[Dan and Chris are at a library]
DanNone of this is helping!
Dan
Don't shush me. You don't shush me! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!
Shh! [Dan hits him with a book] Shh! [Dan hits him with a book again, then Dan ends up getting in a fight with Chris, and the librarians throw Dan and Chris out of the library] Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.
Dan
You get used to it.
Now what? You still need information.
Dan
Don't be stupid. We go to a different library.
[stomach growls] I need lunch first.
Dan
It's 10:00 in the morning.
[Dan and Chris are at another library]
Dan
Hey, Magellan, the books are that away.
I want to ask that librarian. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.
Dan
Help us? For free?
Dan
Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.
LLibrarian
May I help you?
Dan
I doubt it.
LLibrarian
May I help you, sir?
Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.
LLibrarian
Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.
Dan
He's talking in code! GET HIM! [he tries to get the librarian but Chris stops him]
It's not code, Dan. It's the Dewey Decimal System.
Dan
Which is a code!
Well, yes, but- but it's a benign one.
Dan
So he's just talking about books?
Dan
Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?
We need some specific information.
Dan
How do we hurt New Mexico?
LLibrarian
Why would you want to do that?
Dan
It's personal.
LLibrarian
Personal vendettas against states? Sure. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.
Dan
Thank you, good sir. I- wait a minute! Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers. I told you this guy couldn't help us.
LLibrarian
I didn't say that. I can help you, but I want something in return.
Dan
Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks.
LLibrarian
You see that goon over there? He's got a new girlfriend.
Dan
So?
Uh, we- you know, we really only came in for a book.
LLibrarian
You want help with something, I want help with something.
Dan
And this guy just mulls around your library?
LLibrarian
Silently mocking me.
Dan
The gall!
[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]
All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?
Dan
Dan. [speaking gibberish]
Something on your mind, Dan?
Dan
How come she gets to sit in the front seat?
Dan
That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?
You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.
[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]
My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!
[Elise's flashback ends]
Dan
Hello? I asked what it did to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
Dan
You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!
[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]
[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.
Dan
It really is.
Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.
Dan
Blink.
Dan
[gets inside the truck] That's the last one.
[yawns] About time. I'm getting sleepy.
Dan
New Mexico, consider yourself fired. [he throws the lighter out of the truck, but it ends up on the truck's floor causing him and Chris to leave the truck, then the truck drives away itself to explode the hot air balloons]
Dan
No! I just realized I threw away my good lighter.
You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?!
Dan
It was nice. I liked it.
[Chris is gardening his plant while Dan is calling him]
Dan
[on the phone waiting for Chris] Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! Are you screening this call? No one screens me! I will not be screened.
Dan
Chris, get over here.
Dan. I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today.
Dan
I'm not going. I have been wronged.
Dan
I can't believe it either. I demand vengeance.
Dan
The worst, most devious subhuman of them all.
Dan
Close. The Wolf-Man.
The Wolf-Man? Like from the movies?
Dan
Like the movies, but a real one.
Dan
Just get over here.
Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you with revenge anymore, so-
Dan
GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! [Chris hangs up and Dan calls him again] I SAID NOW!
Dan
What took you so long?
Dan
Stupid Wolf-Man, I'll get you!
There's no such thing as a Wolf-Man, Dan.
Dan
How could you be so naive? Look at the fur, look at the paw prints!
There's an animal shelter right there.
Dan
Look!
Those are sneaker prints.
Dan
Exactly!
Dan
What wears shoes but also has paws? The Wolf-Man!
So you're saying that the Wolf-Man's a jogger.
Dan
He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust! Of course he jogs!
If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?
Dan
Obviously, he runs like this!
He doesn't run like that in the movies.
Dan
[angrily] THIS ISN'T THE MOVIES! THIS IS REAL LIFE! STOP LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD! THE WOLF MAN SCRATCHED MY CAR AND HE MUST PAY! NEXT MONTH!
Dan
Next full moon. Don't you watch movies?
So what are we doing today?
Dan
NOTHING! GO HOME! [he leaves to his apartment]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment on Halloween night]
Dan
Never mind. I don't need your help. The situation is under control.
Dan
Quiet!
Dan
The Wolf-Man. I caught him.
Dan
Mission accomplished.
Dan
Quiet! You can go.
[angrily arrives at Dan's apartment and finds a little boy hung upside down] Oh, Dan, this is not okay.
Dan
What isn't okay? I caught the Wolf-Man.
This isn't the Wolf-Man! Dan, you caught a trick-or-treater.
Dan
Of course he's the Wolf-Man. Look at him.
Dan
No.
So how did he scratch your car?
Dan
Maybe he grows claws.
Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolf-Man!
Dan
Of course there is!
LBLittle Boy
I want to go home!
DCDan and Chris
[yelling] QUIET!
You can't go kidnapping children. And, you, don't you know not to go trick-or-treating without an adult?
Dan
Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there. You could end up on a milk carton.
[frees the kid] Awfully sorry about this. [the boy kicks him] Ow!
Dan
Well, at least you're here to help me with the- Wolf-Man! There he is! Get him!
LBLittle Boy
Trick or- [screams as Dan begins to chase him]
Dan, stop! That's a yeti.
[Dan and Chris chase the little boy thinking he's the Wolf-Man]
Dan
He's reverting to human form.
PPolice Officer
[as he sees Dan and Chris chase the little boy] Oh, right. I'm a cop. Hey!
[Dan and Chris are in the lobby with the police officer]
PPolice Officer
Alright. Now, which one of you is Chris?
PPolice Officer
Okay. So we have a wallet, keys, a comb.
Why do you have a comb? Your hair is boring.
PPolice Officer
A locket with a picture in it.
Dan
[seeing the locket with Elise's picture] Hey, that's not me.
PPolice Officer
3 bouillon cubes, 2 beef, 1 chicken.
Dan
Really?
There might be a soup-related emergency.
PPolice Officer
Do you mind? I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.
Dan
Oh, yeah? What do you got going on that's so important?
PPolice Officer
I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish sometime this year.
Good book. Not all of it works, though.
PPolice Officer
Now what else? Okay, so are you Dan?
Dan
Give me my stuff.
PPolice Officer
Okay. We got an enemies list and several expletive-laced letters to someone named Grandma. Also I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal limit on pocket lint.
Dan
What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone. You can't treat me like this. I know people who pay taxes. And where are my knucks?
PPolice Officer
Brass knuckles are illegal in California and the rest of the country. They've been confiscated.
Dan
[angrily] Confiscated? Confiscated?
Dan
[angrily] CONFISCATED?! [he throws a tantrum messing things around the police station like kicking a trash can and ripping paper off the bulletin board] I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! THOSE WERE A GIFT FROM MY MOTHER. HOW DARE YOU?! I'M GOING TO CONFISCATE THIS WATER! [drinks water] WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? HOW DARE YOU?! WELL, I'M CONFISCATING THIS AND THIS, [steals the envelope and pen] AND I'M CONFISCATING YOUR HAT!
PPolice Officer
Sir, do not reach for my hat.
[Dan takes the police officer's hat of him and wears it, but the police officer teases him with a stun gun]
[while driving home] I am so tired.
Dan
That is just like you. One minor run-in with the law, and you're set to give up. Not me, pal.
Give up? Now I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.
Dan
And let the Wolf-Man roam free?
Oh, for the last time, [the wolf howls] there’s no- [Dan covers Chris' mouth]
Dan
Shh! Did you hear that?
Dan
Drive north. North, you monkey! [Chris drives in the other direction towards the freeway as he and Dan are stuck in traffic] Ow! Oh, come on. How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?
Halloween. Normal people are coming back from costume parties, not police stations.
Dan
I hate everyone.
Dan
I do. I hate everyone.
All that anger's not good for you, you know. It's eating you alive.
Dan
You know what you can eat?
I don't have to be out here driving you around, you know. I've got better things to do than looking for mythical creatures.
Dan
He's not mythical. He scrat-
I have put up with an awful lot.
Dan
My car! He scratched my car!
I have put up with an awful lot from you on this stupid quest of yours, but no more. I'm out!
Dan
You're stupid.
Next time, you should have one of your other friends help you.
Dan
Like who?
I don't know. How about your friend Ted?
Dan
He's not talking to me right now.
You know, people struggling with dangerous- [as the Wolf-Man is seen rushing past their car]
Dan
That's him! [he sees the Wolf-Man stops as he stares at him, he gives an evil smirk as the Wolf-Man glares, causing him to glare back, and the Wolf-Man glares some more, giving a growl before howling and jumping on 3 cars]
Dan
Come on, get after him! Pretend he's a sandwich.
What kind of sandwich? [Dan steps on the gas petal as he speeds up the car] Watch out! Stop it! Let go! [he drives off and goes on a wild chase with the Wolf-Man]
Dan
You let go!
[the Wolf-Man jumps over more cars as Dan and Chris skid out of control]
Dan
We're going to lose him!
Dan
Fine!
[the car swerves some more causing a donut as the Wolf-Man is seen waiting at a stoplight waiting for the light to turn green as Dan and Chris accidentally run over him as Chris stops the car, he and Chris lean forward to see if they hit him, but the Wolf-Man's paw reaches on top of their car and they gasp, the Wolf-Man inches closer towards them and growls while breathing on Chris' windshield, roaring, Dan and Chris scream when Chris hits the reverse on the shift and they back up, as the Wolf-Man falls off the car, dazed as he runs off]
Dan
What are you doing? Get after him!
Dan
AAARGH! [he kicks Chris out of the car and drops him off the road]
You are coming back, right?
[Dan is walking down the pavement, holding a box of milk and a grocery bag holding a box of cookies as the Ninja is following him]
Dan
Another horrible day. Made slightly better with cookies and special lactose-free milk.
[Ninja cuts off the bottom of Dan's grocery bag, stealing Dan's cookies, hidden in the bushes he eats one of the cookies]
NNinja
Yuck! Dry! Unsatysfying! Take that! [he throws a shurinken towards Dan, who's drinking the milk straight out of the box cutting the box in half and drenching Dan with milk]
Dan
Hey! What the-!
WWoman
Umm, drinking problem much?
Dan
There wasn't even a verb in that sentence! Just a lousy gerund. Where did that throwing star come from? [he touches the star, hurting his finger] Oh, well. At least I still have my cookies. [he reaches down the bag only to discover the bottom has been cut off] I can't believe this! [he pulls the shuriken out of the tree trunk where it was stuck before] NINJAAAAAAA!!!
Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.
Dan
Is it?
Dan
I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.
Dan
Pancakes!
Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?
Dan
Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
Dan
This one did.
But how - How did you know it was a -
Dan
He was in pajamas.
I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?
Dan
Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.
If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!
Dan
What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!
I don't break your plates.
[walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?
Dan
I get mine first.
Dan
I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.
I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
Dan
You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]
Dan
Now tell me it's not a ninja.
The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?
[closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.
Dan
Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?
What?! I'm always helping-
Dan
Papapap!
It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]
Did you notice anything strange right there?
Dan
You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?
No, Elise was acting funny.
Dan
I told you not to get married.
Okay, come out and let us take a look.
I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]
Dan
Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.
Dan
And be more handsome.
I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
Dan
We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.
To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-
Okay, there's the part I don't like.
Dan
We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.
Well then I'm expendable?
Dan
Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.
No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
Dan
And we're hoping he poisons you instead!
I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.
Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!
Dan
Because you keep eating!
So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!
And you just said probably.
Dan
Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.
Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
Dan
Idiot.
Dan
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
Dan
I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Dan
Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Dan
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
Dan
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Dan
Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
Dan
No problem. Ohh! Heavy.
Dan
What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
[reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
Dan
It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Dan
Like who looks better in evening wear?
Like single combat to the death.
Dan
Oh.
A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
Dan
I'm willing to take that risk.
Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
Dan
Bushes.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
