Dan quotes from Dan Vs.

Dan

It's just like I imagined. [he heads inside Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp] Hey, what is this?

Everyone, meet Dan. He's our last contestant on "They Told Me It Was Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But Instead I'm Trapped in a Steal Shipping Counter with a Ravenous Pack on Coyotes!"

Dan

[finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?

There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?

Dan

I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?

We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.

I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.

Namaste.

Dan

Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!

Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!

Dan

Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug] PAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENTS!!!!!

Dan

[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!

Chris

[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.

Elise

At least we got all these great vegetables.

Dan

Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!

Elise

Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.

Dan

Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?

Chris

Woo-hoo!

Elise

OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.

Dan

What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?

Elise

It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.

Chris

Why do you know that?

Elise

Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--

Chris

[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?

Dan

That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.

Chris

Well, you should write him sometime.

Dan

Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-

Chris

Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.

Dan

[as he leaves the car] Baby!

Dan

[arrives at Toddler Todd's Tykeland while two little boys come close to him such as getting sprayed in the face and grossed out by a kid with boogers] Ah! Ahem! [he goes on stage while a little boy hugs his leg with another little boy following him as he gets ready to give attention to everyone] Ahem!!!! [he grunts as a little kid hits him with a floatable hammer and kicks the recorder off the table] May I have your attention please? [angrily] SHUT UP!!! [normal voice] I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested. For clown trafficking. [the baby cries much to Dan's yelling] Yeah. I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan. Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you. DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge. The 3 pillars of parenthood.

Hi, Dan.

Dan

Jean Goodhill. We met earlier in the park. I'm not sure I understand. Well, Jean- [Jean's baby continues crying] Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves. Oh do you now? Watch and learn. Ahem. [imitating baby noises to Jean's baby] WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!!

[pops out of the car's trunk] This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.

Chris

That was random.

Dan

Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit. You love this thing, right? [yells at Kale] BACK TO WORK! [Kale leaves] Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method. I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold. I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy. And I-

Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage?

Dan

Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.

I really hope you don't have kids. You'd make an awful parent.

Dan

What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world!

[shows up injured] Help me! I've been assaulted!

By who?

Him!

Dan

There's a simple explanation- [he runs off to Chris]

Chris

Hey, Dan, question for you-

Dan

No, it didn't go well in there. Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone. You have to lead by example. Chris, I've decided to become a father.

Chris

Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.

Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?

Dan

Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.

Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?

Dan

Hmm, what do you think, Chris?

I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.

Dan

No preference.

Just sign here and you're all set.

Chris

Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?

Dan

So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?

Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.

Dan

But I wanted to drive home a new child today.

I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.

Dan

What do you mean, "settle"?

This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.

Dan

It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?

[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.

Chris

[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.

Elise

What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.

Chris

You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.

Elise

Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.

Chris

Aah! [hangs up]

Dan

So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]

There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.

Dan

What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.

Dan, he'll never be yours.

Dan

Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.

It's not just that.

Dan

Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.

I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.

Dan

[angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.

Oh, I will.

Chris

So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]

Elise

I think we already do.

Chris

Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

Welcome to Gigundo-Mart. May I-may I- [coughs] May I see your membership card?

Dan

Nah. I'll just take a pat down.

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

Sorry, sir. We don't do pat downs. Members only.

Dan

Oh, in that case. [he runs inside Gigundo-Mart, only to be caught by the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

That's how we did it on San Juan hill.

Dan

I'll see myself out. San Juan Hill? Not my fault that guy had a bad vacation in Puerto Rico. [gasps as he saw Chris what he bought from Gigundo-Mart] Ah-ha! So the truth is revealed

Chris

Oh, hi Dan.

Dan

You're sleeping with the enemy.

Chris

I'm not sleeping with anyone. Plus, this isn't the enemy. It's just a store. They sell things. Things you might even want to buy. Lighter fluid, crow bars.

Dan

My crowbar is almost worn down to the nub. But I'm not gonna buy one here!

Chris

Right, you can't. They come in an 8 pack. Look, I like Gigundo-Mart's buck busting values on things I use every day. Help me with these raccoon traps?

Dan

I will not be an enabler. Either boycott this behemoth or this friendship is finito.

Chris

So it's your way or the highway?

Dan

Get this straight bulk-head: there is no highway! Just a lonely road with you on it!

Chris

My choco-dillas are melting. I'll see you later. [drives away]

Dan

You wish!

Dan

[heads inside Gigundo-Mart and makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk- [he ends up getting choked by the greeter]

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

[has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.

Dan

Shooting out or shooting in? [Gigundo-Mart Greeter angrily kicks him out and lands on the parking lot seeing the sign of Gigundo-Mart] You shut up!

Dan

[angrily] When I'm through, this place will be scorched earth!

Chris

What's not to like here? They sell everything you could possibly want.

Dan

[at Ninja Dave's Cookies] Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wally sitting down]

At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover for 50 cents.

Dan

What?!!

Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.

Dan

GIGUNDO-MAR- Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.

Well.

Dan

Well what?! You holding out on me?

There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.

Dan

Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]

Dan

I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.

We're not that close.

Dan

If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile. So we should probably set the timer for 30 seconds just to be safe.

[reading the sign] Oh, they're hiring.

Dan

So what?

Well, I do need a new job. I heard this place has great benefits.

Dan

What about the cookies? [angrily grabs Wally by the suit] Think of the cookies man!

I need to cut down on sugar anyway.

Dan

Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! [sees Elise walking by] Elise, what are you doing here?

Elise

Taking this place down. I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.

Dan

Pssh! What can you do that I can't? [Elise shrinks a car] Awesome! Gimme, gimme!

Elise

Mitts off, little man.

Dan

Gimme! [they engage in SR51 tug-of-war, Elise's phone rings]

Elise

Hello? Chris, calm down. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Can you do that?

Chris

[using his foot as a hand on his phone to talk to Elise, he is having withdrawal symptoms] NO! Must...go...shop... So cold...

Elise

Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.

Chris

Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey. Pickle relish by the drum... Six pack of lawn mowers... Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor's in.

Dan

Let me talk to him. Maybe I can help. [Elise hands Dan her phone to talk to Chris] Hey, Chris, buddy, havin' a hard time?

Chris

Uh-huh!

Dan

Good! That's what you get for letting me down!

Elise

Dan! [Dan gives Elise her phone back, gives the SR51 to Dan] Chris, hand in there and- [Dan runs off] Hey!

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

Membership Card? Halt!

Dan

[as he starts shrinking items] B-bye, bulk bargains.

Elise

Dan!

Dan

[gets scared and shrinks Elise] Wow.

Elise

Dan, you have dug your own grave.

Dan

Aawww, look at the itty-bitty Elise. Whose got the teeny tiny angry face? You do. Yes, youuuu. [Elise twists him and he traps her in a jar]

Elise

Dan! Turn me back right now!

Dan

I can't hear you! [puts the jar on the shelf] Stay there and be small and insignificant till I get back. [while the Gigundo-Mart Greeter seek revenge, Dan looks himself at the TVs] Huh, Chris is right, I do need a moisturizer. [he shrinks one TV and finds more to shrink but the Gigundo-Mart Greeter hits him by the flat stretcher leaving him wet] Hey! Whoaaaah!

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

You've breached our perimeter for the last time, sonny!

Dan

Back away, old man! And nobody gets shrunk!

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

I'll never abandon my post. I'll defend Gigundo-Mart until the day I die. Or 'til my shift ends. [he throws an heavy object to Dan as Dan shrinks it, hitting Dan in the head]

Dan

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Elise

Note to self: make the SR51 lighter. [the Gigundo-Mart Greeter finds her] Uh-oh. [turns herself back to large] Ugh. That's better. [she shrinks the cheese spray large as it lands on the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]

Gigundo-Mart Greeter

Ugh. Okay, Guess I'll take my break now.

Elise

Dan!

Dan

Now, Elise. Aren't you always saying that revenge is a small minded solution? Or something stupid?

Elise

Get out of my way! [Dan leaves as she shrinks the nuts jar]

Hey! That's not a good price for such a tiny amount of food. This place is lousy.

Dan

[satisfied] Well, my work here is done.

Elise

Mine isn't. [she shrinks the Gigundo-Mart store]

You're listening to K-L-I-E, the Lie! The Lie! All conspiracy theories, all the time. Now, before we give you proof that Bigfoot is working for the Vatican, it's time to- [Chris picks Dan up as he turns off the radio and drives away with him]

Chris

Morning, Dan.

Dan

Shhh! That's right, we're honoring the 25th anniversary of the film, "Space Monkeys from Planet Space" by giving away another awesome prize!

Chris

Space Monkeys from Planet Space? That is the greatest movie of all time!

We're actually giving away the actual Space Monkey Death Ray Gun used by Captain Jack Tatterson.

Dan

The gun Captain Tatterson used to defeat the Blorg at the top of Mount Climax.

Chris

Sending all the monkeys into the green-screen abyss of planet space.

Alright, the Space Monkey Death Ray Gun will go to the 97th caller who can tell me the name of the Space Monkeys from Planet Space's Cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school.

William Henry Harrison!

Dan

I can't get through!

Chris

Hello?

Hi, you're on KLIE, The Lie! The Lie! Can you tell me the name of the cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school?

Dan

William Henry Harrison!

Chris

William Harry Henderson!

Uh-we'll take it!

Dan

[in his apartment with his rewards] And now for the piece de resistance.

Chris

[comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.

Dan

[takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.

Chris

YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.

Dan

You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!

Chris

I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.

Dan

Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]

Chris

Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]

Dan

Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!

Chris

Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.

Dan

You wouldn't!

Chris

You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]

Dan

DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!

Dan

Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.

Elise

What are you doing?!

Dan

Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.

Chris

[angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?

Elise

All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?

Dan

I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!

Chris

Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.

Elise

I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.

Dan

As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]