[first lines] Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great- there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the 1st place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles? Red dirt? Adobe? NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!
[Dan and Chris are at a library]
None of this is helping!
Shh!
Don't shush me. You don't shush me! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!
Shh! [Dan hits him with a book] Shh! [Dan hits him with a book again, then Dan ends up getting in a fight with Chris, and the librarians throw Dan and Chris out of the library] Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.
You get used to it.
Now what? You still need information.
Don't be stupid. We go to a different library.
[stomach growls] I need lunch first.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
It's 12:00 somewhere.
[Dan and Chris are at another library]
Hey, Magellan, the books are that away.
I want to ask that librarian. Maybe he can help you find what you're looking for.
Help us? For free?
That's what they do.
Well, doesn't hurt to try, I guess.
LLibrarian
May I help you?
I doubt it.
LLibrarian
May I help you, sir?
Yes. We're looking for information on New Mexico.
LLibrarian
Right over there between the 900s and the 908s.
He's talking in code! GET HIM! [he tries to get the librarian but Chris stops him]
It's not code, Dan. It's the Dewey Decimal System.
Which is a code!
Well, yes, but- but it's a benign one.
So he's just talking about books?
He is a librarian.
Hey, buddy, don't you think we've tried all the normal books?
We need some specific information.
How do we hurt New Mexico?
LLibrarian
Why would you want to do that?
It's personal.
LLibrarian
Personal vendettas against states? Sure. Right over there in the do-it-yourself section.
Thank you, good sir. I- wait a minute! Drop the attitude, pal! We're customers. I told you this guy couldn't help us.
LLibrarian
I didn't say that. I can help you, but I want something in return.
Aw, I just knew it. Librarians are jerks.
Let's hear him out.
LLibrarian
You see that goon over there? He's got a new girlfriend.
So?
LLibrarian
It's my wife.
Uh, we- you know, we really only came in for a book.
LLibrarian
You want help with something, I want help with something.
And this guy just mulls around your library?
LLibrarian
Silently mocking me.
The gall!
[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]
All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?
Dan. [speaking gibberish]
Something on your mind, Dan?
How come she gets to sit in the front seat?
Because that's our car.
That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?
You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.
[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]
My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!
[Elise's flashback ends]
Hello? I asked what it did to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!
[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]
[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.
It really is.
Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.
Blink.
Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.
Did he give you money for that?
No, but don't worry. I have enough.
I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-
Chris.
Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.
Chris, remember what we talked about?
Which time?
About eating healthier.
Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?
It does.
Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get one thing.
Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--
Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes
Okay.
With cookies in them.
Chris.
It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.
Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.
...Dan said we were having burgers.
If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!
[stammers] I mean, it depends.
Don't jump off a cliff!
Well, I wasn't planning on it.
But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!
[gets inside the truck] That's the last one.
[yawns] About time. I'm getting sleepy.
New Mexico, consider yourself fired. [he throws the lighter out of the truck, but it ends up on the truck's floor causing him and Chris to leave the truck, then the truck drives away itself to explode the hot air balloons]
Dan! Are you alright?
No! I just realized I threw away my good lighter.
You almost got us killed, and you're worried about a lighter?!
It was nice. I liked it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.