[Nikki is still in the Flower Scouts' mud bath relaxing]
Nikki[obliviously uses some makeup on her face] I can't believe the Flower Scouts had Grade A warpaint just lying around. It doesn't smudge or anything! Must've borrowed it from the Woodscouts. [she grabs a mirror to look at herself, only to notice her face has grown beautiful eyelashes and her bandage is gone; gasps] I look... LIKE A FLOWER SCOUT! [looks up at a poster that reads "Dead Sea Mud; guaranteed to totally change you!". Seeing this, she looks at her nails, which the dead sea mud made them very long, shiny and pretty. She gasps again as she lifts her left foot up, to see she is somehow now in heels] OH, GOD, I'M A MONSTER! [whimpers as she looks at her new left heel]
Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.
Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three. Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.
Nikki
Woohoo! This is gonna be awesome!
Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!
Alrighty, kids! Today we'll be on the hunt for a brand-new mascot!
Woah, woah! Why you gotta put that shit on us? We don't work here!
Well, Max, we were going to make handmade ice cream, but someone killed our mascot, and now we need a new one, because every good camp, has a mascot, Max! Also, Gwen is feeling- under the weather. And this is one of the few activities that I can do without her! Uh- Space Kid, don't eat that, it's not space food!
Nikki
Lady sickness. My mom used to get that all the time.
Nikki
Edge closer to death.
[Max shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]
[Neil shines his flashlight on what appears to be a monster]
It's a second stuffed bear!
Nikki
That seems redundant.
Yeah, and I think endangered.
You bastards! You goddamn bastards! Don't you know who I am? I am Cameron C. Campbell! I'm richer than all of you combined! I was the Prime Minister of Thailand for Christ's sake!
AMAgents Miller
Tell it to your cell mates in Super Guantanamo.
This is all your fault, Davey! I swear on my Minor League Baseball teams, you haven't heard the last of me...
Nikki
So, yeah, that's our camp!
Nikki
What's so great? [excitedly] WHAT'S SO GREAT!? [starts singing] I can't believe the time is here, To deck the halls and spread some cheer! It is my favorite season, Though I can't place the reason, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Okay, you just kinda stated stuff we already knew.
Yeah, we get that you like Christmas, but what is it about Christmas that you like?
Nikki
Ho ho! I'll tell you! [singing] We'll wrap our presents good and tight, And shower Christmas trees with lights! Oh, yuletide carols we shall sing, Though I'm not sure what "yuletide" means, But Christmas is my favorite silent night!
[singing] So, you're about the decorations, Hanging everywhere?
[singing] The couples under mistletoe, And snowflakes in the air?
[singing] The Christmas morning presents, That you open with excitement and delight! So am I right?
Nikki
Not quite.
Nikki
[singing] I love the bells on Santa's sleigh. And all the reindeer games to pla-a-ay!
[singing] Get to the point before I vomit.
Nikki
[singing] I can't just put my finger on it, But Christmas is my favorite holiday! I know my reasoning's unclear, But I'm still smiling ear to ear! Call me "Saint Nik", 'Cause I'll keep giving. So long as I can keep reliving! Christmas is my favorite time, Dont' ask about reason or rhyme, Just know that it is my favorite time of yeeeeeaaaar! [song ends]
So what you're saying is, you have no idea.
Nikki
Yes!
[notices Nikki crying] Hey!... You... Don't... uh... tears?
Nikki
I AM DYING, MAX! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! THAT'S WHAT SELFISH MEANS! [silence]
Nikki
Wow. Sorry. I dunno what came over me. I guess this whole morbid experience has got me all emotional and moody.
[Nikki is awaiting for her boat and herself to be on fire as a flaming arrow shot by Nurf misses her and goes into the water, much to her impatience]
Nikki
Come on, hit me already!
This is harder than it looks!
[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?
Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!
[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?
Nikki
[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.
Nikki
FOOD FIGHT!
[Neil ends up taking cover beside Nikki and Max; he looks at the gallon of milk he's holding (for some reason)]
What am I supposed to do with a gallon of milk?
Nikki
Drink it all for a devastating projectile attack!
[clearly not interested] We're all counting on you, Neil.
No one's going to end up a failure in life!
Oh, kids. Of course you're going to fail! [The campers panic] For Christ's sake, will you stop screeching?! Failure is unavoidable. Like going to a baseball game and then remembering baseball is terrible! The fact of the matter is, most of you- like me- won't end up where you want to be in the future.
Will you stop?! [composes himself, continues thoughtfully] Here's the thing. You've got to take your failures, and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell, for instance. A lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the Camp realized it would never reach the end of its path until it was ready, or until it gave up! So, if the Camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.
Woah. I had no idea this camp had so many complex emotions.
So maybe there's no need to rush anything. Sorry, Gwen.
Yeah, well. I guess dusting off some of those writing samples could make for some good practice.
Nikki
Maybe the time capsules aren't scary commitments to the future, but are actually just proof of how we've grown since childhood.
Or maybe they're a waste of fucking energy. All in favor of striking this Camp activity from the roster forever?
[Every camper except Max raises their hands; the others drop their boxes into the fire]
I don't know what happened here today, David, but whatever it was, [drops the box he's holding in the fire] I'm glad I was here to be a part of it.
Did you just throw your treasury bonds in the fire?
Oh, my God, WHAT'VE I DONE?!
Camp Camp · 71 quotes
