Bree Van de Kamp quotes from Desperate Housewives

Bree

Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.

Andrew Van De Kamp

You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.

Bree

Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Bree

What are you watching?

Gloria

Home movies.

Bree

It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?

Gloria

Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death.

Bree

We also have cable.

Bree

It's not that easy. I love him.

Gloria

You'll get over it. I did.

Susan

So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the first time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them.

Bree

And yet you're cooking?

Susan

What's going on?

They just arrested Mike for murder.

Susan

What?!

"They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."

Bree

Oh, thank God!

Susan

What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?

Lynette

Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"

Gabrielle

I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?

Bree

They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence.

Susan

Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?

Susan

If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his things? Where's his desk?

Bree

At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?

Susan

I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?

Susan

Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband.

Bree

Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents.

Susan

Fine. I'll cook myself.

Bree

Good. Let me know if there are any survivors.

Susan

And if you take Orson back, you do the same.

Bree

Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you.

Gloria

So you're exiling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?

Bree

That's our gift to them.

Bree Van De Kamp

You raped my husband!

We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me.

Bree Van De Kamp

Baby?

It's true. I could be expecting right now.

Bree Van De Kamp

Were you expecting this?

Bree Van De Kamp

Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um...

Bree Van De Kamp

...bring the wheelbarrow.

Bree Van De Kamp

Dead?

Lynette

(who is high) I'm a ninja!

Danielle

(to Bree) A baby is God’s most precious gift. I will not have mine raised by a cold emotionally unavailable woman like you.

Danielle

(to Bree) You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you’re not gonna emasculate me.

Bree

You don’t even know what that means, you petulant sockpuppet.

Bree

"Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"

Orson

"Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."

Bree

"You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"

Orson

"Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."

Bree

"A what?"

Orson

"Ambulance."

Bree

"How many rum punches did you have?"

Orson

"There was punch in that rum?"

Edie

Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.

Bree

Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Lynette

How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?

Susan

I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.

Bree

Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.

Susan

I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.

Bree

Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.

Gabrielle

Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?

Lynette

I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

Gabrielle

So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.