Audrey Parker Nichols quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

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[Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]

Audrey

Drake!

Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols.

[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]

What happened?! I heard screaming!

It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.

Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?

Tell him.

Audrey

Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.

[yelling] Megan!

[referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?

Audrey

Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!

You got me a dirt bike?

Audrey

No. [she and Walter exchange looks]

AWAudrey and Walter

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]

You're getting ma-ma-ma...?

Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!

Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?

Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]

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Audrey

[while looking for the remote] Boys, where's the remote?

Uh, I-I don't know. I-I-I-I think it's lost. Why-why don't you read a book?

Audrey

I already took algebra.

What-what-what are you doing?

Audrey

You know, you can walk over to the TV and turn it on by hand.

That's crazy talk. What is this? The old west? Yeehaw! No.

Audrey

Is there something on TV you don't want me to see?

No, I just..

Audrey

[turns on the TV but seems to be dead] It's not working.

Well I'm thinkin' I don't.

Audrey

[suspicious] Josh!

[whines] It was a pillow! A pillow! I threw it and it hit the soda and the root beer with the spilling on the TV and then.. pboom!

Audrey

Look, Josh. I don't care about the pillow. I don't care about the TV.

You don't?

Audrey

No, I care that you lied to me. I'm really disappointed in you.

I'm sorry.

Audrey

You should be.

So, am I "grounded" for breaking the TV?

Audrey

No.

[relieved] Oh!

Audrey

You're grounded for lying to me.

[beat] Oh.

Audrey

And you're gonna have to do a lot of extra work around this house. [walks away]

[walks over to the TV] I drink root beer, you don't see me exploding!

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[Walter shuts off the buggy]

What?

Audrey

You can't drive this out in the street!

Sure we can! This thing will do 50!

Audrey

I mean, you're not allowed to drive it.

Why?

Audrey

Why? You're too young.

You don't have driver's licenses.

Audrey

It's dangerous.

That thing can't be street legal, I-it doesn't even have turn signals.

No, that's why I got Josh. Left! [Josh signals left] Right! [Josh signals right]

Sorry, guys.

Audrey

Nope.

Well, why'd you let us fix it up if you weren't gonna let us drive it?

Audrey

We never thought you'd actually get it running.

Look, we can take it up to the lake this summer and you can drive it.

Audrey

Slowly, with helmets on, and bubble wrap.

Until then, it stays in the garage. We clear?

Yeah.

We're clear.

Good. [leaves the garage with Audrey]

Well, I'm not just gonna sit in here.

Me neither.

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Audrey

Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?

Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.

Audrey

Is he okay?

Um... yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...

[comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.

Audrey

[scoldingly to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!

I did?

It-it wasn't the wrestling. It was a car accident.

Audrey

[concerned] Car accident?

[to Megan, eagerly] He's gonna get it now.

Actually, it was a... a dune buggy accident.

Are you okay?

Well, the doctor sai...

Audrey

[interrupting] Wait-wait-wait! What doctor?

I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.

[more eager than before] Here it comes.

Audrey

[pitifully] My poor baby!

[deadpan] Huh?

Audrey

Just look at you. You can barely stand. [she grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]

[wincing] Ah! Ah! Ah! Easy! Easy! Ah! Easy! Everything hurts. You guys, I'm-I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.

[to Megan] NOW he's gonna get it.

Audrey

[rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?

Well-yeah-yeah I knew...

Audrey

You still made your father wrestle him?

When you knew Drake was hurt?

Wait secon-

Guys, guys. Go easy on him. He's a good kid. And about the TV getting broken, that was really kinda my fault. And I talked Josh into lying about it.

Audrey

We'll discuss this later.

What else did the doctor say?

That I should stay in bed and rest for a couple of weeks.

Audrey

Well, that's gonna be easy, 'cause you're GROUNDED.

[satisfied] FINALLY! [sings] Oh yeah! You're grounded. You're grounded. What are you doin' tomorrow? You're grounded.

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[Megan comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]

Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO?

Oh, yeah. This is for you. [gives her an umbrella]

Audrey

Hi. [notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated] Drake! Josh!

DJDrake and Josh

Huh?

[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]

Hey!

[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's game]

[gasps] What up with THAT?

Audrey

One thing! I asked you guys to do one thing for me! Look at Megan! [the boys look at Megan]

She's wet. [Audrey groans in annoyance]

Everyone can see I'm wet, you boob.

Audrey

You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!

Josh...!

Audrey

...Or to sit around, swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!

Drake...!

I keep telling you they're bad people!

Audrey

Well, you have anything to say for yourselves?

Well, mmm... you see, I view this whole incident as a learning experience.

Audrey

Ugh! Upstairs! Both of you, you're grounded tonight.

But it's Saturday night!

I'm supposed to meet Brian Horowitz at the magic palace!

Audrey

Go apologize to your sister, and then, both of you, upstairs!

DJDrake and Josh

[sigh; walk to Megan] Sorry. [Megan shakes her wet head all over them]

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[Dr. Glazer is looking at Drake's rash]

GDr. Glazer

Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.

Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?

Audrey

Is that really possible?

GDr. Glazer

Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]

Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.

GDr. Glazer

Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]

$300?!

GDr. Glazer

Yep, see ya.

Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?

GDr. Glazer

Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and leaves the house]

I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?

Audrey

Well, you heard the doctor.

YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!

[walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.

[takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!

What'd she send you?

[opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!

No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.

Never underestimate Grammy!

What's a GameSphere?

Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]

Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.

Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]

No!

You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!

Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!

No!

[holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...

[whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!

And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]

Oh! [they repeat this process]

This is the greatest day of my life.

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[rocking on the couch, desperately wanting to play his GameSphere from his Grammy] GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere....

[looks at his rash in a mirror] Oh, my face... My face!

GameSphere, GameSphere, GameSphere... [Audrey and Walter notice them and walk into the kitchen]

Audrey

Can you believe them?

Ha! I know! There's no way Josh can keep this up. Drake's gonna win this bet easy.

Audrey

Are you kidding? Drake's rash is spreading, he'll cave first.

You wanna bet on that?

Audrey

You are so on. What d'you wanna bet?

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[the next day, Audrey and Walter have dyed their hair pink, much to Megan's amusement]

Audrey

Drake. Josh. You’ll be late for school.

[Drake and Josh appear also with pink hair]

Okay, I was wrong. This is the best day of my life.

Audrey

Just get in the car.

See ya, boys.

Audrey

Bye.

So, when do you think this pink will wear off?

I don't know. A few weeks. Months.

School's gonna be rough.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let’s go.

Nah. I'm going to get some breakfast. I’ll just meet you at school.

Okay, see ya.

[reveals he wore a pink wig and takes it off; to himself] Idiots. [he goes to the kitchen as the episode ends]

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[as he arrives home] Sorry I'm late, guys.

Where you been all day?

I was just hanging out with a new friend of mine. Actually, I invited him over for dinner And to watch "Canadian Idol" with us. Is that cool?

Audrey

Sure. Megan, will you go tell Josh and Drew that dinner's ready?

Sure. [talks using the speaker] Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner.

Where does she get this stuff?

[to Drake] None of your business.

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[Drake is home from school after being suspended by Mrs. Hayfer]

Did you do it?

No.

Why did you do it?

I didn't.

How did you do it?

I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!

[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room]

Audrey

Excuse me, still alive here.

Sorry, it's an expression.

Megan, out.

Megan': Are you gonna yell at Drake?

Audrey

Out!

Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.

Audrey

So, we just got off the phone with your principal.

Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.

Well, you have been known to 'act out'.

Like when?

You drove the lawnmower into the living room.

By accident.

Audrey

You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.

To make money.

Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?

Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.

Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.

Audrey

A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.

This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.

[comes in the room] She can't!

What?

According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.

What's that?

It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.

How were you going to make money with lobsters?

Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?

Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.

Oh really. That's awesome.

We go to trial in 2 days.

That's awesome.

And I'm gonna defend you.

That's not awesome.

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[Audrey and Walter are having a phone call with Drake and Josh about the party at home]

Hello, happy Saturday!

Audrey

Josh? Is anything going on there?

Uh... no, nothing to speak of!

Audrey

Well, we're watching TV and we could swear we're looking at a wild party going on in our living room.

[horrified, to Drake] It's for you! [gives him the phone]

Mom? What's doing?

[takes the phone from Audrey, angrily] Alright Drake, I don't know what's going on, but we're coming home.

No! No! Uh... [Walter hangs up] No you can't, it's just- !

So how's L.A.?

[shocked] They're on their way home.

Oh!

Man, if we don't get all these people out of here in less than 2 hours, our lives are over.

Well, what are we gonna do?

DJDrake and Josh

Megan!

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[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]

Yes, officers, can we help you?

CCop

Yes. Sir, do you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city-authorized permit?

Heh?

Audrey

We didn't host a televised event.

CCop

Yeah, we have evidence that says you did.

But, officers-

CCop

Come with us, please. [they grab Walter and Audrey]

Audrey

No, what're you-?

But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. [cop shuts the door]

Okay, we're ready!

Hello? [finds out that Audrey and Walter left as the episode ends]

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Audrey

Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!

Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.

Audrey

Josh! You did this?

What!? Drake's the one that said: [whining] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!

AAudurey

[confused] What?

Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.

I tried. You can't get the marriage annlled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.

Oprah is never calling you back!

No. [opens the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table] Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.

Alright, come on. [he and Audrey walk away]

You really think you can fix this?

[opens the window] I think so. But just in case, [grabs a knife holder] best we don't have these in the house. [throws it out the window]

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[the family is having dinner]

More meatballs?

YYonka

Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.

Glad ya like it.

You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd you call that son? Fudgie boos?

Oh, dad, please stop talking.

No, no, no, that wasn't. It. It was frosty poos.

Right. So I'm gonna get more meat.

YYeesta

So, Drake, you have not, told me how you plan to support my daughter.

Well, my hope is to, become a famous musician and singer.

YYeesta

Boosha!

Boosha?!

YYonka

You must get a real job.

Audrey

He's in high school.

Yeah. My grades are very important to me.

Yeah, do you know how hard he works to maintain his "D" average?

Audrey

Megan.

YYonka

I say school not so Important. I not go to school, yet I become billionaire by age.

A B-Billionaire? Like with a "B"?

YYonka

Yok.

Why you didn't tell me. Your family had a billion dollars? That's worth mentioning... My sweet, sweet wife.

YYooka

Ohh, Drake.

Oh, money... Yooka! Ohhh, Yooka.

YYonka

Josh, this meat is magnificent. We don't have beef like this in our homeland.

Oh, that's not beef.

YYeesta

Oh? Then what is this meat?

It's goat.

YYonka

Glokmah?!

YYeesta

You serve us goatballs?!

YYooka

Josh, how you could do this?!

Well, it was Drake's idea. In fact, he cooked this entire meal.

Be quiet, Josh. They have a billion dollars.

YYooka

Drake! You know that goat is sacred in my country!

Yes, Yes! I know! I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!

[Yonka ends the marriage right away as Yooka's family leaves Drake and Josh's home, much to Drake's horror]

YYonka

Family, we go. Now!

Wait, Wait! Don't go! I love you all so much!

YYeesta

[angrily] BOOSHA!

YYonka

[angrily] THIS MARRIAGE IS NO MORE! [rips up Drake and Yooka's certificate]

Yooka! Yooka, wait! Don't go! What about the love we share?! I'm sorry about the glokmah! Wait. Can't I just have a few million dollars? Please? [Yooka and her family leave] Boosha!