TV show quotes
Alrighty, Nurf, it's high time we whipped you into shape!... Uh... sonny! Now I'll be taking that pocket knife.
[David holds out his left hand and motions for Nurf to give the knife to him, but Nurf just stabs David's palm. Smash cut to David hilariously bawling his eyes out in pain as Max watches and Gwen wraps up David's palm.]
You're pathetic.
And getting blood on my boots.
David, what the hell? No one told us about this!
We've literally been telling you about it every day for weeks.
Yeah, but we never listen to you guys. Put up flyers or something.
Oh, Jesus Christ- campers, we are winning this fucking trophy!
How the hell do we do that?
By overcoming our differences and working t-
NO! Shut up! You are not going to work together!
We're not?
No! You're all terrible at it! But! We've got something they don't.
Subpar indoor plumbing?
We've got the most bizarre collection of campers with niche talents and ridiculously specific skillsets Lake Lillac has ever seen! And subpar indoor plumbing.
I just don't get it. I loved summer camp as a kid. What changed?
Nobody gives a shit, David! Nobody wants to be here. God, it's like you live in this stupid make-believe world where everything's great! The universe doesn't work that way, idiot, just look around! It's what I've been trying to show you since day one! Life sucks, and we live in a world of desensitized, apathetic assholes. Why don't you just get with the program, and stop giving a shit?
[Feeling smug, Max goes to leave, but David speaks up]
You're right.
[surprised] What?
Times have changed. Whether I like it or not. The campers don't care. Gwen doesn't care. Even the founder of this place has better things to do. That's why I'll never stop trying. Because somebody fucking has to.
Say, Max- how'd you start a fire with all this wet wood, anyway?
I used gasoline! I'm not an idiot!
[The bonfire blows up]
Woooooo! Do it again! Do it again!
[singing] I hope this won’t sound impolite, Or come across as too forthright, But even though you seem alright, I... think I’m better than you! [song becomes more upbeat] Now please do keep this thought in mind, That’s just my personal conviction, You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind, I’d call our friendship an addiction, Your shoes are shined, your breath dulce, But still I find I have to say, I... Think I might be better than you!
[does a violin solo; singing] You seem impressed with what you’ve shown, But I don’t find it that compelling. You’ve sung my praise but not your own! And well, I think that’s pretty telling. But while we’re on the subject of, How I’m superb and leagues above, you, ought to know I’m number one. I know that might be hard to swallow...
[singing] La La La La...
[singing] This hurts you just as much as me.
[singing] Oooh Oooh Ooooh...
[singing] But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know, That you’re just a nobody~!
[singing] Well, friend, I don't know what to say!
[singing] Try starting with your resignation!
[singing] So let's end this in the finale!
[singing] I'm dying from anticipation!
[singing] You’re really great, but let me state, You denigrate and seem to hate, The fact I’ll break you, abdicate, Before I can asphyxiate, I... Think I might be better than you! Don’t hate me because it’s true!
[overlapping the singing with David] You've been outdone, Now I've really won, But it was fun, Your end's begun, and... Now I know I'm better than you! And I'll prove it to you, too!
[singing] Just know, I'm better than.....
[singing over David's last lyrics] So watch as I identify, The skill to show I qualify, Like keeping up this camp charade, And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid, To sacrifice them-- [song comes to an abrupt end; normal voice] Oh, wait-
[Cut to Daniel being driven away in an ambulance]
[Neil does a mad scientist laugh; Preston is standing there]
Yes, Neil! Love the passion! But feeling a little too on the nose. I need you to sell it to me without saying it to me! Let's do it again; but maybe try to bury your motivations with a- [Neil gets mad and strangles him] bit- more- subtext!
So, let me get this straight: Your name is Jeremy Fartz?
I wish. It's actually JERMY Fartz. It's a family name. But both of my friends call me Big Nips.
Why do they call you Big Nips?
Oh! Well, you see....
[Jermy then shows his hideous stomach to the campers horrifying them but Nikki, who was enthusiastic]
I want each of you to go out and find or make a gift that truly exemplifies your love and admiration for our hardworking groundskeeper!
I have given you nothing to revere. I will betray you all when the opportunity arises.
Quartermaster, to try and show you just how much I care about you-
You'll be first.
Hey, Gwen? I'm standing in ants. What should I do? Should I move? Should I move?
[In a flashback, Gwen sits inside the camp office watching TV, turning up the volume and thus not hearing the Woodscouts attacking outside]
Help! We're under attack! They're inside the camp! Anybody? Help!
Yeah. Make his ass take you to Costco.
Height?
This many!
Weight?
...This many!
Blood type?
Red!
Gender?
Earthling!
Race?
WE HAVE TO BEAT THE SOVIETS!
That's the spirit!
Now you girls are gonna sell Skinny Minties, Lemon Lillies and Coconut Cream Candy Tuffs until every last loser in Sleepy Peak has diabetes!
Damn it, Nikki! I told you to pull up!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Camp Camp pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
