[Cameron Campbell shows up at camp, hitting the flagpole David and Gwen are tied to with his Hummer H2; he sees the campers in rebellion and laughs]
Cameron CampbellThe old taking over the camp from the counselors and tying them to the flagpole routine. I remember my first time. [goes inside the mess hall, taking a stack of bills from the safe, then comes back outside]
Hey, Cam? Can't you see this guy is a terrible counselor and he needs to be dealt with?
Cameron Campbell
Huh? Oh, sorry kids, I've got other things to deal with. Campbell's got a poker game to get to! I'm not gonna give too many details, but let's just say if I win, I could end up being the Prime Minister of Thailand.
This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We're the 99%! I saw it on TV!
Cameron Campbell
Ah, you kids and your dreams! So full of hope and ignorance. Someday you'll learn that no matter how righteous you think your cause is, there's always someone bigger to keep you down! And that day is today and that someone is me.
Max, that is it! I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of try just a little bit to have fun?
David- [hands him the folder with Max's Camp Camp enrollment form]
Now let's all put on a happy face, go out there, and show everyone just how great you are at- [opens the folder] um-
[David stares at Max's enrollment form; apart from his name and age, his parents wrote nothing about him]
I told you. They didn't care. [leaves, fighting back tears] Just make something up so we can get this over with.
Cameron Campbell
And now, for our final, and most important performance- [David and Gwen look at Campbell from behind the curtains, then at Max, who is sitting dejectedly in a corner] give it up for Davey, Gladys, aand- [sees nobody there, then Max's form on the floor] Uh- what the what? Oh, don't tell me I lost another kid! [surprised campers and parents stand up] Uh, that may have sounded incriminating, but- [flees offstage]
Cameron Campbell
You bastards! You goddamn bastards! Don't you know who I am? I am Cameron C. Campbell! I'm richer than all of you combined! I was the Prime Minister of Thailand for Christ's sake!
AMAgents Miller
Tell it to your cell mates in Super Guantanamo.
Cameron Campbell
This is all your fault, Davey! I swear on my Minor League Baseball teams, you haven't heard the last of me...
So, yeah, that's our camp!
I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything. But your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid.
Cameron Campbell
Just a KID!?!? Kids are DIABOLICAL MONSTRONSITIES that drive you to THE BRINK OF INSANITY! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids, over ME.
But that's... that's the job. You really don't get that, do you?
David, seriously!? You actually feel sorry for this piece of shit!? This doesn't piss you off!?
[to Max] I'm not p'd off, Max. [to Cameron Campbell] I'm just...
Cameron Campbell
[gasps] Don't say it!
Cameron Campbell
NOOOOOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO! [rips off his uniform and runs off into the wilderness screaming]
Wow. That is the fastest I've ever seen this place break a new kid.
Camp Corp. Accounting, Gwen speaking!
Yeah, sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks you'd be working in the mail room.
You little shit! I'm better th- Wait. Campbell, as in-?
Yeah, it's a long story, but the punchline is that we're getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help.
I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen, so if you don't want to get involved-
FUCK THIS JOB! [other office staff come out of their cubicles to look] I mean- whaa? [quietly] Fuck this job! They don't need me! There's nothing to do! I get paid to just sit around and wait!
Cameron Campbell
Hey, now, that is a hard job to land.
Gwen, really, are you sure about this?
[Gwen pauses, looking at the #2 Counselor mug on her desk]
You're goddamn right I am. What do you need me to do?
Aaaand the entire mess hall is already destroyed. Mr. Campbell, why didn't you stop them?
Cameron Campbell
Hey, now. My community service doesn't start until 7 in the morning!
Campbell
Weeelll, who's counting?
A federal judge. So get dressed, and start cleaning! Preferably in that order.
Campbell
I can't deal with another 12 hours of hard labor!
It's the same work David and I do every day. You don't even have to do a good job! You just have to be a decent human being!
Campbell
That's the hard part!
No one's going to end up a failure in life!
Campbell
Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.
Campbell
Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.
Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.
So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.
Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.
Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.
Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?
[Every camper except Max raises their hands; the others drop their boxes into the fire]
Campbell
I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.
Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?
Campbell
Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!
Camp Camp · 71 quotes
