[singing] I hope this won’t sound impolite, Or come across as too forthright, But even though you seem alright, I... think I’m better than you! [song becomes more upbeat] Now please do keep this thought in mind, That’s just my personal conviction, You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind, I’d call our friendship an addiction, Your shoes are shined, your breath dulce, But still I find I have to say, I... Think I might be better than you!
DDaniel
[does a violin solo; singing] You seem impressed with what you’ve shown, But I don’t find it that compelling. You’ve sung my praise but not your own! And well, I think that’s pretty telling. But while we’re on the subject of, How I’m superb and leagues above, you, ought to know I’m number one. I know that might be hard to swallow...
CCampers
[singing] La La La La...
DDaniel
[singing] This hurts you just as much as me.
CCampers
[singing] Oooh Oooh Ooooh...
DDaniel
[singing] But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know, That you’re just a nobody~!
[singing] Well, friend, I don't know what to say!
DDaniel
[singing] Try starting with your resignation!
[singing] So let's end this in the finale!
DDaniel
[singing] I'm dying from anticipation!
[singing] You’re really great, but let me state, You denigrate and seem to hate, The fact I’ll break you, abdicate, Before I can asphyxiate, I... Think I might be better than you! Don’t hate me because it’s true!
DDaniel
[overlapping the singing with David] You've been outdone, Now I've really won, But it was fun, Your end's begun, and... Now I know I'm better than you! And I'll prove it to you, too!
[singing] Just know, I'm better than.....
DDaniel
[singing over David's last lyrics] So watch as I identify, The skill to show I qualify, Like keeping up this camp charade, And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid, To sacrifice them-- [song comes to an abrupt end; normal voice] Oh, wait-
[Cut to Daniel being driven away in an ambulance]
[Neil does a mad scientist laugh; Preston is standing there]
Yes, Neil! Love the passion! But feeling a little too on the nose. I need you to sell it to me without saying it to me! Let's do it again; but maybe try to bury your motivations with a- [Neil gets mad and strangles him] bit- more- subtext!
So, let me get this straight: Your name is Jeremy Fartz?
JJermy
I wish. It's actually JERMY Fartz. It's a family name. But both of my friends call me Big Nips.
Why do they call you Big Nips?
JJermy
Oh! Well, you see....
[Jermy then shows his hideous stomach to the campers horrifying them but Nikki, who was enthusiastic]
[In a flashback, Gwen sits inside the camp office watching TV, turning up the volume and thus not hearing the Woodscouts attacking outside]
Help! We're under attack! They're inside the camp! Anybody? Help!
Yeah. Make his ass take you to Costco.
Max, that is it! I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of try just a little bit to have fun?
David- [hands him the folder with Max's Camp Camp enrollment form]
Now let's all put on a happy face, go out there, and show everyone just how great you are at- [opens the folder] um-
[David stares at Max's enrollment form; apart from his name and age, his parents wrote nothing about him]
I told you. They didn't care. [leaves, fighting back tears] Just make something up so we can get this over with.
And now, for our final, and most important performance- [David and Gwen look at Campbell from behind the curtains, then at Max, who is sitting dejectedly in a corner] give it up for Davey, Gladys, aand- [sees nobody there, then Max's form on the floor] Uh- what the what? Oh, don't tell me I lost another kid! [surprised campers and parents stand up] Uh, that may have sounded incriminating, but- [flees offstage]
Why are we here? What about Campbell's big show?
You're right. It's stupid. You shouldn't have to pretend for anyone.
I'm sorry, Max. I try to always see the good in things. And I try to get others to see the same, but- pretending things are okay when they're not doesn't help anything. I'm sorry your parents don't care enough, Max. You have every right to be angry. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you can find that here at Camp. Even if it's not today.
Life sucks sometimes, but at least there's pizza.
You bastards! You goddamn bastards! Don't you know who I am? I am Cameron C. Campbell! I'm richer than all of you combined! I was the Prime Minister of Thailand for Christ's sake!
AMAgents Miller
Tell it to your cell mates in Super Guantanamo.
This is all your fault, Davey! I swear on my Minor League Baseball teams, you haven't heard the last of me...
So, yeah, that's our camp!
