Bree Van de Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Rex

What are we gonna do?

Bree

Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster.

Rex

Please, let's go now...

Bree

Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu.

Rex

Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating.

Bree

Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.

Rex

Bree...

Bree

I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step.

Bree

Porter, what did I tell you?

But I'm hungry.

Bree

Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.

Ew, barf.

Bree

Don't be common, young man.

Lynette

Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled.

Bree

I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette

Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

Bree

If it were any other day.

Lynette

Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Rex

Bree, why aren't you dressed?

Bree

I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is.

Rex

Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs.

Bree

(ignoring him) A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that.

Rex

Bree...

Bree

Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green...

Rex

Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car.

Bree

(quietly, to herself) I'll wear green; everyone likes green.

Bree

Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?

Rex

Haha. No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years.

Bree

Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie.

Bree

I can't afford to break down right now.

Gabrielle

Why?

Bree

You're about to find out.

Bree

You are no longer invited to the funeral.

What?!?

Bree

I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and they will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter.

Bree, this is your grief talking.

Bree

Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away from your church.

Bree!

Bree

I'm not kidding. I will get non-denominational so fast it will make your head spin.

Andrew

Mom, Grandma's leaving.

Bree

I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral.

Andrew

Why?

Bree

If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me.

Andrew

Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.

Danielle

(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!

Andrew

(to Danielle) Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there.

Bree

I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late.

Andrew

I'm sorry, but I already have plans.

Bree

Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?

Andrew

Yeah, so?

Bree

Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?

Andrew

Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?

Bree

Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.

Bree

Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body.

Gabrielle

About time.

Susan

You must be so relieved.

Bree

You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?

Edie

Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies.

Bree

Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free Friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial.

Gabrielle

The what?

Bree

Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem.

Gabrielle

We would love to come.

Susan

Absolutely.

Edie

I'm busy. Sorry.

Susan

Edie!

Edie

She's going to read a poem!

Edie

Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come.

Bree

My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him.

Susan

What?

Bree

Yes, the cardiologist shared this moronic theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!

Gabrielle

Are you sure?

Bree

Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand and I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?

Edie

Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?

Bree

(exploding) I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

Bree

Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.

Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.

Bree

I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

Bree

Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Andrew

Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Bree

Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Andrew

Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?

Bree

Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Andrew

Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.

Bree

If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

So the hives occurred right after you kissed George.

Bree

Yes. It was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about to make love for the first time.

Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?

Bree

Actually, I have not considered that, because that's... idiotic.

You don't think that being with George made you feel a bit guilty?

Bree

Why should I feel guilty?

Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery.

Bree

Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse.

Maybe that's not how you really feel deep down.

Bree

Oh, so you think I'm crazy?

You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason, and it's probably a psychosomatic one.

Bree

You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious.

Every time you've said 'Rex' in this session, you stroked the place where your wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?