Edie Britt quotes from Desperate Housewives

Edie

Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing.

Felicia

Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place.

Edie

I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.

Lynette

Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue.

Susan

Do you believe in evil, Edie?

Edie

Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!

Edie

Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.

Susan

He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Edie

When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend.

Lynette

I thought you said you didn't have any female friends.

Edie

I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either.

Susan

Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?

Edie

Hmm. Just a hunch.

Susan

Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?

Julie

Guys!

Edie

"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved.

Susan

That is so not true!

Edie

Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you.

Susan

She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me.

Edie

No, she wouldn't.

Susan

Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?

Julie

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Susan

No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?

Edie

Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you.

Julie

Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie.

Edie

Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please.

Bree

Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body.

Gabrielle

About time.

Susan

You must be so relieved.

Bree

You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?

Edie

Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies.

Bree

Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free Friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial.

Gabrielle

The what?

Bree

Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.

Gabrielle

We would love to come.

Susan

Absolutely.

Edie

I'm busy. Sorry.

Susan

Edie!

Edie

She's going to read a poem!

Edie

Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.

Bree

My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.

Susan

What?

Bree

Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!

Gabrielle

Are you sure?

Bree

Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand and I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?

Edie

Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?

Bree

(exploding) I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

Susan

How do you sleep at night?

Edie

Soon... with Mike on top of me

Edie

Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.

A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!

Edie

Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

Edie

I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy.

Mike

No, I didn't pick up on it.

Edie

Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing.

Mike

Wrench.

Edie

Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast.

Mike

What are you trying to say?

Edie

Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people.

Mike

You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?

Edie

Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this.

That's your advice?

Edie

Well, I’m sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex.

Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."

Edie

"Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi.

Edie

"You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."

Carlos

"Then what was all that moaning?"

Edie

"I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"

Carlos

"Oh, come on!"

Edie

"You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."

Carlos

"I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."

Edie

"Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."

Carlos

"Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

Gabrielle

"Can I say something?"

Edie

"What?"

Gabrielle

"I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."

Edie

"Why are you talking like that?"

Gabrielle

"Well, I thought just in case we..."

Edie

"Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."

Gabrielle

"Do you really hate me?"

Edie

"Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."

Gabrielle

"Well, I'm still sorry, though."