Andrew Van De Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Andrew Van De Kamp

She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Andrew

Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine...

Danielle

You suck, you know that.

Andrew

You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?

I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins.

Andrew

When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise.

Andrew

(referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?

Rex

Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

Andrew

Mom, Grandma's leaving.

Bree

I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral.

Andrew

Why?

Bree

If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me.

Andrew

Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.

Danielle

(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!

Andrew

(to Danielle) Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there.

Bree

I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late.

Andrew

I'm sorry, but I already have plans.

Bree

Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?

Andrew

Yeah, so?

Bree

Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?

Andrew

Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?

Bree

Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.

Bree

Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Andrew

Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Bree

Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Andrew

Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?

Bree

Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Andrew

Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.

Bree

If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

Bree

Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.

Andrew Van De Kamp

You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.

Bree

Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Lynette

I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?

Andrew

Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge.

Lynette

"That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."

Andrew

"That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette

"Ok...My fault for asking."

Gabrielle Solis

[to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot.

Andrew Van De Kamp

Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar.

Gabrielle Solis

What jar?

Andrew Van De Kamp

It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible.

Gabrielle Solis

I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!