Gwen quotes from Camp Camp

Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, David. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got three. Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.

Nikki

Woohoo! This is gonna be awesome!

Gwen

This is gonna be awful.

Oh, come on Gwen! Look at the bright side! Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!

S1 E1 Escape from Camp Campbell

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[The Platypus has cornered David and the campers on the pier; Gwen shows up and grabs it by the tail]

PPlatypus

Muack!

Gwen

What the hell's going on?!

We're- finding a mascot?

Gwen

Why do you always have to make things weird and complicated?

Well, I think this is all pretty normal.

[The Quartermaster arrives on a throne carried by squirrels; Gwen drops the Platypus]

Gwen

I need more Mydol.

Alright, well! Seeing as I just accidentally stepped on the caterpillar and a tin can would be ridiculous, I guess the platypus is our new mascot!

PPlatypus

Muack.

S1 E2 Mascot

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If we were in charge, things would be so much better. No scrubbing, no outdoors...

No David.

We should just revolt!

You know what? You're right! Aren't you all sick of this lowly work? It's time we take control of our lives and fight back! Who's with me?!

CCampers

YEAH!

[Cut to David and Gwen approaching the mess hall from outside]

I'm just so excited!

Gwen

Yeah. You keep saying that.

Well, because it's true. The Cameron Campbell is coming tomorrow! Maybe he'll give us the raise. Or tell me I'm like the son he never had!

Gwen

Or explain why he's wanted by the government.

Or, yeah, that. There's that.

Gwen

I don't know. I feel bad making the campers work so hard just to impress that guy.

Don't worry. Once we tell them about the ice cream pizza party, I'm sure they'll see it was all worth it!

[David and Gwen enter the mess hall, only to see Max grinning back at them while campers run amok; the Quartermaster has been tied up in a chair]

Quartermaster

WE GOT OURSELVES AN UPRISIN'!

S1 E4 Camp Cool Kidz

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Alrighty, Nurf, it's high time we whipped you into shape!... Uh... sonny! Now I'll be taking that pocket knife.

[David holds out his left hand and motions for Nurf to give the knife to him, but Nurf just stabs David's palm. Smash cut to David hilariously bawling his eyes out in pain as Max watches and Gwen wraps up David's palm.]

You're pathetic.

Gwen

And getting blood on my boots.

S1 E9 David Gets Hard

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David, what the hell? No one told us about this!

Gwen

We've literally been telling you about it every day for weeks.

Yeah, but we never listen to you guys. Put up flyers or something.

S1 E11 Camporee

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Gwen

Oh, Jesus Christ- campers, we are winning this fucking trophy!

How the hell do we do that?

By overcoming our differences and working t-

Gwen

NO! Shut up! You are not going to work together!

Harrison

We're not?

Gwen

No! You're all terrible at it! But! We've got something they don't.

Ered

Subpar indoor plumbing?

Gwen

We've got the most bizarre collection of campers with niche talents and ridiculously specific skillsets Lake Lillac has ever seen! And subpar indoor plumbing.

S1 E11 Camporee

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[In a flashback, Gwen sits inside the camp office watching TV, turning up the volume and thus not hearing the Woodscouts attacking outside]

Help! We're under attack! They're inside the camp! Anybody? Help!

Gwen

Yeah. Make his ass take you to Costco.

S2 E8 Gwen Gets a Job

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Max, that is it! I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of try just a little bit to have fun?

Gwen

David- [hands him the folder with Max's Camp Camp enrollment form]

Now let's all put on a happy face, go out there, and show everyone just how great you are at- [opens the folder] um-

[David stares at Max's enrollment form; apart from his name and age, his parents wrote nothing about him]

I told you. They didn't care. [leaves, fighting back tears] Just make something up so we can get this over with.

Max, I- I didn't know.

Cameron Campbell

And now, for our final, and most important performance- [David and Gwen look at Campbell from behind the curtains, then at Max, who is sitting dejectedly in a corner] give it up for Davey, Gladys, aand- [sees nobody there, then Max's form on the floor] Uh- what the what? Oh, don't tell me I lost another kid! [surprised campers and parents stand up] Uh, that may have sounded incriminating, but- [flees offstage]

S2 E12 Parents' Day

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Why are we here? What about Campbell's big show?

It's stupid.

What?

You're right. It's stupid. You shouldn't have to pretend for anyone.

Are you... okay?

I'm sorry, Max. I try to always see the good in things. And I try to get others to see the same, but- pretending things are okay when they're not doesn't help anything. I'm sorry your parents don't care enough, Max. You have every right to be angry. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you can find that here at Camp. Even if it's not today.

Gwen

Life sucks sometimes, but at least there's pizza.

S2 E12 Parents' Day

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Don't start screaming into shoeboxes just yet, Gwen! We can raise enough money and save Camp Campbell! But the campers can't find out. If they knew how bad things were, they'd never trust us again! We'd look completely incompetent!

Gwen

We are completely incompetent!

S3 E1 The Fun-Raiser

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[Nikki is awaiting for her boat and herself to be on fire as a flaming arrow shot by Nurf misses her and goes into the water, much to her impatience]

Nikki

Come on, hit me already!

Nurf

This is harder than it looks!

Gwen

[offscreen] STOP!

[runs up and takes away the bow from Nurf] Kids, I'm concerned about the number of times I've had to ask this, but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?

Nurf

Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like vikings!

Dude!

Gwen

[runs up to Nikki, who is still in the boat] Nikki, are you really dead?

Nikki

[with one eye open and a whispering voice] Yes.

S3 E4 Nikki's Last Day on Earth

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Gwen

Camp Corp. Accounting, Gwen speaking!

Fuck!

Gwen

Wait a minute- Max?

Yeah, sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks you'd be working in the mail room.

Gwen

You little shit! I'm better th- Wait. Campbell, as in-?

Yeah, it's a long story, but the punchline is that we're getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help.

I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen, so if you don't want to get involved-

Gwen

FUCK THIS JOB! [other office staff come out of their cubicles to look] I mean- whaa? [quietly] Fuck this job! They don't need me! There's nothing to do! I get paid to just sit around and wait!

Cameron Campbell

Hey, now, that is a hard job to land.

Gwen, really, are you sure about this?

[Gwen pauses, looking at the #2 Counselor mug on her desk]

Gwen

You're goddamn right I am. What do you need me to do?

S3 E12 Camp Corp

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Gwen

Aaaand the entire mess hall is already destroyed. Mr. Campbell, why didn't you stop them?

Cameron Campbell

Hey, now. My community service doesn't start until 7 in the morning!

Gwen

It is 8:45.

Campbell

Weeelll, who's counting?

Gwen

A federal judge. So get dressed, and start cleaning! Preferably in that order.

Campbell

I can't deal with another 12 hours of hard labor!

Gwen

It's the same work David and I do every day. You don't even have to do a good job! You just have to be a decent human being!

Campbell

That's the hard part!

S4 E1 Keep the Change

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Gwen

I was supposed to be an influential author with a smoking-hot husband and fat stacks of cash. Instead, my ass is stuck in a trash can, I have no idea who I am, and it's too late for me!

Nonsense, Gwen, you're just looking at it all wrong! Come on, I'll show you.

[Max leaves the camp office, but comes back moments later]

MGMax & Gwen

Ass stuck in a trash can.