FMFBI Man
[comes in] Hey, excuse us. We don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills.
DrakeSo, how many do you want?
FMFBI Man
Well, tell you what, we'll take them all.
Drake
Wait, you want all of them?
FMFBI Man
That's right. [shows them the badge]
Sorry, we only accept cash.
FMFBI Man
These are badges. [show them the badge]
Drake
Dude, cash only.
FMFBI Man
I don't think you understand. Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?
FMFBI Man
You're under arrest for possession and sale of stolen property.
Drake
Stolen the grills?
We're just selling them for these two guys.
Drake
Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen.
FMFBI Man
Right. Sure, come with us please. [handcuffs Drake and Josh]
Drake
Yeah?
Drake
And...?
[Drake and Josh are sent to jail by the FBI for selling the grills, which were stolen by the 2 men]
Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! [the police lock the bars] Drake, do something!
Drake
Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
Drake
I did, they don't believe us!
Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! [Drake grabs him]
Drake
Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These guys are tough.
[Drake brought a trash dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]
Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the trash dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?
Drake
I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
So you let him lick my face?
Drake
Get dressed, we're late.
Drake
Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
Drake
You're hanging out with Drew today?
He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
Drake
So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]
Drake
Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the trash dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]
[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]
Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?
Drake
Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
Drake
I'm not jealous.
Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
Drake
You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
Drake
I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?
I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]
Drake
[as he arrives home] Sorry I'm late, guys.
Drake
I was just hanging out with a new friend of mine. Actually, I invited him over for dinner And to watch "Canadian Idol" with us. Is that cool?
Sure. Megan, will you go tell Josh and Drew that dinner's ready?
Sure. [talks using the speaker] Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner.
Drake
Where does she get this stuff?
[to Drake] None of your business.
[Mrs. Hayfer is angry that her car is in her classroom and believes Drake did it when he is wrongfully accused of pulling a prank on her]
Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?
BBud
It was in your trunk.
Hey, Drake, that's your jacket.
Drake
Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.
Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?
Drake
I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.
[angrily] You are suspended, Drake Parker.
Drake
What?
Drake
Come on, now you have...
[angrily] TO THE NURSE! [Drake gets out of Mrs. Hayfer's car]
[Drake is home from school after being suspended by Mrs. Hayfer]
Drake
No.
Drake
I didn't.
Drake
I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room]
Excuse me, still alive here.
Drake
Sorry, it's an expression.
Megan': Are you gonna yell at Drake?
Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.
So, we just got off the phone with your principal.
Drake
Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.
Well, you have been known to 'act out'.
Drake
Like when?
You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
Drake
By accident.
You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Drake
To make money.
Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Drake
Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.
Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.
A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.
Drake
This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.
[comes in the room] She can't!
Drake
What?
According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.
Drake
What's that?
It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.
How were you going to make money with lobsters?
Drake
Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?
Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.
Drake
Oh really. That's awesome.
We go to trial in 2 days.
Drake
That's awesome.
And I'm gonna defend you.
Drake
That's not awesome.
[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling smugly.]
Drake
[singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
[singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Drake
[singing] Ha ha!
Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
Drake
We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
Which means we are in charge of the house.
Drake
The refrigerator.
Drake
And, the you.
Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
Drake
In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
I was watching something.
Drake
Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
[stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
Drake
[stands up] I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him over]
[stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]
[Audrey and Walter are having a phone call with Drake and Josh about the party at home]
Josh? Is anything going on there?
Uh... no, nothing to speak of!
Well, we're watching TV and we could swear we're looking at a wild party going on in our living room.
[horrified, to Drake] It's for you! [gives him the phone]
Drake
Mom? What's doing?
[takes the phone from Audrey, angrily] Alright Drake, I don't know what's going on, but we're coming home.
Drake
No! No! Uh... [Walter hangs up] No you can't, it's just- !
Drake
[shocked] They're on their way home.
Drake
Man, if we don't get all these people out of here in less than 2 hours, our lives are over.
Well, what are we gonna do?
[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
NNikki
Hey, what's going on?
CGCollege Guy
Turn the music back up!
Drake
Everyone, quiet, please!
Okay, we have an emergency!
Drake
Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
CGCollege Guy
Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Drake
Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
NNikki
Yeah! Come on, let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
Drake
[to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
[in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers before Audrey and Walter come home]
Oh, no! Look! [points to the vent]
Drake
It's the monoxipuff gas!
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them]
Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! [he and Drake hug each other after everyone leaves the house]
[Drake and Josh dress up as burglars and are sneaking inside Megan's room]
Okay, now, look around, find some evidence that proves that she's a demon and then let's get out of here!
Drake
Yeah, this place gives me the skives.
Drake
No, look under the bed.
Okay. Find anything over there?
Drake
Wait, Josh, Josh come here! [picks up Megan's picture]
Drake
Check out this family picture!
Drake
I look good!
Will you please stay focused!? [takes Megan's picture away from him] See anything yet? Check in the closet. [Drake opens and checks Megan's closet] See anything in there?
Drake
Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
[hears electrical sound] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
Drake
So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]
So that's why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.
Drake
Come on, let's just get this back up. [puts the unicorn poster back on the wall]
Drake
When mom and dad come home, we'll show them this stuff then they'll see how Megan really is.
Yeah, yeah. Cause now, we got evidence baby. Come on, let's get out of here. [he and Drake leave Megan's room, but Drake stops by to stare at Megan's picture some more which causes Josh to come back] PUT IT DOWN! [Drake puts Megan's picture down and Josh points to the door so that way he could make Drake leave Megan's room]
[Opening comments: Josh is emailing his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and prank called Josh]
[looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
Drake
[looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] 1 sec. [picks up phone] Hello?
Drake
[on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
[skeptical and aware it's actually Drake] Oh is it?
Drake
[still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, a code 3.
[getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up] Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— [telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour it all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
[confused] Josh, it's your father.
Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he go downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch with a soda and realizes his mistake] Oh, jeez.
[smiles] You know, you're going to ruin your cuticles.
Drake
[stops, unamused] Yeah, you can make jokes. You're still single.
She just wants to stay in America. You might be technically married, but it's not like it's going to change your life.
Drake
Yeah, I just need something to get my mind off of it. [sees Allie walk up to the stand] Well hello, something... [walks over and discreetly knocks her purse off the counter, picking it back up] Uh, excuse me? Is this your purse on the floor?
AAllie
[takes it] Yeah, thanks. It must've fallen when I wasn't looking.
Drake
Well then, this is your lucky day.
Drake
Well, you got your purse back and, I'm free tonight.
AAllie
[flirts] Then it is my lucky day.
YYooka
[walks up behind her] Ahem.
Drake
Yooka? What're you doing here?
YYooka
[to Allie] You, you take your eyes off my husband! You skunk bag!
Drake
Yooka!
Drake
Uh, no, no! You see, I'm not really her husband. We're just married.
AAllie
You're married, and you're hitting on me?!
Drake
[sheepishly chuckles] You see, there's a funny story...
[Allie smacks Drake with her purse, as she and her friend storm off into the theater]
Ok, Drake. I just want you to calmly explain to me [yelling] WHY YOU ARE MARRIED TO THAT EUDONAIN GIRL!
Drake
Well, you see Josh arranged this-this whole friendship ceremony, but-but it turned to be a marriage ceremony.
What!? Drake's the one that said: [whining] "EE-NAY KURESAI M'JOONGA OON-TA-YAH" WHEN THE SUN WAS IN THE HOUSE OF KARFLOG!!
AAudurey
[confused] What?
Alright. We'll just call the Eudonain embassy and we'll have them annll the marriage.
I tried. You can't get the marriage annlled unless both the husband and wife agree. Don't worry, alright. I'm working on a plan.
Drake
Oprah is never calling you back!
No. [opens the fridge and gets a container out of there and places it on the table] Mom, dad, just go out there and keep Yooka's parents busy for a while. [Audrey and Walter stare at him] Just trust me.
Alright, come on. [he and Audrey walk away]
Drake
You really think you can fix this?
[opens the window] I think so. But just in case, [grabs a knife holder] best we don't have these in the house. [throws it out the window]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
