[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]
Megan[satisfied] What, you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the Yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. [walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]
[Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]
[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]
What happened?! I heard screaming!
It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here.
Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here?
Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
Megan
[referring to her parents; disgusted] Ugh, are they done sucking face yet?
Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news!
No. [she and Walter exchange looks]
AWAudrey and Walter
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! [Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]
You're getting ma-ma-ma...?
Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family!
Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? [Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh] And you! [Josh nods, smiling] You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...?
Hug me, brotha'! [he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]
[Drake comes into the garage and finds Megan looking through a storage box of toys]
Megan
I think he's dangling from the gutter.
Megan
What makes you think that I would have the baby?
Because you're a devious, twisted little girl.
Megan
[laughs] Why thank you, Drake.
[picks Megan up by her shirt] Where is the baby?
[Megan comes home all soaked, since Drake and Josh were too distracted to pick her up]
Megan
Hello? [the boys don’t response, so she walks up to them] HELLO?
Oh, yeah. This is for you. [gives her an umbrella]
Hi. [notices Megan soaked, becomes frustrated] Drake! Josh!
[Audrey snatches Drake's bag of chips]
[Audrey takes the remote and shuts off Josh's game]
[gasps] What up with THAT?
One thing! I asked you guys to do one thing for me! Look at Megan! [the boys look at Megan]
She's wet. [Audrey groans in annoyance]
Megan
Everyone can see I'm wet, you boob.
You were too busy to go get your sister, but you weren't too busy to play video games all day!
...Or to sit around, swallowing 20 pounds of junk food!
Megan
I keep telling you they're bad people!
Well, you have anything to say for yourselves?
Well, mmm... you see, I view this whole incident as a learning experience.
Ugh! Upstairs! Both of you, you're grounded tonight.
I'm supposed to meet Brian Horowitz at the magic palace!
Go apologize to your sister, and then, both of you, upstairs!
DJDrake and Josh
[sigh; walk to Megan] Sorry. [Megan shakes her wet head all over them]
[Dr. Glazer is looking at Drake's rash]
GDr. Glazer
Well, this is gonna sound a little odd, but... the recent change in Drake's diet probably caused the rash.
Wait a minute. You're saying that he got that rash from NOT eating junk food?
GDr. Glazer
Sure. See, his body was so accustomed to all the fat, sugar, and sodium, that when he suddenly stopped, it resulted in this hideous facial rash. [Drake glares at Dr. Glazer] No offense. [Drake becomes relieved]
Well, we really appreciate you coming by, Jeff. It's nice to have a doctor that lives across the street.
GDr. Glazer
Yeah, nice for you. Here's your bill. [hands Walter the bill]
Wait, wait, wait! What about my hideous facial rash?
GDr. Glazer
Well, I normally advise my patients to stay away from junk food, but in light of your face, I suggest that you eat some, perhaps a doodle cake. [hands a note to Drake and points to Walter] $300. [grabs his bag and leaves the house]
I can't believe this. I mean, it makes me... almost unattractive. What am I gonna do?
Well, you heard the doctor.
YEAH! Bring in the junk food! WHOO! [starts singing and dancing] Joshie won the bet! Drake's gonna have pink hair! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la!
Megan
[walks in with a package for Josh] Hey, spaz! [Josh stops dancing] This package just came for you.
[takes the package] It's a- it's a present from Grammy! This day just keeps getting better!
[opens up the package and gasps] It's a GameSphere!
No way, the GameSphere doesn't come out for another 3 months.
Never underestimate Grammy!
Only the most sophisticated gaming experience ever created by humans, and it's Spherical! SPHERICAL! Oh, man! I gotta plug this in! [sets his GameSphere on the table]
Good. 'Cause the second you do, you lose the bet.
Oh, but... but... [holds a mirror in front of Drake's face.]
You gotta eat some junk food right now! Doctor said so!
Oh, no way, man. Ain't gonna happen. Now go ahead. Play your ultra cool new GameSphere!
[holds the GameSphere in front of Josh's face] It's spherical...
[whines] I know! [comes to his senses] But I ain't playing it!
And I'm not eating junk food! [Josh holds the mirror in front of Drake's face again] Oh! [turns Josh's face towards the GameSphere]
Oh! [they repeat this process]
Megan
This is the greatest day of my life.
[the next day, Audrey and Walter have dyed their hair pink, much to Megan's amusement]
Drake. Josh. You’ll be late for school.
[Drake and Josh appear also with pink hair]
Megan
Okay, I was wrong. This is the best day of my life.
So, when do you think this pink will wear off?
I don't know. A few weeks. Months.
Nah. I'm going to get some breakfast. I’ll just meet you at school.
[reveals he wore a pink wig and takes it off; to himself] Idiots. [he goes to the kitchen as the episode ends]
[comes in his and Josh's room] Where's the guitar?
Megan
See ya. [walks out of Drake and Josh's room]
I uh, I uh, I put it away.
You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew?
So where'd you put the guitar?
Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me?
Who's hassling you? [he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh] It's locked.
Yes, some people care about safety.
Just calm down and give me the key?
FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK! Why are you acting all freakish?
Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. [snaps his finger]
Uh. Don't worry. Alright. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith.
Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing.
And you're sure you don't know where the original key is?
[mumbles] Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone.
KKid
[from outside] Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk!
[yelling out the window] KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! [closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]
[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from football tryouts]
Megan
You look terrible.
Megan
And you have 5 new e-mails. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Wait, how does she know how many e-mails?
Forget about that. What happened to you?
Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Alright, so you didn't make the team. We'll just find another way to make you cool.
Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-quipment manager! [pause] E-quipment manager!
Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool.
No, you work for the team, which is uncool!
Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! [puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]
The dirty laundry of football players!
Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks.
No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes?
Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms.
Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! [picks up his dirty bag of laundry] Excuse me, I have costumes to wash. [his laundry bag opens by itself] Oh, that's ripe. [walks away]
[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for the football team]
Megan
Hey, Josh.
Megan
Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?
Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen!
Megan
You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you.
[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]
[comes in the kitchen] What are you doing?
Making brownies for the football team.
Oh, that's cool, Josh. [sarcastically] Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. [walks over to Josh]
[Megan pops her head up from the living room and hears Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulls the flowers out of the flower vase]
[voiceover] Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?
Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate.
[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together to prank Josh's football team as she hears Drake and Josh talking to each other]
[voiceover] Does it triple the double uncoolness.
[voiceover] Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven.
[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking bowl]
Megan
I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me on Live TV. That's pressure.
Megan
Serious pressure. I mean, think about it. You make one mistake and millions of people see it. That's almost making like millions of mistakes in front... of the whole world.
I never thought about that.
Megan
... Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll be fine. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back.
Megan
Remember the 4th grade, Josh, the twitch.
Megan
Dad.
Megan
Hey, Drake. Will you drive me to oboe practice?
You know I didn't get my license.
Megan
I know. I just love making you say it. [leaves the kitchen, then returns and speaks from the door to tease him again] Drake, later, will you drive me to the...[Drake throws a piece of food at her to shut her up, she screams and dodges]
[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Alright, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
So what movie are we seeing?
We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
[all the Campfire Kids groan]
[sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
Megan
I'd call Mom on my phone.
Say you didn't have your phone.
Megan
I always have my phone.
Megan
I always carry a-
It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
Megan
So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
[beat] That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]
[Drake arrives home from school and confronts Wendy after putting flyers with his picture all over his school]
You know how much trouble your little flyers caused me? Everyone in my entire school made fun of me today because of you.
They just don't understand our relationship.
We don't have a relationship. You got it? I'm not gonna sing a song for you, and I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even your friend. So, just leave me alone. [walks away]
PPete
So when's the wedding?
[the Campfire Kids laugh and Wendy runs away]
Megan
You know that wasn't nice.
PPete
Who said I was nice?
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
