Rupert Giles quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

You and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putter around the bat cave with crusty old Alfred here.

Giles

Ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.

S4 The Yoko Factor

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[amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]

Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!

Giles

Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]

Are you drunk?

Giles

[finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.

Well, stop it!!

...

You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!

It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?

[perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'

Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...

No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!

Giles

[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!

S4 The Yoko Factor

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And if I did join the army, I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained Border Collie.

Giles

That's it. I'm going to bed.

No, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilibal cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?

I knew it. I knew you hated her!

Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.

Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.

Oh, and superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.

You guys, stop this. What happened to you today?

It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?

[perturbed] Well, what do you mean, wrong?

Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.

No! It was back before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?

Giles

[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell.

Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?

I don't know anymore.

Clearly not wanted.

No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!

Buffy.

Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.

S4 The Yoko Factor

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Giles

I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.

See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?

What was I thinking?

So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!

Giles

As a matter of fact you are.

S4 Primeval

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Where's Anya?

Oddly, Anya decided not to join us, despite all the fun we had at our last meeting.

And I don't think Tara felt welcome.

Why? Because of the things that we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?

Well, I... Spike, specifically, but...

And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?

That's not... exactly what he said.

Giles

Well, um, S-Spike can be very convincing when-when, uh, I'm very stupid.

He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.

Giles

Of course. Well, piffle. Let's-let's move on.

I'm movin'.

Me, too.

Good. Great.

So why do you think Spike made with the head games?

He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his ya-yas somehow.

I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.

Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done... Nah, I can't even act surprised.

I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone, but Spike just happened to be there. And he made this big noise about getting the information off those encrypted disks.

Oh, I decrypted 'em. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.

Giles

What did they say?

Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where.

Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?

Hidden somewhere.

Well, give the demon his due. He thought this one out.

What do you mean?

You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.

Giles

The Trojan horse.

Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.

Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.

And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet... gross.

Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just want to be a big snake?"

I've got to shut him down, Giles. His final phase is about to start.

Giles

We need to warn the Initiative.

They're not gonna listen to me.

Riley?

He's a deserter. He got some bad news, anyway, and kind of took off.

Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has the evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?

He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.

He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?

No. He's really not.

S4 Primeval

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Giles

There's certainly no lack of supplies. Only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam.

According to Riley, his power sourse is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine?

Great. So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.

What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium-extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.

Giles

Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation of this.

Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?

Giles

I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a-an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of the subject.

See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?

What was I thinking?

So, no problem. All we need is Combo-Buffy, her with Slayer strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.

Giles

As a matter of fact, you are.

S4 Primeval

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Are you sure you'll be alright? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.

It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disappear and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually got out of this with an honorable discharge.

Giles

In return for your silence, no doubt.

Oh, yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.

It's like you're blackmailing the government. In a... patriotic way.

I'll call you when it's over.

Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.

Ooh. You pushed the button on the microwave that says popcorn?

Actually, I pushed defrost, but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch.

Well, you guys have fun tonight. It was very nice meeting you.

It was nice meeting you. Finally.

Bye.

Bye.

Did you notice how pointedly I said finally?

No.

S4 Restless

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The First Slayer. Wow.

And not big with the socialization.

Or the floss.

Giles

Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the... the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.

You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.

Giles

I did, I said there could be dire consequences.

Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun.

The spirit of the First Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.

Oh, you want some hot chocolate?

Yeah.

Yeah, please.

Uh, Xander?

Yes, what, Joyce... uh, Buffy's mom.

Be my kitchen buddy again, help me carry?

Yes, sure, Buffy's mom.

Giles

Are you alright?

Yeah. I think I might jump in the shower.

Giles

You seem a bit...

A little. The First Slayer. I never really thought about it. It was intense. I guess you guys got a taste of that, huh?

Yeah, from now on you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams, is that clear?

She's not good for the sleeping.

Uh... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.

S4 Restless

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So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school, a block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.

That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!

Oh no, do they make an ointment for that?

People gotta respect a solid work ethic.

...

So... I won't be taking drama with you.

What? You have to, you promised!

Well, I know, but Giles says that it just -

The hell with Giles!

Giles

I can hear you, Willow.

Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, you can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?

What happened to you people gotta respect a work ethic?

Other people, not me! There's a whole best-friend loophole!

S5 Real Me

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[Giles and Buffy tour the magic shop Giles is about to buy]

Giles, are you sure about this?

Giles

Why wouldn't I be?

Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?

Giles

I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.

Boy, you've really thought this through... How bored were you last year?

Giles

I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

[Buffy breaks out laughing as she follows Giles into a back room]

S5 Real Me

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Giles

There is nothing but you. You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are. Find it. Breathe into it. Focus inward. Let the world fall away. Fall away. Fall away.

[gasps]

Dawn

Can we go now?

S5 Real Me

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AAnya

Well maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

CXCool Xander

She's joking.

LXLoser Xander

No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is wrong and... and it would be very confusing.

Giles

We just need to arrange the candles; also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.