Bree Van de Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Bree

I'm repairing a chipped mug.

Rex

Why don't you just buy a new one?

Bree

Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Bree

This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car.

Rex

How can you be so sure?

Bree

Because I have faith in the poor.

Bree

Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?

Rex

All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!

Bree

Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex.

Maisy

You’re not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you’d hate the humiliation a lot more.

Bree

Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you.

Bree

(whispering) As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex

Bree...

Bree

And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

Maisy

Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?

Bree

Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?

Rex

Hey!

Bree

I'm not speaking to you.

Rex

Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?

Bree

You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.

Rex

You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!

Bree

Hardly? How about never!

Rex

I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...

Bree

You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!

Rex

Isn’t divorce fun?

Rex

What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?

Bree

I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.

Bree

Okay. So what’s our control word?

Rex

Well, lately I’ve been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?

Bree

Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap.

Rex

Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.

Bree

Um, how about Boise?

Rex

Boise?

Bree

What's the matter with Boise?

Rex

We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."

Bree

Hmm. How about Palestine?

Rex

Boise will be just fine.

Rex

For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.

Bree

What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

John

Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree

Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?

John

Sure. So, what can I do for you?

Bree

Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.

Bree

You're President of the abstinence club!

Danielle

Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term.

Lynette

I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.

Gabrielle

Obviously someone who is not getting it at home.

Bree

Ah, what just happened?

Lynette

The stakes were raised.

Bree

Yes, yes they were. I fold.

Maisy

..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.

Bree

Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with.

Rex

Are they laughing at us?

Bree

No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying.