Dan[dressed up like a Scottish Golfer, Scottish Accent] I don't see no wedge, mate. Nothing in here but golf clubs. [phone rings] Aye aye? This be him. No, I already get long distance service. Yes, I'll hear you out.
Dan
[Scottish Accent] Aye, sir.
Dan
[Scottish Accent] What did ye say? Nay, I will not accept a bribe from ye!
Dan
[Scottish Accent] This hooligan tried to pay me to raise his score.
You mean lower his score?
Dan
[Scottish Accent] Um, sure.
Dan
[Scottish Accent] I completely agree.
Why would you pay your caddy to lower your score? He should do it for free.
Dan
What? That's cheating!
Dan
[Scottish Accent] Who's Dan? I'm Scotty the Scot.
Dan
[takes off hat and sunglasses, normal voice] Not until you quit playing golf forever!
Chris, what is your impertinent friend doing here?
Dan
Stay out of this, fancy pants! This is between me and Chris!
And security! [two security guards use binoculars, Mr. Bainbridge points at Dan]
Dan
You'll never take me alive!
OK, Dan. I never thought I'd say this, but you were right. We need to break Chris of his golf habit. [Dan mumbles] What do you mean, "eh?"
Dan
I mean a few hours ago I would have agreed with you. But now, I see golf for what it really is. Massages, jaccuzzis, and my new friend, Prescott Richman IV.
You really think some rich slob can replace Chris?
Dan
Can and has. [walks away]
So Dan, this is our new gym. What do you think?
Dan
I think there's a whole room full of people on bicycles going nowhere!
They're called stationary bikes.
It's to get your heart rate up.
Dan
That sounds dangerously irresponsible! I'm leaving. [he tries to leave but Chris grabs him] Get your sticky paws off me!
Give the gym a chance. You said just yesterday you've been feeling fat.
Dan
That was said in confidence!
[Dan is hanging out with Hortence and her friends]
This is the best bridal shower ever, you guys.
RGRed Girl
You are going to make such a beautiful bride.
BGBlonde Girl
I love the china pattern you picked out. Don't you Dan?
Dan
Huh? Oh, sure. China pattern. Hortence, have you really thought about what you're doing?
Dan
I mean, there's such a big age difference between you two. Have you read the statistics about these things working out?
Dan
Or the statistical probability that someone who eats burgers for every meal is going to make it past 50?
Jeremiah's as healthy as a horse.
Dan
And why is he marrying someone so much younger, anyway? I think he's hiding something. Maybe you should call off the wedding until you figure out what it is. Just sayin'.
RGRed Girl
Oh, he's doing a roast! [laughs] How funny!
Oh! Okay. For a second there, I thought you were being really mean for no reason.
Dan
I was just pointing out-
BGBlonde Girl
You know what we should do? Give Dan a makeover!
Dan
What? No.
Dan
[voiceover] I DON'T WANT A MAKEOVER!
Dan
[after his face is covered with makeup by Hortence and the girls] You laugh, I attack.
[laughs] So, how was the bridal shower? [Dan punches him] Stop it! You're getting your makeup on me!
Dan
It's not my makeup! This was done against my will!
It's a good look for you.
Dan
Not one more word. They rouged me, Chris. I have been rouged! This is war.
And hey, you've already got your war paint. [Dan punches him]
[Dan and Chris are at Hortence's wedding]
Oh yes, thank you. [eats the shrimp puffs]
Dan
There's no time for that!
There's always time for shrimp puffs.
Dan
I need you to tell the Best Man there's a telephone call for him.
Mine. Sir, there's a telephone call for you.
Hurry back, we're all waiting to hear your Best Man toast.
[to a lady who walks up to him] Get your own!
[Dan captures a man as he covers him with a bag and puts him in the closet punching him]
Dan
Hortence, I need to talk to you. [using the microphone] Actually, I need to talk to all of you. I may not be the Best Man, but I'm the only man for this job.
Hello Dan, nice to see you! I heard you were going to be in our wedding!
Dan
You sir are a fraud!
[everyone gasps]
Dan! We're NOT making a scene, remember? We're leaving. As soon as I'm done with these canapes.
[Dan walks up to Hortence]
Dan
I'm sorry, Hortence, but you can't marry Jeremiah Burger. He's been lying to you.
I most certainly have not!
Dan
He has, and I have proof. [shows Hortence and Jeremiah a picture] Ladies and gentlemen of the wedding, Jeremiah Burger has been married, not once, not twice, but 6 times! So, come on. You can cry on my shoulder in the car.
Did you think I didn't know that!
Dan
Uh, what?
I've met all of his exes. We're friends. That's them right there! [pan to Jeremiah's exes]
Dan
Oh.
This really is unacceptable behavior. Especially from a bridesmaid.
[Dan gets kicked out by 2 men from the wedding]
Dan
Sheesh. Try to help someone out, and this is the thanks you get.
[comes over] I have never been so humiliated in all my life! You ruined my rehearsal dinner! I thought you were my friend.
Dan
Hortence, I just need to tell you something before you go through with this. I know you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I I--
[angrily] I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAAAAIN!
Dan
That's not how I feel about you!
[Dan gets ready to meet with Miss O'Houlihan]
Dan
What are you selling?
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I'm not a saleswoman, I'm your neighbor and just now I came home to find my cat Poopsie stalling. [whines and freaks out]
Dan
I'm very sorry to hear that. Mrs.
OHMiss O'Houlihan
Miss O'Houlihan. Honey O'Houlihan. Nice to meet you.
Dan
I'm Dan. In speaking of me, why are you telling me this?
OHMiss O'Houlihan
I've seen you around the neighborhood with your cat. Did you understand each other like no human and feline I've ever seen. [feels Mr. Mumbles] I'm begging for your help. I've got nowhere else to turn. See?
[finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?
Dan
Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!
Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-
Dan
By a dinosaur.
Dan
I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.
You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?
Dan
Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.
I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.
Dan
Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.
I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.
Dan
This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?
BBen
I mean, I've avoided them up to now.
Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.
Dan
Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.
[Ben gets inside Chris' car]
I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.
Dan
Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.
Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"
Dan
Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?
It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?
Dan
This is your "must-see" television show?
Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.
Dan
I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.
What are you doing here, Dan?
Dan
What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.
Oh, he's not just watching it.
He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!
Dan
There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?
Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.
Dan
I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!
It's not an epidemic, Dan.
Dan
Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.
Dan
Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!
Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.
Dan
But.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.
Dan
Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.
Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-
AOAnnouncer on TV
We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.
Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!
With clogged arteries for the contestants.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.
Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.
MMan
Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?
Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?
MMan
I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-
I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.
MMan
I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!
Dan
I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.
I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]
Dan
Gross!
You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.
[Dan and Chris head inside the Action Center for Action]
Dan
I demand to see the Governor.
BFAgent Bro-face
Whizza-what?
Dan
The Governor!
BFAgent Bro-face
Happy-pologies, scuba tank. No doma. Yerba mat-tay.
Dan
This is going nowhere. I think physical violence is our only recourse.
[Dan angrily grabs the Agent Bro-face's shirt]
BFAgent Bro-face
Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces!
Dan
[angrily] I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR!
Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]
Dan
Finally.
Dan
What are you doing?
I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?
So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?
Dan
That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.
I don't think he's legally-
Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.
Dan
Thank you. First of all-
Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.
Dan
[yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!
BFAgent Bro-face
Like I can read.
Dan
That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.
[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor of California]
Dan
Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.
[Dan and Chris are sitting together at a diner]
I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries. Hey, when it gets here, time me!
Dan
[furious] Ugh! For the last time, no!
An athlete needs a support network, Dan. Don't you want to me my athletic supporter?
Dan
Don’t make this weird!
I need to find out if I have what it takes. I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.
[the Governor of California heads to the diner]
Dan
There he is!
[Dan and Chris walk up to the Governor of California]
And that's why, back on the farm, they used to-
Dan
So, Governor, we meet again.
Dan
We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.
Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.
Dan
Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.
Dan
So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.
I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.
Dan
Second, we can't cut education any further. We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.
Good. Science is for nerds. And hypocrites.
Dan
What?
Scientists. You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy?
Dan
Uh no. What?!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.
Dan
Are you kidding me?!
Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son. I saw the first 5. Or maybe I saw one of 'em 5 times. [laughs] I'm not sure!
Dan
You are part of the problem!
Dan
I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better!
You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA!
GCGovernor of California and Chris
USA! USA! USA! USA!
[Dan and Chris are in the storage room]
Dan
There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.
I'm just seeing a lot of video games. Most of which I own.
Dan
Ah, ha! [picks up the fire ant farm] New plan. We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber. Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon?
[picks up a mini-fryer] A mini-fryer!
Dan
A what?
It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.
Dan
Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
