Dan quotes from Dan Vs.

Dan

Hey, Chris, open wide! Here's a nice pastrami sandwich for you. [Chris sees his own hand as the sandwich and takes a bite]

Chris

Ow! Stop it! Hey, where did Elise go?

Dan

Shut up.

Chris

Where are you going?

Dan

Out.

Chris

Can you bring me some... water?

Elise

Where have you been?

Chris

Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?

Dan

Mine!

Elise

Dan, let him have a cookie.

Dan

Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.

Chris

Who's this?

Elise

He's the ninja.

Chris

Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.

Former ninja. You can call me Dave.

Chris

Oh. Hi, Dave.

Dan

[on the phone] No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.

Chris

[comes to Dan's apartment] Hey, Dan.

Dan

I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.

Chris

She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.

Dan

To spy on Finland?

Chris

I don't think so.

Dan

What a waste of time.

Chris

Elise's birthday's coming up. You got that 20 bucks you owe me?

Dan

Make her buy her own present!

Chris

Yeah, that's what we did last year. You said you'd pay me back this time.

Dan

[shows Chris a teddy bear] You'll have to speak with my attorney.

Chris

Dan, this is not a legal matter. I'm not suing you. I just want my money.

Dan

[shows Chris a dental teddy bear] Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.

Chris

Hey, that's a cute bear. Where'd you get it?

Dan

The last time I was at the dentist's. [Chris takes the Dan's dental bear away] I had a root canal. They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming. Didn't work.

Chris

Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal?

Dan

That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.

Chris

Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.

Dan

[grabs his bear away from Chris] No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value!

Chris

This bear is payment of debt! [Dan and Chris pull the bear together until the bear breaks Dan's tooth] Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the-

Dan

DENTIIIIIIIIIIIIST!!!

Dan

Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! He'll get his!

Chris

Right now?

Dan

Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain!

Chris

Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.

Dan

Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen!

Chris

He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How?

Dan

Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back!

Chris

Decades later?

Dan

He's a long-term strategist. And he's playing 4th-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string!

Chris

I think you're mixing up games.

Dan

Go fish! I'm in horrible pain!

Chris

Well, it worked. I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.

Dan

And play into their hands?

Chris

What other option do you have?

Dan

We're going to fix it ourselves.

Chris

We? You mostly.

Dan

I can't see inside my own mouth.

Chris

I'm not a dentist.

Dan

Exactly.

Chris

So I can trust you.

Dan

Kind of.

Chris

I'm not putting my hand in your mouth. You're a biter. [he leaves but Dan stops him]

Dan

You're helping, so shut up!

Chris

Are you sure you want me to use a hot glue gun on your mouth?

Dan

For the umpteenth time, yes! You’re overthinking! How else are we gonna stick this thing back on?!

Chris

It says “Not for use on human tissue”.

Hey, Danny! Welcome back! Let's update your forms.

Dan

[walks away] It's "Dan" and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.

Chris

Hey! I'll be over here. [sits down and read a book along with a little boy until Dan shows up] She was cute.

Dan

She hates me.

Chris

Were you rude to her?

Dan

No! A little.

Chris

Only a little. Wow- that's a big step for you. You should ask her out.

Dan

Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil, a.k.a. my dentist.

[voiceover] Danny, we're ready for you now.

Dan

Call me "Danny" again and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable worthless, tooth-scraping life.

Your son is weird.

Chris

He really is.

Dan

Unhand me, wench!

Sir, please quit struggling.

Dan

Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.

Dr. Pullum

Well, hello, Danny. Nice to see you again.

Dan

You!

Dr. Pullum

Shall we take a looksee?

Dan

You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.

Dr. Pullum

Now, let's just calm down. I promise I'll only look, okay? [looks at Dan's teeth] Oh, dear. Been some time since you've been in for a visit. How'd you break your tooth?

Dan

You know darn well it was your trap bear.

Dr. Pullum

Well, let's start with a simple cleaning. It won't hurt a bit, I promise.

Dan

Wait! No, no! Get away from me! [he freaks out while Chris and the kids feel embarrassed] Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me!

Mama, I'm scared!

No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.

Dan

Oh! Please, just kill me! [the baby cries] Chris, help! I'm not going in there! [Chris goes out of the lobby to check on Dan] Oh, it burns! It burns!

Chris

How's it going?

Dr. Pullum

We haven't done anything yet. Haven't even touched him!

Dan

I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! [the receptionist covers his mouth] Hey, wanna go to a movie with me?

Was he like that last time?

Dr. Pullum

He was smaller.

Chris

Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences. You were unconscious for most of it.

Dan

I had nightmares the whole time. It was horrible, I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.

Chris

At least your tooth is fixed. Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.

Dan

What?

Chris

Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.

Dan

Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does?

Chris

Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.

Dan

Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, like a crooked auto mechanic. It's how he keeps people coming back.

Chris

You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.

Dan

And now twice in 1 week! Don't you think that's suspicious?

Chris

Not really.

Dan

Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it!

Chris

Oh, what's your plan?

Dan

We're gonna kidnap the dentist. Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face!

Chris

Wow, I am so not okay with that.

Dan

Oh, come on. You said you'd help.

Chris

Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour. Can I drop you off at home?

Dan

Quisling.

Chris

If I knew what that meant, would I be offended?

Dan

Probably.

Dan

Stop right there, madman!

Dr. Pullum

Try a little Novocain! [he shocks Chris]

Chris

Oh, no, I'm going numb.

Dan

Now you're gonna get it!

Dr. Pullum

Not likely, I'm afraid. I call this the excruciator! [he shocks Dan] Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.

Dan

It's Dan. I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.

Dr. Pullum

While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant. I can cause you excruciating agony any time I want.

Dan

You jerk!

Dr. Pullum

Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions. I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear. At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project. You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.

Dan

Chris, get up!

Chris

I can't, I'm all floppy.

Dr. Pullum

My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the WORLD! [evilly laughs] And now our little game has come to an end. For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out. It's a shame I must destroy you now. Goodbye, Danny!

Dan

The name is Dan! [he throws his dental teddy bear to break Dr. Pullum's teeth which causes Dr. Pullum to whine, he then steps on the remote and crushes it] Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device!

Dr. Pullum

My teeth! My beautiful teeth! [his teeth breaks as Dan hits the emergency button] No!

Self-destruct activated. 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Chris

Ow, ooh, ow!

Dan

You're so heavy.

Chris

Sorry.

Have a nice day, goodbye.

Dan

[satisfied] Now that's what I call tooth decay!

Chris

Ha.

Hey, it's Chris. Leave a message. [beep]

Dan

HOW DARE YOU LET YOUR MACHINE PICK UP!? YOU ARE SCUM! YOU'RE WORTHLESS, SPINELESS, ROTTEN TO THE CORE - THAT'S IT! WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS. I HATE YOU! WE ARE DONE - IF YOU EVER TRY TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, I WILL LITERALLY STRANGLE YOU!! [beat] Come over when you get this. ...it's Dan.

Dan

That's Chris' knock. Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning. [Chris arrives] Finally.

Chris

I came as soon as I got your message. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Dan

Got my message? Why was your phone off?

Chris

Well, my doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't take your calls in the middle of the night.

Dan

This is not okay. You never turn your phone off ever again. Promise me.

Chris

So what do you need me for?

Dan

Promise me!

Chris

I promise. Why am I here?

Dan

Vengeance. They built an animal shelter across the street.

Chris

Another one?

Dan

What do you mean another one?

Chris

Well, Manfrangensen Animal Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.

Dan

What was that? I wasn't listening.

Chris

What's the problem, Dan?

Dan

Well, they won't let me sleep.

Chris

[eating Dan's meatloaf] Who's that?

Dan

Would you start paying attention? The howling beasts. But they'll get theirs.

Chris

[eating Dan's meatloaf] How?

Dan

You'll distract the incompetent at the counter. I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.

Chris

Wait. Wait, are you planning to poison abandoned animals?

Dan

I mean, kind of.

Chris

No!

Dan

Why not? They're just gonna go to sleep forever.

Chris

Dan, these are innocent creatures that have been abandoned by an uncaring society.

Dan

What if I just poison the guy who works there?

Chris

That would be murder.

Dan

But it's for a good cause. I can release the animals, and they can run free.

Chris

I don't think that will sway the jury.

Dan

So I just wasted my whole day making this poison meat loaf? [Chris eats all of Dan's poisoned meatloaf] Oh, no.

Chris

Dan? Have I been poisoned? Dan?

Dan

Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris

Do you have more than one meatloaf?

Dan

Who has more than one meatloaf!?

Chris

[spins around] Oh no! Oh no!

Dan

Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.

Chris

I'm feeling pretty light-headed.

Dan

Yeah. You've been poisoned. Seriously, you should sit down.

Chris

I think I'm going to faint.

Dan

Fall this way. I'll catch you. [Chris faints after eating the poisoned meatloaf] You really should have sat down. [grabs Chris] What are you, made of sand? Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.

Elise

[at home] Hello?

Dan

It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.

Elise

Is Chris with you?

Dan

Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.

Elise

WHAT?

Dan

Well, not dead, but poisoned.

Elise

POISONED?!

Dan

But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.

Elise

You're not making any sense!

Dan

Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.

Elise

Is Chris okay?

Dan

No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.

Elise

Where are you?

Dan

I'm at a pay phone.

Elise

And where is Chris?

Dan

I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.

Elise

[pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?

Dan

Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?

Elise

[angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!

Dan

Like I am? [ends the phone call]

Dan

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Elise

Say beep one more time.

Dan

Beep?

Elise

[punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!

Dan

Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.

Elise

Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!

Dan

I would think shark tank.

Elise

Dan!

Dan

Well, whose fault is this anyway?

Elise

Yours!

Dan

No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.

Elise

You know Chris is on the see-food diet.

Dan

That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.

Elise

I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]

Dan

Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.

Doctor.

Dan

[imitating Chris] Well, hello there. My name is Chris. I would like to purchase these here items.

My. That's a lot of dynamite.

Dan

[imitating Chris] I got some 'sploding to do.

[laughs] Okay, that will be $3700.

Dan

[imitating Chris] Why, I do believe I'll pay with my credit card. [normal voice] Let me get that for you, buddy.

I'm going to need to see some ID with that.

Dan

[shows Chris' ID to the cashier] Why don't you ring yourself up a 30% tip!

Thank you, sir.

Dan

[imitating Chris] And thanks for your help there, my good fellow! [runs out to the car with Chris in normal voice] Don't worry, buddy. Your money didn't go to waste. Thanks again for bankrolling my sweet, sweet revenge! Stupid homeless animals. Uh-oh. Looks like there's no room for you in the car. [imitating Chris] Hey, that's okay. I don't mind. Just stick me through the sunroof. You sure you don't mind? "l don't mind a bit, but can we stop for milk shakes now? Let's get you that milk shake. Thanks, Dan. You're the best.

Hortence

Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.

Dan

World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milkshake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!

Hortence

That'll be $2.98, sir.

Dan

Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.

Elise

Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.

Dan

And you just assume it was me.

Elise

I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!

Dan

Possession is 9-10ths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.

Elise

Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!

Dan

Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.

Elise

Bring him back now, Dan!

Dan

What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!

Elise

You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.

Dan

Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [he goes out of Burgerphile with Chris tied in a dolly] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.

Dan

[arrives at his apartment with Chris in a dolly] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.

Elise

[hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!

Dan

We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.