [Drake and Josh gasp] What's the matter, Drake? Did you not enjoy your last experience in Remedial English class?

[with his hands and feet tied-up] Would someone like to come to the board and diagram that sentence? And perhaps untie me.

[yelling] STOP TALKING!

Drake

Oh, I don't think you're allowed to have dogs in school.

[yelling] YOU LEAVE CUDDLES ALONE!

I heard you kiss good.

Drake

Oh no, not really!

You're our new boyfriend.

I get to kiss him first!

No, I do!

No, you don't!

Drake

[whining] SAVE ME CUDDLES! [Drake's dream ends as the scene cuts to him in the classroom] Okay, you cannot put me back in Remedial English!

Well, there is one other option.

Drake

What other option?

I could give you a little sibling.

Drake

A baby pig?

Josh

A sibling is a brother or sister.

Yes, my husband Gerald is a sponsor for the little sibling foundation.

Drake

I'm almost sure little siblings are baby pigs.

[yelling] WELL, THEY'RE NOT!

Josh

Little siblings is an organization that matches up underprivileged kids with an older brother or sister.

Drake

So you're gonna punish me by making me babysit some kid?

I'm hoping that it will teach you to be responsible. It's your choice Drake, you can get a little sibling or you can go back to Remedial English class. Which will it be?

Drake

I'll take the baby pig.

[comes in The Premiere and finds Drake and Josh with Sammy] Very, very, interesting.

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?

Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?

Josh

There's no nurse here-

TO THE NURSE!

Josh

Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]

Drake

Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.

Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.

[with his hands and feet tied-up] WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!

Drake

Okay, okay, just give me 1 day and I promise Sammy will love me.

Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?

Drake

What?

[satisfied] I hate you.

Drake

[worried] I know.