[Dan and Chris are at the Governor's office with their equipment]
Dan[takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.
I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]
Dan
[whispering] He's coming! Get ready!
[he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!
Dan
I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]
[on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.
[gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.
You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.
Dan
[voiceover] I'll get you for this!
Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]
[the doctor picks up Chris with an ice pack on his butt]
BFAgent Bro-face
I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?
BFAgent Bro-face
I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.
Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.
Dan
[on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [hangs up] Aargh!! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!
Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?
Dan
I have been repeatedly-
Dan
No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Dan
Weren't you a telemarketer?
Dan
[picks up the call] Hello?
[on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?
Dan
STOP CALLING ME!
Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
Dan
Good. Now buy me lunch.
[while Chris and Elise are sleeping, Elise wakes up in the middle to hear Dan watching TV late at night]
Chris! Did you hear that?
Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?
Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.
Dan
Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?
I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?
Dan
Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?
Dan
Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!
Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?
Dan
I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.
Dan
Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.
Why don't you turn your phone off?
Dan
I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.
Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.
Dan
I think you mean eviscerate.
[wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?
Dan
Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.
Dan
I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.
Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.
Dan
Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?
They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.
Dan
Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!
Chris, would you make us some cocoa?
[while Chris is making cocoa, Dan and Elise are sitting down on the table while Elise is using her computer]
They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.
Dan
67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?
I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.
Dan
Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!
It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.
Dan
Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!
I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.
Dan
That could take forever!
Let the record show I was done before Chris.
Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?
Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.
Dan
I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.
You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.
Dan
How do you mean?
They outsourced to Reseda.
What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.
Dan
Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!
As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]
Dan
Are you coming?
[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!
Dan
[worried] But-
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]
Dan
[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise head to an office]
According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.
Dan
I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!
Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.
Hiya, Dan. How've you been?
[Dan is shocked about the telemarketer]
Dan
It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!
Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!
Dan
Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?
So I should just let it go then?
Dan
I WOULD!
By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Dan
Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?
Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?
Dan
And you'll stop calling me, too?
[laughs] It's adorable that you think that.
Dan
Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.
Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.
Dan
I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.
Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?
Dan
Um, I had not thought of that..
Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.
Dan
[yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.
Dan
[angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-
Dan
Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.
Dan
He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with!
Dan
[angrily] YOU HEAR ME IN THERE!? YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME MAD! I LAUGH AT YOU! [laughs angrily] YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BITE YOU! RARH! RARH! [grumbling to himself until Chris and Elise head to the car]
Dan
Bite his face off, that’s what I’ll do.
Calm down, Dan. Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-
Dan
You don’t need to explain. It’s like I told Chris when I was driving to your wedding. [Chris saddened] “Don’t marry Elise. She’s a jerk!”
What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee for me to help you now!
Dan
When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.
[They drop Dan off]
Dan
Some friends! Don’t expect my help when the people yout sent to jail for six months come back for revenge!
[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
PPolice Officer
Run this by me one more time.
Dan
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
PPolice Officer
While you were in jail?
Dan
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
PPolice Officer
So he's you?
Dan
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
PPolice Officer
And then he attacked you?
Dan
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
Dan
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
PPolice Officer
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.
Dan
Did you hear that?
PPolice Officer
Uh, hear what?
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
Dan
[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
PPolice Officer
With pleasure. That door's that way.
Dan
[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
Dan
[yelling] YOU'RE A JERK!
PPolice Officer
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
Dan
I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
PPolice Officer
Oh, so he's here now?
Dan
No! Yes! I mean- No.
[voiceover] That was very smooth.
Dan
[yelling] SHUT UP!
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
Dan
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
Dan
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Dan
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
Dan
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
[Dan chases the telemarketer through the street]
[whining] Oh no Dan. [heads to the police station]
Dan
You can't hide in there!
You've got to help me! He's crazy! He's crazy!
PPolice Officer
Who's crazy?
Dan
Now I've got you!
PPolice Officer
You again? Put down the weapon, sir.
Dan
Back off, copper. This is between me and- [the police office teases him with a stun gun]
I don't wanna be rude but, he's still moving. Could you-
PPolice Officer
I really shouldn't, but okay. [he continues to tease Dan]
[at the end, Dan is in jail, bragging to the imposter that he can't be bothered by telemarketing calls]
Dan
[in jail] So in conclusion, I'm using my one phone call to let you know that, while it would appear to the untrained observer that I have lost this battle, I have, in fact, won. I get to spend the next 6 weeks in a place where no telemarketer can call me. So, ha-ha!
[in the lake fishing] Alright, Danno, I guess you did win. Man, that guy should learn to let stuff go. [whistles as the episode ends]
[Chris is eating popcorn as Dan comes to scare him]
Dan
How can you watch that filth?
How long have you been standing there?
Dan
Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!
Dan
I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.
Dan
Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!
TTony
[on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.
BBuddy
[on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.
Dan
Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
[as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?
Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?
[Dan clears his throat as he leaves Chris and Elise's house]
You're right. One of us should probably stay.
How hard is it to turn off a TV?
BSBuddy Star
[on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
DDirector
[appears outside] What are you still doing here?
Dan
[throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.
DDirector
Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.
Dan
Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?
DDirector
Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.
Dan
Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]
DDirector
Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk. [Dan hits the director with a pillow]
[Dan is making a recipe]
KKelly
I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?
Dan
If you must know, a bomb.
KKelly
Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?
Dan
Nitroglycerin.
KKelly
I don't think I've ever tried that one.
Dan
And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]
KKelly
Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
Dan
What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?
KKelly
Yeah, pretty lame, huh?
Dan
[gives Kelly a rose] Here ya go. Ah, the sweet stench of victory!
BBuddy
You won, big deal? We'll just have to keep reshooting it until you lose. Thanks for wasting everyone's time! [Buddy's phone rings] One sec. Uh huh. Uh huh. You too. That was the president of the network. He just canceled the show. Apparently the ratings were terrible. The only thing with less viewers was some Opera Documentary on Public Access.
Dan
Guess there won't be a reshoot after all.
BBuddy
I've never had a show cancelled before! Never!
Dan
Wanted to ruin a reality show, check. Wanted to ruin Buddy Star's life, check. Guess the only thing left to do is go to Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
JJack
So, how about I take you on a real date sometime?
KKelly
Dude, I'm married. [leaves]
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
