Max quotes from Camp Camp

Can you believe it, Max? We're getting not one, not three, but two new campers today!

Max

Yup. It's really, truly horrifying.

Horrifying? What, are you afraid of making a few new friends?

Max

I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favour when they hit seventy?

Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?

Max

Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp... Definitely not that.

Heeeeyy... language.

Max

Suck a di-

All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper. Is that really too much to ask?

Max

I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.

S1 E1 Escape from Camp Campbell

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Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Max

Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three. Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.

Woohoo! This is gonna be awesome!

This is gonna be awful.

Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!

S1 E1 Escape from Camp Campbell

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Alrighty, kids! Today we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!

Max

Woah, woah! Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here!

Well, Max, we were going to make handmade ice cream, but someone killed our mascot, and now we need a new one, because every good camp, has a mascot, Max! Also, Gwen is feeling- under the weather. And this is one of the few activities that I can do without her! Uh- Space Kid, don't eat that, it's not space food!

"Under the weather"?

Those are just rocks!

Lady sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.

How do you cure it?

Edge closer to death.

S1 E2 Mascot

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If we were in charge, things would be so much better. No scrubbing, no outdoors...

Max

No David.

We should just revolt!

Max

You know what? You're right! Aren't you all sick of this lowly work? It's time we take control of our lives and fight back! Who's with me?!

CCampers

YEAH!

[Cut to David and Gwen approaching the mess hall from outside]

I'm just so excited!

Yeah. You keep saying that.

Well, because it's true. The Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow! Maybe he'll give us the raise. Or tell me I'm like the son he never had!

Or explain why he's wanted by the government.

Or, yeah, that. There's that.

I don't know. I feel bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.

Don't worry. Once we tell them about the ice cream pizza party, I'm sure they'll see it was all worth it!

[David and Gwen enter the mess hall, only to see Max grinning back at them while campers run amok; the Quartermaster has been tied up in a chair]

Quartermaster

WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN'!

S1 E4 Camp Cool Kidz

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[Cameron Campbell shows up at camp, hitting the flagpole David and Gwen are tied to with his Hummer H2; he sees the campers in rebellion and laughs]

Cameron Campbell

The old taking over the camp from the counselors and tying them to the flagpole routine. I remember my first time. [goes inside the mess hall, taking a stack of bills from the safe, then comes back outside]

Max

Hey, Cam? Can't you see this guy is a terrible counselor and he needs to be dealt with?

Cameron Campbell

Huh? Oh, sorry kids, I've got other things to deal with. Campbell's got a poker game to get to! I'm not gonna give too many details, but let's just say if I win, I could end up being the Prime Minister of Thailand.

But our revolution!

Max

This is serious! We're leading a charge to make a difference! We're the 99%! I saw it on TV!

Cameron Campbell

Ah, you kids and your dreams! So full of hope and ignorance. Someday you'll learn that no matter how righteous you think your cause is, there's always someone bigger to keep you down! And that day is today and that someone is me.

S1 E4 Camp Cool Kidz

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[Max shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]

NNNeil, Nikki

AAAHHH!!!!

Max

It's a stuffed bear!

Oh.

[Neil shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]

NNNeil, Nikki

AAAHHH!

Max

It's a second stuffed bear!

Oh.

That seems redundant.

Max

Yeah, and I think endangered.

S1 E5 Journey to Spooky Island

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[A bouncer of strip club, Muffin Tops, throws out Max and Nikki because the latter two thought it was a bakery.]

BBouncer

[to Max] Don't come back. [to Nikki] Come back when you're eighteen.

Max

I... was not prepared for that.

S1 E8 Into Town

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Alrighty, Nurf, it's high time we whipped you into shape!... Uh... sonny! Now I'll be taking that pocket knife.

[David holds out his left hand and motions for Nurf to give the knife to him, but Nurf just stabs David's palm. Smash cut to David hilariously bawling his eyes out in pain as Max watches and Gwen wraps up David's palm.]

Max

You're pathetic.

And getting blood on my boots.

S1 E9 David Gets Hard

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Max

David, what the hell? No one told us about this!

We've literally been telling you about it every day for weeks.