Alrighty, kids! Today we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!
Woah, woah! Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here!
Well, Max, we were going to make handmade ice cream, but someone killed our mascot, and now we need a new one, because every good camp, has a mascot, Max! Also, Gwen is feeling- under the weather. And this is one of the few activities that I can do without her! Uh- Space Kid, don't eat that, it's not space food!
Neil"Under the weather"?
Lady sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.
Neil
How do you cure it?
Neil
If we were in charge, things would be so much better. No scrubbing, no outdoors...
Neil
We should just revolt!
You know what? You're right! Aren't you all sick of this lowly work? It's time we take control of our lives and fight back! Who's with me?!
[Cut to David and Gwen approaching the mess hall from outside]
Yeah. You keep saying that.
Well, because it's true. The Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow! Maybe he'll give us the raise. Or tell me I'm like the son he never had!
Or explain why he's wanted by the government.
Or, yeah, that. There's that.
I don't know. I feel bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.
Don't worry. Once we tell them about the ice cream pizza party, I'm sure they'll see it was all worth it!
[David and Gwen enter the mess hall, only to see Max grinning back at them while campers run amok; the Quartermaster has been tied up in a chair]
WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN'!
[Cameron Campbell shows up at camp, hitting the flagpole David and Gwen are tied to with his Hummer H2; he sees the campers in rebellion and laughs]
The old taking over the camp from the counselors and tying them to the flagpole routine. I remember my first time. [goes inside the mess hall, taking a stack of bills from the safe, then comes back outside]
Hey, Cam? Can't you see this guy is a terrible counselor and he needs to be dealt with?
Huh? Oh, sorry kids, I've got other things to deal with. Campbell's got a poker game to get to! I'm not gonna give too many details, but let's just say if I win, I could end up being the Prime Minister of Thailand.
Neil
But our revolution!
This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We're the 99%! I saw it on TV!
Ah, you kids and your dreams! So full of hope and ignorance. Someday you'll learn that no matter how righteous you think your cause is, there's always someone bigger to keep you down! And that day is today and that someone is me.
[Max shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]
Neil
Oh.
[Neil shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]
It's a second stuffed bear!
Neil
Oh.
Yeah, and I think endangered.
Oh, Jesus Christ- campers, we are winning this fucking trophy!
Neil
How the hell do we do that?
By overcoming our differences and working t-
NO! Shut up! You are not going to work together!
No! You're all terrible at it! But! We've got something they don't.
We've got the most bizarre collection of campers with niche talents and ridiculously specific skillsets Lake Lillac has ever seen! And subpar indoor plumbing.
So, let me get this straight: Your name is Jeremy Fartz?
JJermy
I wish. It's actually JERMY Fartz. It's a family name. But both of my friends call me Big Nips.
Neil
Why do they call you Big Nips?
JJermy
Oh! Well, you see....
[Jermy then shows his hideous stomach to the campers horrifying them but Nikki, who was enthusiastic]
What's so great? [excitedly] WHAT'S SO GREAT!? [starts singing] I can't believe the time is here, To deck the halls and spread some cheer! It is my favorite season, Though I can't place the reason, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Okay, you just kinda stated stuff we already knew.
Neil
Yeah, we get that you like Christmas, but what is it about Christmas that you like?
Ho ho! I'll tell you! [singing] We'll wrap our presents good and tight, And shower Christmas trees with lights! Oh, yuletide carols we shall sing, Though I'm not sure what "yuletide" means, But Christmas is my favorite silent night!
Neil
[singing] So, you're about the decorations, Hanging everywhere?
Neil
[singing] The couples under mistletoe, And snowflakes in the air?
Neil
[singing] The Christmas morning presents, That you open with excitement and delight! So am I right?
Neil
WHAT!?
[singing] I love the bells on Santa's sleigh. And all the reindeer games to pla-a-ay!
[singing] Get to the point before I vomit.
[singing] I can't just put my finger on it, But Christmas is my favorite holiday! I know my reasoning's unclear, But I'm still smiling ear to ear! Call me "Saint Nik", 'Cause I'll keep giving. So long as I can keep reliving! Christmas is my favorite time, Dont' ask about reason or rhyme, Just know that it is my favorite time of yeeeeeaaaar! [song ends]
So what you're saying is, you have no idea.
[Nikki is awaiting for her boat and herself to be on fire as a flaming arrow shot by Nurf misses her and goes into the water, much to her impatience]
This is harder than it looks!
[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?
Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!
Neil
Dude!
[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?
[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.
[Neil ends up taking cover beside Nikki and Max; he looks at the gallon of milk he's holding (for some reason)]
Neil
What am I supposed to do with a gallon of milk?
Drink it all for a devastating projectile attack!
[clearly not interested] We're all counting on you, Neil.
[Preston is bombarded with so many requests from the campers, he faints, falls through the floor and ends up falling in mid-air. Once he nearly hits the ground, he awakens to find himself inside the mess hall and sees an older version of himself and the campers.]
[loses his balls] Oopsie doodle dangle! My balls! [the old crowd laughs]
Your future... [takes off his hood] Preston.
No! My future is on Broadway! Or the dazzling world of audiobooks!
No. You're doomed to be the king of low brow memes.
No, NO! I challenge people's head brains!
[disgustingly blows his nose on $100 bills] The uterus of time has a way of changing a person.
I'm not you! I don't want this!
[barely laughs] I am you! And you are me! We're sellouts! Nothing more!
[As he laughs, all the old campers turn their heads to laugh at Preston, who screams in terror. Preston then wakes up, revealing the whole thing he went through was a nightmare. He sees the other campers standing inside Dolph's tent.]
Neil
He's awake!
No one's going to end up a failure in life!
Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.
Neil
I fucking knew it!
Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.
Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.
So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.
Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.
Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.
Neil
Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?
[Every camper except Max raises their hands; the others drop their boxes into the fire]
I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.
Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?
Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!
Camp Camp · 71 quotes
