Faith Lehane quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Faith

Hi, Joyce. Mind if I come in?

Faith

The whole summer it was, like, the worst heatwave. So, it's about 118 degrees and I'm sleepin' without a stitch on, and all of a sudden I hear this screamin' from outside. So I go tearin' out stark nude and this church bus is broke down and there's three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston. So I waste the vamps and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow when all of a sudden the cops pull up and they arrested us both.

Xander

Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.

Faith

Always... I could eat a horse. Ain't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?

Buffy

Well... sometimes I-I crave a non-fat yogurt after.

Faith

[about Scott] But you like him. When you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?

Buffy

Yeah, I guess... how low?

Faith

You tell me!

Faith

All men are beasts, Buffy.

Buffy

Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least forty.

Faith

It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from... Manimal down to Mr. I-Love-The-English-Patient has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.

Faith

Nice place. Do you ever catch kids doing the diddy out here?

Buffy

No, there's a smooch spot up by the words. That's usually where kids go.

Faith

Yeah? Bet you and Scott have been up there kicking the gearshift.

Buffy

Hardly. Only been on a few dates.

Faith

[about Scott] But you like him, and when you think about him you get that good, down-low tickle, right?

Buffy

Yeah, I guess, but... how low?

Faith

You tell me.

Buffy

How about not? But he is... nice, and he's funny.

Faith

And quite a muffin.

Buffy

Blueberry. That crunchy, munchy staff on top. But my most favorite thing so far is that he doesn't seem to be any kind of hell beast.

Faith

All men are beasts, Buffy.

Buffy

Okay, I was hoping to not get that cynical 'til I was at least 40.

Faith

It's not cynical. I mean, it's realistic. Every guy from Manimal down to Mr. "I-Love-The-English-Patient" has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase.

Faith

Guy like that, with that kinda glove, could kill a whole mess of people.

Xander

Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot]

Faith

Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her.

Xander

She says he's clean.

Faith

Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.

Xander

[beat] Can I come?

Faith

Come in.

Buffy

Hey. The place looks nice.

Faith

Yeah, it's real Spartan.

Buffy

How are you?

Faith

Five by five.

Buffy

I'll interpret that as good. Look, Gwendolyn Post, or whoever she may be, had us all fooled, even Giles.

Faith

Yeah, well, you can trust people. I should've learned that by now.

Buffy

I realize this is gonna sound funny coming from someone that just spent a lot of time kicking your face... but you can trust me.

Faith

Is that right?

Buffy

I know I kept secrets, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on your side.

Faith

I'm on my side, and that's enough.

Buffy

Not always.

Faith

Is that it?

Buffy

Yeah, I guess.

Faith

All right. Well, then, I'll see you. Uh, Buffy?

Buffy

Yeah?

Faith

Nothing.

Buffy

Xander, one of these days, you're gonna get yourself hurt.

Faith

Or killed.

Buffy

Or both. And you know, with the pain and then the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be fray-adjacent.

Xander

Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?

Faith

Yeah. That was real manly, how you shrieked and all.

Xander

I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.

Faith

She got me really wound up. A fight like that and, no kill. I'm about ready to pop!

Xander

Really? Pop?!

Faith

You up for it?

Xander

Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before.

Faith

Just relax. And take your pants off.

Xander

Those two ... concepts are ... antithetical.

Faith

Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.

Xander

Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

Wesley

Ah, this is perhaps Faith.

Faith

New Watcher?

New Watcher.

Faith

Screw that. [she turns and leaves]

Buffy

Now why didn't I just say that?

Buffy

Faith, you can shut off all the emotions that you want. But eventually, they're gonna find a body.

Faith

Okay, this is the last time we're gonna have this conversation, and we're not even having it now, you understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it. The body doesn't exist.

Buffy

Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away.

Faith

It does for me.

Buffy

Faith, you don't get it - you killed a man.

Faith

No, you don't get it - I don't care!

Wesley

Of course, training procedures have been updated quite a bit since your day. Much greater empasis on field work.

Giles

Really?

Wesley

Oh, yes. Not all books and theory nowadays. I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course.

Giles

No danger of finding those here.

Wesley

Vampires?

Giles

Controlled circumstances. Hello, Buffy.

Wesley

Well... hello.

Buffy

New Watcher?

Giles

New Watcher.

Wesley

Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. It's very nice to meet you.

Buffy

Is he evil?

Wesley

Evil?

Buffy

The last one was evil.

Wesley

Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No, Mr. Giles has checked my credentials, rather thoroughly, and phoned the Council, but I'm glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious Slayer.

Buffy

Is he evil?

Giles

Not in the strictest sense.

Wesley

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. As I'm sure none of us is anxious to waste any time of pleasantries, why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.

Buffy

Vampires.

Wesley

Yes?

Buffy

Killed 'em.

Wesley

Anything else you could tell me?

Buffy

Uh... one of them had swords. I-I don't think he was with the other two.

Wesley

Swords? Swords... One long, one short?

Buffy

Mmm. Both pointy. With, like, jewels and things.

Giles

Sounds familiar.

Wesley

It should.

Giles

El Eliminati. 15th--

Wesley

15th-century duelist cult, deadly in that day. Their numbers dwindled in later centuries due to an increase in anti-vampire activity, and a lot of pointless dueling. They eventually became the acolytes of a demon called Balthazar, who brought them to the New World, specifically here.

Giles

You seem to know a lot about them.

Wesley

I didn't get this job because of my looks.

Buffy

I really, really believe that.

Wesley

I've researched this town's history extensively.

Giles

So why have we not seen them before this?

Wesley

They were driven out a hundred years ago. Happily, Balthazar was killed. I don't know by whom.

Buffy

And they're back 'cause...

Wesley

Balthazar had an amulet purported to give him strength. When he was killed, it was taken by a wealthy landowner named... I don't want to bore you with the details.

Buffy

Little bit late.

Wesley

Named Gleaves. It was buried with him, and I believe the few remaining Eliminati are probably looking for it. For sentimental value.

Giles

And you don't think that this amulet poses any threat?

Wesley

Oh, no, not at all. Nonetheless, we may as well keep it from them. Buffy, you will go to the Gleaves family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet.

Buffy

I will?

Wesley

Are you not used to being given orders?

Buffy

Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says please. And afterwards I get a cookie.

Wesley

I don't feel we're getting off on quite the right foot. Ah. This is, perhaps, Faith.

Faith

New Watcher?

New Watcher.

Faith

Screw that. [she turns and leaves]

Buffy

Now, why didn't I just say that?

Giles

Uh, Buffy, would you...

Buffy

I'll see if I can get her back. Don't say anything incredibly interesting while I'm gone.

Wesley

They'll get used to me.

Wesley

My. She's cheeky, isn't she?

Faith

Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.

Faith

I missed the mark last night and I'm sorry about the guy, I really am! But it happens! Anyways, how many people do you think we've saved by now? Thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.

Buffy

We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.

Faith

Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.

Buffy

Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?

Faith

What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.

Buffy

To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!

Faith

We are better!