Andrew Wells quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Andrew

Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.

Andrew

You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery -- don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call... Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.

Andrew

It's a full house. I think it's a good time to do some introductions, don't you, gentle viewers?

Andrew

[bright fantasy shot, clear, emotional voice] You've already met Buffy. She's beautiful, with a lion's heart and the face of an angel. She's never afraid because she knows her side will always win. [Spike enters shot, somehow shirtless] Buffy and Spike have some kind of history. You can feel the heat between them although, technically as a vampire, he's room-temperature. [Anya enters shot, eating grapes] Anya. A feisty waif with a fiery temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides even from herself. [pan to unnamed Potential Slayer eating cereal] This lovely girl... [uncertain - back to normal voice] I don't remember her name.

Andrew

Willow, a call for you from L.A. Somebody named Fred. The guy sounds kind of effeminate.

Andrew

Hi, everybody. I missed you guys a lot. Sorry we took so long getting back from our mission... But we had to wait out the sun and, well, I think our mission went very well. We rode on Spike's hog, which was very cool, and played some amusing games and, oh, we got some information. But do you know what? I really need to urinate.

Which one of you is the leader?

I am.

I will kill the leader.

[pointing at one another] He is.

I will kill you all.

Jonathan

Wait! Uh, no fair. It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you, and we're gonna.

[dropping to his knees] Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.

Andrew

[also kneeling] Uh, yeah. Long live our noble lord and master.

Jonathan

You guys suck.

[grabs Jonathan by the throat] You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.

Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.

What the hell is that?

Andrew

Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?

Jonathan

Uh, thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts.

Andrew

For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised design from Return of the Jedi.

Jonathan

That's a flawed design!

Andrew

[awed] The Slayer touched you.

Jonathan

Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.

I just, I wanted us to be together!

There is no us, Warren! Get that through your big meaty head! I am not your girlfriend anymore!

Jonathan

She's your ex?

Andrew

Dude, that is messed up.

Oh, you think? You bunch of little boys, playing at being men. Well, this is not some fantasy, it's not a game, you freaks! It's rape!

Jonathan

We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about--

Andrew

Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.

Xander

See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.

Andrew

Think they'll let my aunt bring me my Discman?

Jonathan

That's what you worried about? In-flight entertainment? We're in jail!

Andrew

We're in custody. We haven't been charged yet.

Jonathan

Thank you, Dragnet. It doesn't matter what they call it, they got us, okay? We're going down. [lowers his voice] That guy's been looking at me. I think he wants to make me his butt monkey.

Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive, Tara is dead. Willow found out, and, being the most powerful wicca in the western hemisphere she decided to get the payback, with interest.

Andrew

What about Warren?

She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and the two of you are next.

Andrew

Oh my god, Warren!

Oh my god, me!

Andrew

Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers! And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her!

Xander

[after a brief silence] You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

The annoying virgin has a point.

Jonathan

Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.

Andrew

Ah, I didn't like it there. Everyone spoke Mexicoan.

Jonathan

You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.

Andrew

That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, okay? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.

Jonathan

Me neither. Desde abajo te devora.

Andrew

"It eats you, starting with your bottom."

Jonathan

Gonna make it right.

Andrew

We're outlaws with hearts of gold.

Xander

There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.

Andrew

Sounds bad.

Xander

Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.

Andrew

Oh, God.

Xander

But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.

Andrew

Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297–299.

Xander

"Catacombs". Yeah, with the skeletons.

That was cool.

Xander

[embarrassed] Move it! This way!