Camp Camp quotes

David

Can you believe it, Max? We're getting not one, not three, but two new campers today!

Max

Yup. It's really, truly horrifying.

David

Horrifying? What, are you afraid of making a few new friends?

Max

I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favour when they hit seventy?

David

Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?

Max

Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp... Definitely not that.

David

Heeeeyy... language.

Max

Suck a di-

David

All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper. Is that really too much to ask?

Max

I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.

Gwen

Oh, God, it's coming back: The crippling anxiety and regret. [curled up on the ground] Why did I get a liberal arts degree?!

David

Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Max

Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three. Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.

Nikki

Woohoo! This is gonna be awesome!

Gwen

This is gonna be awful.

David

Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!

Max

[after setting off an elaborate trap, sending the Larry the camp hamster flying off in the distance; to David] Aw, man. That was supposed to kill you.

David

Alrighty, kids! Today we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!

Max

Woah, woah! Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here!

David

Well, Max, we were going to make handmade ice cream, but someone killed our mascot, and now we need a new one, because every good camp, has a mascot, Max! Also, Gwen is feeling- under the weather. And this is one of the few activities that I can do without her! Uh- Space Kid, don't eat that, it's not space food!

Neil

"Under the weather"?

David

Those are just rocks!

Nikki

Lady sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.

Neil

How do you cure it?

Nikki

Edge closer to death.

Muack!

Gwen

What the hell's going on?!

David

We're- finding a mascot?

Gwen

Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated?

David

Well, I think this is all pretty normal.

Gwen

I need more Mydol.

David

Alright, well! Seeing as I just accidentally stepped on the caterpillar and a tin can would be ridiculous, I guess the platypus is our new mascot!

Muack.

Max

You know... Maybe I don't hate Camp Campbell. Maybe I hate everything.

Neil

If we were in charge, things would be so much better. No scrubbing, no outdoors...

Max

No David.

Neil

We should just revolt!

Max

You know what? You're right! Aren't you all sick of this lowly work? It's time we take control of our lives and fight back! Who's with me?!

YEAH!

David

I'm just so excited!

Gwen

Yeah. You keep saying that.

David

Well, because it's true. The Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow! Maybe he'll give us the raise. Or tell me I'm like the son he never had!

Gwen

Or explain why he's wanted by the government.

David

Or, yeah, that. There's that.

Gwen

I don't know. I feel bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.

David

Don't worry. Once we tell them about the ice cream pizza party, I'm sure they'll see it was all worth it!

Quartermaster

WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN'!

David

Max, I am very disappointed in you! But also torn, because you were clearly paying attention in knot-tying class!

Cameron Campbell

The old taking over the camp from the counselors and tying them to the flagpole routine. I remember my first time. [goes inside the mess hall, taking a stack of bills from the safe, then comes back outside]

Max

Hey, Cam? Can't you see this guy is a terrible counselor and he needs to be dealt with?

Cameron Campbell

Huh? Oh, sorry kids, I've got other things to deal with. Campbell's got a poker game to get to! I'm not gonna give too many details, but let's just say if I win, I could end up being the Prime Minister of Thailand.

Neil

But our revolution!

Max

This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We're the 99%! I saw it on TV!

Cameron Campbell

Ah, you kids and your dreams! So full of hope and ignorance. Someday you'll learn that no matter how righteous you think your cause is, there's always someone bigger to keep you down! And that day is today and that someone is me.

AAAHHH!!!!

Max

It's a stuffed bear!

Neil

Oh.

AAAHHH!

Max

It's a second stuffed bear!

Neil

Oh.

Nikki

That seems redundant.

Max

Yeah, and I think endangered.

You in charge here?

David

Uh, kinda?

Hmm. What's the deal here? Why do you got nerd kid in your theatre camp?

Are you guys running some kind of camp scam?

David

[gets up off the floor] Oh, no, sirs! Nothing morally grey going on here!

Fair enough. Since we have you here, have you seen this man? [shows a picture of Cameron Campbell burning papers in a dumpster fire]

David

Oh, uh, I've been told to tell you no.

I can't argue with that.

Let's get outta here. [he and Agent #1 leave in their car and drive away offscreen]

Preston

I don't know who this BITCH is, but she is KILLING IT! AH!

Preston

The theater! The cruelest mistress of all! My career, like the mistakes of so many teenage girls, has been aborted.

[to Max] Don't come back. [to Nikki] Come back when you're eighteen.

Max

I... was not prepared for that.