Camp Camp · Season 4
FOOD FIGHT!
[Neil ends up taking cover beside Nikki and Max; he looks at the gallon of milk he's holding (for some reason)]
What am I supposed to do with a gallon of milk?
Drink it all for a devastating projectile attack!
[clearly not interested] We're all counting on you, Neil.
Aaaand the entire mess hall is already destroyed. Mr. Campbell, why didn't you stop them?
Hey, now. My community service doesn't start until 7 in the morning!
It is 8:45.
Weeelll, who's counting?
A federal judge. So get dressed, and start cleaning! Preferably in that order.
I can't deal with another 12 hours of hard labor!
It's the same work David and I do every day. You don't even have to do a good job! You just have to be a decent human being!
That's the hard part!
[points at Pikeman] You, Woodboy, build us a shelter.
These are not the right conditions for a proper--
NOW!!!!!
[runs off to gather wood] Aah!
[Preston is bombarded with so many requests from the campers, he faints, falls through the floor and ends up falling in mid-air. Once he nearly hits the ground, he awakens to find himself inside the mess hall and sees an older version of himself and the campers.]
[loses his balls] Oopsie doodle dangle! My balls! [the old crowd laughs]
What is this?
Your future... [takes off his hood] Preston.
No! My future is on Broadway! Or the dazzling world of audiobooks!
No. You're doomed to be the king of low brow memes.
No, NO! I challenge people's head brains!
[disgustingly blows his nose on $100 bills] The uterus of time has a way of changing a person.
I'm not you! I don't want this!
[barely laughs] I am you! And you are me! We're sellouts! Nothing more!
[As he laughs, all the old campers turn their heads to laugh at Preston, who screams in terror. Preston then wakes up, revealing the whole thing he went through was a nightmare. He sees the other campers standing inside Dolph's tent.]
He's awake!
[to Jermy] NO! GO AWAY! WE TOLD YOU WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE!
[walks up to Ered] If you're looking for something to do, wanna join me for some LARPing?
[looks up at the ramp where "Race" Kid is on] I mean... [looks back at Nerris, who is sweating for an answer] ...Sure? [Nerris gasps in excitement as the sweat is off her] It looks like there's nothing better to do. [The Butterfinger Effect hits her as she looks at Nerris, who has suddenly changed her outfit into a band player's] That's weird, when did you start playing an instrument?
I have no idea!
I'm sure your past self would've been thrilled to know he ended up as a camp counselor.
He sure would! [pulls out a note]
[in a handwritten note] One day I hope I end up as a camp counselor.
I am deeply upset that I didn't see that coming.
I was supposed to be an influential author with a smoking-hot husband and fat stacks of cash. Instead, my ass is stuck in a trash can, I have no idea who I am, and it's too late for me!
Nonsense, Gwen, you're just looking at it all wrong! Come on, I'll show you.
[Max leaves the camp office, but comes back moments later]
Ass stuck in a trash can.
Right.
No one's going to end up a failure in life!
Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.
I fucking knew it!
Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.
Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.
So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.
Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.
Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.
Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?
[Every camper except Max raises their hands; the others drop their boxes into the fire]
I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.
Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?
Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!
What are you-
Do you like us?!
That is a bold question to ask this early in the morning.
We're gonna leave our mark on this camp!
Figuratively, or literally?
With today's modern vernacular, there isn't a difference!
[David and Max watch the sun setting over Lake Lilac]
Nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow, or the day after that. It could be good, bad- total surprise. One day, you're at a summer camp you hate. The next, you don't want to leave. One day, everything is running smoothly. The next- boy. Max, this is Gwen's last summer at Camp Campbell.
What?
She got an offer she couldn't refuse.
Like- the Mob?
Like a job.
Right. Continue.
I could never have kept this place running without Gwen. Heck, I couldn't be here with you now if it wasn't for her. If I can't find someone new, if I can't do this on my own, there may not be a next summer after all.
So- what're you gonna do if things don't work out?
I don't know. But, whether they do or they don't, one of these days I'm going to close up Camp for the last time. So the more I can make of what I have today, the more I can walk away with when it's gone. That's all I want for you kids, Max. To have something to take with you.
[Something explodes downhill, from the direction of Camp]
Is that coming from-?
Obviously.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Camp Camp pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
