Camp Camp Season 3 quotes

Max

No way. I already did something nice this week. My quota's filled.

Preston

You vile creature! One can never get soda off blue suede!

I wanted to give you a nice, memorable death, Max! But now you've given me no choice but to stab you. Like some commoner!

David

Max! [tackles Daniel]

Max

Don't move! I sorta know how to use this!

Don't shoot! It's me, David! Ha! You wish you were David! I'm David!

Max

Okay, I'm just gonna shoot you both.

David

You know it's me, Max! You have to know!

Max

You're overestimating this relationship! [fires the crossbow at a shelf of canned milk, hitting one of the cans; Daniel falls as he gets sprayed]

Oh, not dairy! Oh, God, it's getting in my mouth... [curls up as indigestion hits him]

Max

Daniel has a weird milk thing... I don't know, it was too boring to follow.

Neil

Do you- really wanna know?

Nikki

Yeah! It sounds cool! And flammable!

David

Don't start screaming into shoeboxes just yet, Gwen! We can raise enough money and save Camp Campbell! But the campers can't find out. If they knew how bad things were, they'd never trust us again! We'd look completely incompetent!

Gwen

We are completely incompetent!

Vera

Laugh all you want, American. But if we find nothing of value, we will burn camp to ground and leave no survivors!

Max

What do you guys even want here, anyway?

Vera

Cameron Campbell made great promises to all of our countries. Only to make weasel out of deals! [considers] Is that expression? "To make weasel"?

Vera

Ah, you are supposed to be American cosmonaut! How does it feel to have failing space program?

Space Kid

[beat] ...What the fuck did you just say to me?

Ha, FOOLS!

But-- He-- [checks his back and front pants pockets] I had the combination! Where'd it go!?

Nurf

You guys, I think Kimchi just won the scavenger hunt.

[in a pronounced Kentucky drawl] Shut up! I've had to suffer you morons all day just to get my prize! And now, finally, Kentucky has all the resources it needs, to secede from this godless country! And create a utopia where we can raise horses and fry chicken to our hearts' content! [flips everyone off] Long live the Colonel, assholes! [jumps through a window, and flies away as a helicopter shows up and drops down a rope ladder; singing] Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home...

Vera

We... we have failed!

The Great Leader will not be pleased. And I cannot face the labor camps!

[he, Vera and Hwan get out their Cyanide pill bottles] Bottoms up, comrades.

Tsk, tsk. This is no good.

Nikki

No good? That sounds bad!

I am afraid it is a case- of death.

Max

[notices Nikki crying] Hey!... You... Don't... uh... tears?

Nikki

I AM DYING, MAX! You just don't care because you're selfish, and you only ever care about yourself! THAT'S WHAT SELFISH MEANS! [silence]

Max

Woah.

Nikki

Wow. Sorry. I dunno what came over me. I guess this whole morbid experience has got me all emotional and moody.

Nikki

Come on, hit me already!

Nurf

This is harder than it looks!

Gwen

[offscreen] STOP!

David

[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?

Nurf

Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!

Neil

Dude!

Gwen

[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?

Nikki

[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.

[he and his husband lose signal of Cameron Campbell going undercover] Campbell? Damn. We lost the signal.

Do you wanna see how fast we can load our guns?

[happily] This is why I married you.

David

I tried to create the perfect day of camp for you and everything. But your only goal was to hurt me. Because of something I said when I was just a kid.

Cameron Campbell

Just a KID!?!? Kids are DIABOLICAL MONSTRONSITIES that drive you to THE BRINK OF INSANITY! After everything I've done for you, you chose a bunch of kids, over ME.

David

But that's... that's the job. You really don't get that, do you?

Max

David, seriously!? You actually feel sorry for this piece of shit!? This doesn't piss you off!?

David

[to Max] I'm not p'd off, Max. [to Cameron Campbell] I'm just...

Cameron Campbell

[gasps] Don't say it!

David

...Disappointed.

Cameron Campbell

NOOOOOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO! [rips off his uniform and runs off into the wilderness screaming]

Nurf

Wow. That is the fastest I've ever seen this place break a new kid.

Nerris

[notices a couple with one holding a sword] WHOA! Where are they going!?

David

[forces Nerris to move along] Nowhere! Probably some drug convention!

Find the silver ball. [as he shuffles the cups] Get an authentic Dolex watch!

Harrison

Heh. What an amateur. He doesn't even have a ball.

David

[grabs Harrison's arm and yanks him away] Harrison!

David, look! Zat baldman is handing out flyers with a picture of me!

David

[forces Dolph back to the group] Let's go this way.

Hello, sir. Would you like to help save the kids?

David

I'M TRYING! [the woman walks away]

[walks up to David] Hey, wanna have a good time?

Preston

[rhetorically answering] Sure! David loves having a good time!

David

[nervously laughs] No thanks.

[opens his trenchcoat to reveal flyers and brochures to the museum while his shirt reads "I ❤️ Trench Coats"] You sure? Kids get in free to the museum today! There's hot air balloon rides to the park, all kinds of fun activates for all ages!

David

Oh! Thank you!

Nurf

We're actually looking for some of our missing friends. About, yay high, real nerdy?

Hm... If I were to start somewhere, I'd go with downtown. That's why I got lost as a kid. Good luck! [David and the rest of the campers wave "bye" at him cheerfully; to himself, sadly] Ugh. Never did find my parents.