David quotes from Camp Camp

David

Max, I am very disappointed in you! But also torn, because you were clearly paying attention in knot-tying class!

David

I just don't get it. I loved summer camp as a kid. What changed?

David

Can you believe it, Max? We're getting not one, not three, but two new campers today!

Max

Yup. It's really, truly horrifying.

David

Horrifying? What, are you afraid of making a few new friends?

Max

I'm not here to make friends, David. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favour when they hit seventy?

David

Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?

Max

Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp... Definitely not that.

David

Heeeeyy... language.

Max

Suck a di-

David

All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Campbell camper. Is that really too much to ask?

Max

I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.

David

Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Max

Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three. Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.

Nikki

Woohoo! This is gonna be awesome!

Gwen

This is gonna be awful.

David

Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!

David

Alrighty, kids! Today we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!

Max

Woah, woah! Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here!

David

Well, Max, we were going to make handmade ice cream, but someone killed our mascot, and now we need a new one, because every good camp, has a mascot, Max! Also, Gwen is feeling- under the weather. And this is one of the few activities that I can do without her! Uh- Space Kid, don't eat that, it's not space food!

Neil

"Under the weather"?

David

Those are just rocks!

Nikki

Lady sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.

Neil

How do you cure it?

Nikki

Edge closer to death.

Muack!

Gwen

What the hell's going on?!

David

We're- finding a mascot?

Gwen

Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated?

David

Well, I think this is all pretty normal.

Gwen

I need more Mydol.

David

Alright, well! Seeing as I just accidentally stepped on the caterpillar and a tin can would be ridiculous, I guess the platypus is our new mascot!

Muack.

Neil

If we were in charge, things would be so much better. No scrubbing, no outdoors...

Max

No David.

Neil

We should just revolt!

Max

You know what? You're right! Aren't you all sick of this lowly work? It's time we take control of our lives and fight back! Who's with me?!

YEAH!

David

I'm just so excited!

Gwen

Yeah. You keep saying that.

David

Well, because it's true. The Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow! Maybe he'll give us the raise. Or tell me I'm like the son he never had!

Gwen

Or explain why he's wanted by the government.

David

Or, yeah, that. There's that.

Gwen

I don't know. I feel bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.

David

Don't worry. Once we tell them about the ice cream pizza party, I'm sure they'll see it was all worth it!

Quartermaster

WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN'!

You in charge here?

David

Uh, kinda?

Hmm. What's the deal here? Why do you got nerd kid in your theatre camp?

Are you guys running some kind of camp scam?

David

[gets up off the floor] Oh, no, sirs! Nothing morally grey going on here!

Fair enough. Since we have you here, have you seen this man? [shows a picture of Cameron Campbell burning papers in a dumpster fire]

David

Oh, uh, I've been told to tell you no.

I can't argue with that.

Let's get outta here. [he and Agent #1 leave in their car and drive away offscreen]

David

Alrighty, Nurf, it's high time we whipped you into shape!... Uh... sonny! Now I'll be taking that pocket knife.

Max

You're pathetic.

Gwen

And getting blood on my boots.

Gwen

Oh, Jesus Christ- campers, we are winning this fucking trophy!

Neil

How the hell do we do that?

David

By overcoming our differences and working t-

Gwen

NO! Shut up! You are not going to work together!

Harrison

We're not?

Gwen

No! You're all terrible at it! But! We've got something they don't.

Ered

Subpar indoor plumbing?

Gwen

We've got the most bizarre collection of campers with niche talents and ridiculously specific skillsets Lake Lillac has ever seen! And subpar indoor plumbing.

Max

Nobody gives a shit, David! Nobody wants to be here. God, it's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where everything's great! The universe doesn't work that way, idiot, just look around! It's what I've been trying to show you since day one! Life sucks, and we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes. Why don't you just get with the program, and stop giving a shit?

David

You're right.

Max

[surprised] What?

David

Times have changed. Whether I like it or not. The campers don't care. Gwen doesn't care. Even the founder of this place has better things to do. That's why I'll never stop trying. Because somebody fucking has to.

David

Say, Max- how'd you start a fire with all this wet wood, anyway?

Max

I used gasoline! I'm not an idiot!

Nikki

Woooooo! Do it again! Do it again!

David

[singing] I hope this won’t sound impolite, Or come across as too forthright, But even though you seem alright, I... think I’m better than you! [song becomes more upbeat] Now please do keep this thought in mind, That’s just my personal conviction, You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind, I’d call our friendship an addiction, Your shoes are shined, your breath dulce, But still I find I have to say, I... Think I might be better than you!

[does a violin solo; singing] You seem impressed with what you’ve shown, But I don’t find it that compelling. You’ve sung my praise but not your own! And well, I think that’s pretty telling. But while we’re on the subject of, How I’m superb and leagues above, you, ought to know I’m number one. I know that might be hard to swallow...

[singing] La La La La...

[singing] This hurts you just as much as me.

[singing] Oooh Oooh Ooooh...

[singing] But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know, That you’re just a nobody~!

David

[singing] Well, friend, I don't know what to say!

[singing] Try starting with your resignation!

David

[singing] So let's end this in the finale!

[singing] I'm dying from anticipation!

David

[singing] You’re really great, but let me state, You denigrate and seem to hate, The fact I’ll break you, abdicate, Before I can asphyxiate, I... Think I might be better than you! Don’t hate me because it’s true!

[overlapping the singing with David] You've been outdone, Now I've really won, But it was fun, Your end's begun, and... Now I know I'm better than you! And I'll prove it to you, too!

David

[singing] Just know, I'm better than.....

[singing over David's last lyrics] So watch as I identify, The skill to show I qualify, Like keeping up this camp charade, And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid, To sacrifice them-- [song comes to an abrupt end; normal voice] Oh, wait-

David

I want each of you to go out and find or make a gift that truly exemplifies your love and admiration for our hardworking groundskeeper!

Quartermaster

I have given you nothing to revere. I will betray you all when the opportunity arises.

David

Quartermaster, to try and show you just how much I care about you-

Quartermaster

You'll be first.

David

Height?

Space Kid

This many!

David

Weight?

Space Kid

...This many!

David

Blood type?

Space Kid

Red!

David

Gender?

Space Kid

Earthling!

David

Race?

Space Kid

WE HAVE TO BEAT THE SOVIETS!

David

That's the spirit!